How do you face the terror of the unknown?
How do you plan for the life-altering experience you know is coming?
How do you deal with the knowledge that things will never be the same?
How do you keep your terror from overwhelming, overpowering you?
I know the verses about not worrying, I know we are commanded not to fear. I know these things in my head, but it's another matter entirely for that knowledge to penetrate the thick, sticky smog of fear and uncertainty.
I know my God does not, will not leave me. I know my family is not walking through this trial alone.
None the less, it feels very, very lonely.
My Bible can't wrap strong arms around me and hold me tight in the quiet hours of sleepless nights. It sits on my lap, and doesn't reply when I beg for answers to my questions. I know my God is near, but He feels very far away.
So I'll keep wandering, stumbling through the smog, praying for peace, praying for courage.
Wednesday, December 18, 2013
Thursday, December 5, 2013
The 25th Year
Well. It's happened. Or it's about to, I guess.
Why does no one write songs about being 25? Maybe because it's hard to sum up everything that's going on in life at this stage. You've moved on from the high school crushes and the college adventures, but you don't necessarily have enough life under your belt to look back and reminisce about the years long ago.
It's just kind of an awkward stage. I mean, I feel awkward, but maybe that's just me. And I think the only person who can get away with singing a song about being awkward is Taylor Swift...and I definitely don't have her song-writing skills, so I won't even attempt it.
I have a very vivid memory of a conversation I had with a gal a year or so ago. She's a few years younger than me, and we were talking about relationships and she said, "I don't know what I'll do if I'm not married when I turn 25." I was 23 at the time, and had nothing to say in response, because at that point, unless a man walked into my bedroom at that exact moment and professed his undying love for me, it was looking pretty certain that I would not be married by the time I turned 25 years old. But secretly, I felt the same way she did.
What was going to happen to me if I turned 25 and still wasn't married? Surely the world would stop turning, the stars would fall out of the sky, and life as we knew it would end? It sure felt that way. 98% of my closest friends were already married at this point, and I very much felt like I missed the train and was now desperately trying to catch up. Things weren't going according to plan. I was supposed to be married by 21 (22 at the latest), I wanted to wait a couple of years before having kids, and then have three or four kids all before I turned 30 (because everyone knows it's impossible to get pregnant and have babies after you turn 30.) *rolls eyes* As silly and pathetic as it sounds, that was very much my internal dialog...or I guess it was more of a monolog. This was my life. Praying and waiting for God to bring my man in through the door.
I don't want this to turn into a "Single and Proud" blog post. There are plenty of those out there already, and better written than mine. My point is, I'm about to turn 25, and I don't even have a boyfriend, let alone husband. I mean, there isn't even anyone on the radar. And last I checked, the earth was still spinning along, and the stars are floating quite happily in space. What??? You mean my life can go on? You mean my happiness isn't dependent on a relationship?
It has taken me practically my whole life to get to the point where I could be honest with myself about this. I've known my whole life I want to be married. I want to find someone to spend the rest of my life with, bringing each other closer to God. I've never allowed myself to even consider the possibility that it may not be in God's plan for me to be married. My heart would close off if that thought ever came close to the surface. I couldn't admit it. It was terrifying. What was my purpose in life going to be if I didn't get married? This is what my heart desires! Why wouldn't God give it to me?
Contrary to what I've been told, and led to believe, there isn't a verse in the Bible that says "Kaylee Marie Troyer is going to get married because I have someone special set aside for her." There is no promise of the kind in God's Word. Just in the last year have I finally been able to think about the possibility that I won't ever get married. It still scares me, BUT, it has finally sunk into my head and heart that I may serve God's kingdom in a different way from 98% of the people around me.
And it's okay.
Because if I'm truly honest with myself, it's my choice that I am not married right now. Looking back over the past few years, there is at least once, but maybe twice, when I made a conscious choice that led me away from marriage. If I had made a different decision, I probably would be married, and wouldn't be typing up this post. That realization has helped me a lot. I don't want to argue theology, but I believe that God has given us free will within his great plan. He can use our decisions and actions to accomplish his purpose, because he is God. It finally clicked for me, that it was my choices, and not God withholding something from me that was keeping me single. This was so freeing. I realized that I had been harboring resentment against God for making me wait for something that I desired. It was incredibly humbling to recognize that what I had been clinging to was so wrong. How dare I feel that way towards a God who desires the best for me, who has blessed me so far beyond what I deserve?
I am coming to a greater understanding of who I am in God, and what he desires for me. It doesn't change the desires of my heart, but he has opened my eyes to see the ways I can be used for his purposes that others can't. Me, Kaylee, 25, single, working, introverted, book and movie loving nerd who sings all the time, I have a purpose that is independent of my marital status or age. I am no less of an adult, no less of a Christian, no less of a friend because of any of this.
The 25 I am about to be looks much different from what I thought and wanted. But it's okay. I don't want to be held back by wishes and should-have-beens. I want to make intentional choices. This is my life, and I am blessed beyond measure. God has done a lot of shaping and molding in these past 25 years. Who knows what the next 25 will look like?
Why does no one write songs about being 25? Maybe because it's hard to sum up everything that's going on in life at this stage. You've moved on from the high school crushes and the college adventures, but you don't necessarily have enough life under your belt to look back and reminisce about the years long ago.
It's just kind of an awkward stage. I mean, I feel awkward, but maybe that's just me. And I think the only person who can get away with singing a song about being awkward is Taylor Swift...and I definitely don't have her song-writing skills, so I won't even attempt it.
I have a very vivid memory of a conversation I had with a gal a year or so ago. She's a few years younger than me, and we were talking about relationships and she said, "I don't know what I'll do if I'm not married when I turn 25." I was 23 at the time, and had nothing to say in response, because at that point, unless a man walked into my bedroom at that exact moment and professed his undying love for me, it was looking pretty certain that I would not be married by the time I turned 25 years old. But secretly, I felt the same way she did.
What was going to happen to me if I turned 25 and still wasn't married? Surely the world would stop turning, the stars would fall out of the sky, and life as we knew it would end? It sure felt that way. 98% of my closest friends were already married at this point, and I very much felt like I missed the train and was now desperately trying to catch up. Things weren't going according to plan. I was supposed to be married by 21 (22 at the latest), I wanted to wait a couple of years before having kids, and then have three or four kids all before I turned 30 (because everyone knows it's impossible to get pregnant and have babies after you turn 30.) *rolls eyes* As silly and pathetic as it sounds, that was very much my internal dialog...or I guess it was more of a monolog. This was my life. Praying and waiting for God to bring my man in through the door.
I don't want this to turn into a "Single and Proud" blog post. There are plenty of those out there already, and better written than mine. My point is, I'm about to turn 25, and I don't even have a boyfriend, let alone husband. I mean, there isn't even anyone on the radar. And last I checked, the earth was still spinning along, and the stars are floating quite happily in space. What??? You mean my life can go on? You mean my happiness isn't dependent on a relationship?
It has taken me practically my whole life to get to the point where I could be honest with myself about this. I've known my whole life I want to be married. I want to find someone to spend the rest of my life with, bringing each other closer to God. I've never allowed myself to even consider the possibility that it may not be in God's plan for me to be married. My heart would close off if that thought ever came close to the surface. I couldn't admit it. It was terrifying. What was my purpose in life going to be if I didn't get married? This is what my heart desires! Why wouldn't God give it to me?
Contrary to what I've been told, and led to believe, there isn't a verse in the Bible that says "Kaylee Marie Troyer is going to get married because I have someone special set aside for her." There is no promise of the kind in God's Word. Just in the last year have I finally been able to think about the possibility that I won't ever get married. It still scares me, BUT, it has finally sunk into my head and heart that I may serve God's kingdom in a different way from 98% of the people around me.
And it's okay.
Because if I'm truly honest with myself, it's my choice that I am not married right now. Looking back over the past few years, there is at least once, but maybe twice, when I made a conscious choice that led me away from marriage. If I had made a different decision, I probably would be married, and wouldn't be typing up this post. That realization has helped me a lot. I don't want to argue theology, but I believe that God has given us free will within his great plan. He can use our decisions and actions to accomplish his purpose, because he is God. It finally clicked for me, that it was my choices, and not God withholding something from me that was keeping me single. This was so freeing. I realized that I had been harboring resentment against God for making me wait for something that I desired. It was incredibly humbling to recognize that what I had been clinging to was so wrong. How dare I feel that way towards a God who desires the best for me, who has blessed me so far beyond what I deserve?
I am coming to a greater understanding of who I am in God, and what he desires for me. It doesn't change the desires of my heart, but he has opened my eyes to see the ways I can be used for his purposes that others can't. Me, Kaylee, 25, single, working, introverted, book and movie loving nerd who sings all the time, I have a purpose that is independent of my marital status or age. I am no less of an adult, no less of a Christian, no less of a friend because of any of this.
The 25 I am about to be looks much different from what I thought and wanted. But it's okay. I don't want to be held back by wishes and should-have-beens. I want to make intentional choices. This is my life, and I am blessed beyond measure. God has done a lot of shaping and molding in these past 25 years. Who knows what the next 25 will look like?
Thursday, October 3, 2013
A Challenge
I'm going to step onto a soap box - just for a moment. And before you stop reading, no this IS NOT about politics. Although I could go on about that too if I thought adding my opinions to the sticky politics gumbo would help anything. But, that's not what I'm here for, at least this time around :-)
I want to issue a challenge of sorts.
It is unavoidable that a person's perspective on the world will change when something as disruptive and painful as cancer enters into it. An unfortunate side effect of living in today's world, is that pretty much everyone knows someone affected by/diagnosed with cancer. And while cancer is by no means something that should be dealt with lightly, in many ways, it has become that way in our society. Because many of the cancers that are most common are curable, people have come to take that for granted. In addition, these cancers that are most common look, generally, the same - meaning, there's a tumor somewhere in your body, and they will perform some combination of surgery, plus chemotherapy and radiation to remove it and cure you.
Unfortunately, all cancers are not created equal - and this point has been driven home, literally, by the fact that my mom is fighting a cancer that does not fit society's mold, in multiple ways. As a family, we knew this when she got the diagnosis, but it became much more apparent to me as we began the process of trying to explain it to those around us. People listen, but when they hear the word cancer, they automatically assume they know what's involved and what it looks like. People jump to the conclusion that while this is cancer and it's no laughing matter, it'll just take a few rounds of chemo to clear it up and we'll be back to normal. I was no different before my mom's diagnosis, I did the same thing, jumped to the same conclusions.
I also began to take more notice of the events happening around me, the Races for Cures, the fundraisers and auctions...and please please PLEASE understand me, I am not saying that these are unworthy causes, because they are worthy...BUT...it seems to me that as a society we've gotten stuck in a rut.
For example: I see a sign in someone's yard for a Susan G. Comen Race for the Cure and (politics aside) I realize, "Well that's a redundant name, there IS a cure for breast cancer." Again, please understand, I am NOT trying to trivialize or minimize people diagnosed with breast cancer, it's just a good example. Thousands and thousands of women yearly are diagnosed with breast cancer, and it's a terrible, heartbreaking thing. BUT, there is a cure for breast cancer. I am so thankful that there are men and women who have been blessed with the knowledge and skill to develop a cure. And yet how much money is still being poured into these foundations and into research for it, when there are SO many other diseases, not just cancers, that still need cures? AIDs, Alzheimer's, Leukemia...the list goes on. There are foundations, scientists, and doctors who are working to develop cures for these diseases, yet have been unsuccessful for a myriad of reasons. Recognition is one of those main reasons. Society has latched onto a couple diseases and taken up the standard for them, raising awareness and money. But once a cure has been found, shouldn't they move on and take up the flag for the next disease? How much progress could be made in curing the next big disease if more people were reminded or made aware of the fact that there is no cure.
So, this is my challenge to you (at least, the five of you who read my little blog): take some time, and initiative, and do a little research on a disease that maybe you think you know about, but actually may not. A disease that needs a cure. Awareness is KEY in fighting these diseases, and the more people know, the closer we are to a cure. And maybe the next time you give money, or donate to a cause, you'll think about one of those diseases that's fighting on the fringe of society, and you'll realize how much your money or time or whatever it is, could mean.
If you're curious, I can give you a place to start, with the Multiple Myeloma Research Foundation.
I truly do not mean to offend with this post. I'm not trying to start a fight, unless it's a fight to raise more awareness. *steps off of soapbox*
I want to issue a challenge of sorts.
It is unavoidable that a person's perspective on the world will change when something as disruptive and painful as cancer enters into it. An unfortunate side effect of living in today's world, is that pretty much everyone knows someone affected by/diagnosed with cancer. And while cancer is by no means something that should be dealt with lightly, in many ways, it has become that way in our society. Because many of the cancers that are most common are curable, people have come to take that for granted. In addition, these cancers that are most common look, generally, the same - meaning, there's a tumor somewhere in your body, and they will perform some combination of surgery, plus chemotherapy and radiation to remove it and cure you.
Unfortunately, all cancers are not created equal - and this point has been driven home, literally, by the fact that my mom is fighting a cancer that does not fit society's mold, in multiple ways. As a family, we knew this when she got the diagnosis, but it became much more apparent to me as we began the process of trying to explain it to those around us. People listen, but when they hear the word cancer, they automatically assume they know what's involved and what it looks like. People jump to the conclusion that while this is cancer and it's no laughing matter, it'll just take a few rounds of chemo to clear it up and we'll be back to normal. I was no different before my mom's diagnosis, I did the same thing, jumped to the same conclusions.
I also began to take more notice of the events happening around me, the Races for Cures, the fundraisers and auctions...and please please PLEASE understand me, I am not saying that these are unworthy causes, because they are worthy...BUT...it seems to me that as a society we've gotten stuck in a rut.
For example: I see a sign in someone's yard for a Susan G. Comen Race for the Cure and (politics aside) I realize, "Well that's a redundant name, there IS a cure for breast cancer." Again, please understand, I am NOT trying to trivialize or minimize people diagnosed with breast cancer, it's just a good example. Thousands and thousands of women yearly are diagnosed with breast cancer, and it's a terrible, heartbreaking thing. BUT, there is a cure for breast cancer. I am so thankful that there are men and women who have been blessed with the knowledge and skill to develop a cure. And yet how much money is still being poured into these foundations and into research for it, when there are SO many other diseases, not just cancers, that still need cures? AIDs, Alzheimer's, Leukemia...the list goes on. There are foundations, scientists, and doctors who are working to develop cures for these diseases, yet have been unsuccessful for a myriad of reasons. Recognition is one of those main reasons. Society has latched onto a couple diseases and taken up the standard for them, raising awareness and money. But once a cure has been found, shouldn't they move on and take up the flag for the next disease? How much progress could be made in curing the next big disease if more people were reminded or made aware of the fact that there is no cure.
So, this is my challenge to you (at least, the five of you who read my little blog): take some time, and initiative, and do a little research on a disease that maybe you think you know about, but actually may not. A disease that needs a cure. Awareness is KEY in fighting these diseases, and the more people know, the closer we are to a cure. And maybe the next time you give money, or donate to a cause, you'll think about one of those diseases that's fighting on the fringe of society, and you'll realize how much your money or time or whatever it is, could mean.
If you're curious, I can give you a place to start, with the Multiple Myeloma Research Foundation.
I truly do not mean to offend with this post. I'm not trying to start a fight, unless it's a fight to raise more awareness. *steps off of soapbox*
Tuesday, October 1, 2013
The One Where I Quote Movies - Again
I can't sit cross-legged on the floor for longer than half an hour before my knees start hurting.
I can't sleep in later than 8:30, even on a Saturday, no matter how late I was up the night before.
I get excited about picking out paint colors and searching antique stores for that perfect vintage/distressed coffee table or fruit crate.
I have wrinkles on my forehead.
Over the last year or so, these changes have been creeping up on me, making it abundantly clear that time stops for no one - to roughly quote Steel Magnolias "Honey, time marches on, and eventually you realize it's marching across your face." *on a side note: if you haven't seen Steel Magnolias, with Dolly Parton and Shirley Maclaine, WATCH IT! Watch it now, with a box of kleenex and your best friend. You're welcome.*
Anyway, no matter how hard we try, there's nothing we can do to halt the energizer bunny that is time. It keeps going. And going. Bringing with it your birthday, sooner every year. I turn 25 in a few months. Honestly, I'm not dreading it. I'm just baffled at how it came so soon. It seemed so far away at 21. I will soon be on the downhill towards 30, and it seems much closer on the other side of 25.
I don't feel 25. Heck, I don't feel 24! I look at my life and wonder what I've accomplished. A friend asked me just the other night what I thought my greatest accomplishment so far was. I know what my purpose in life is, and I know God is working his purposes through me, but I look around and see what others around me have accomplished with their lives and I wonder if there's more I could be doing. But that's the problem, I'm comparing. Comparison...the thief of joy and contentment.
To quote You've Got Mail *another must-see* "I lead a small life." I have to remind myself that small doesn't automatically mean "without purpose" or "unaccomplished." I have a small sphere of influence, and I do small things within that sphere, and it suits me. I am content, 97% of the time. But then the Enemy sneaks in and turns my head, pointing out my friends who are married with babies, friends getting their Master's degrees, or friends traveling the world, and I start to compare again.
It takes a conscious, daily (sometimes hourly) effort on my part to remember that my life path is different from everyone else's around me, and it's OKAY! Crazy, I know. But I have chosen a different path from my friends. Chosen. (This is a topic for another post!) My choices have affected my life story, and will continue to do so. God will continue to work his purposes through me and my choices. Because no matter the different life paths, everyone in the body of Christ has the same end goal and destination. Everyone's journey is going to look different though. I want to live a good story. I want my story to point to God in every way. I hope it does, I hope I continue to grow in that. But I need to remember that it will point in ways that are different from my friends with snuggly babies and official-sounding Master's degrees.
And at the end of the day, I need to remember that age is truly a number, and though, "I am twenty-four, going on twenty-five" doesn't flow quite as nice as "sixteen going on seventeen," I'm going to find a gazebo to sing and dance in, in the rain, without the cute telegram boy (but definitely with a flowy dress). I have lots of practice singing both parts of a duet, and I don't want to be stopped by the fact that it looks different from everyone's expectations. I'll write my own song.
I can't sleep in later than 8:30, even on a Saturday, no matter how late I was up the night before.
I get excited about picking out paint colors and searching antique stores for that perfect vintage/distressed coffee table or fruit crate.
I have wrinkles on my forehead.
Over the last year or so, these changes have been creeping up on me, making it abundantly clear that time stops for no one - to roughly quote Steel Magnolias "Honey, time marches on, and eventually you realize it's marching across your face." *on a side note: if you haven't seen Steel Magnolias, with Dolly Parton and Shirley Maclaine, WATCH IT! Watch it now, with a box of kleenex and your best friend. You're welcome.*
Anyway, no matter how hard we try, there's nothing we can do to halt the energizer bunny that is time. It keeps going. And going. Bringing with it your birthday, sooner every year. I turn 25 in a few months. Honestly, I'm not dreading it. I'm just baffled at how it came so soon. It seemed so far away at 21. I will soon be on the downhill towards 30, and it seems much closer on the other side of 25.
I don't feel 25. Heck, I don't feel 24! I look at my life and wonder what I've accomplished. A friend asked me just the other night what I thought my greatest accomplishment so far was. I know what my purpose in life is, and I know God is working his purposes through me, but I look around and see what others around me have accomplished with their lives and I wonder if there's more I could be doing. But that's the problem, I'm comparing. Comparison...the thief of joy and contentment.
To quote You've Got Mail *another must-see* "I lead a small life." I have to remind myself that small doesn't automatically mean "without purpose" or "unaccomplished." I have a small sphere of influence, and I do small things within that sphere, and it suits me. I am content, 97% of the time. But then the Enemy sneaks in and turns my head, pointing out my friends who are married with babies, friends getting their Master's degrees, or friends traveling the world, and I start to compare again.
It takes a conscious, daily (sometimes hourly) effort on my part to remember that my life path is different from everyone else's around me, and it's OKAY! Crazy, I know. But I have chosen a different path from my friends. Chosen. (This is a topic for another post!) My choices have affected my life story, and will continue to do so. God will continue to work his purposes through me and my choices. Because no matter the different life paths, everyone in the body of Christ has the same end goal and destination. Everyone's journey is going to look different though. I want to live a good story. I want my story to point to God in every way. I hope it does, I hope I continue to grow in that. But I need to remember that it will point in ways that are different from my friends with snuggly babies and official-sounding Master's degrees.
And at the end of the day, I need to remember that age is truly a number, and though, "I am twenty-four, going on twenty-five" doesn't flow quite as nice as "sixteen going on seventeen," I'm going to find a gazebo to sing and dance in, in the rain, without the cute telegram boy (but definitely with a flowy dress). I have lots of practice singing both parts of a duet, and I don't want to be stopped by the fact that it looks different from everyone's expectations. I'll write my own song.
Monday, August 26, 2013
Sinking In
Today I was supposed to go to a doctor's appointment with my mom. I ended up not being able to go, but...
Today it sank it a little more that my mom's life has changed. My entire family's lives have changed.
This is a concept that has had a hard time sinking in for me. It's like dropping a hunk of chocolate in a jar of peanut butter and expecting it to sink to the bottom. It doesn't sink, it just sits there, stuck on the surface. The concept of my mom having cancer has been stuck for a couple months. It just sits on my brain, not really doing anything useful, just hanging around, stealing my sleep and peace of mind.
I've been trying to figure out why this life change won't sink in my for me. Granted, it's a big life change. It will take time. But I see everyone around me having emotional responses and I haven't yet.
I've struggled with numbness. It's a defense mechanism, in order to protect myself from the pain, I shut down. But the problem is, you can't choose which parts to selectively shut down. If you shut down one feeling, you shut them all down. By choosing not to feel pain I'm choosing not to feel love, or joy. I don't want to respond in that way.
And then, God spoke to me, through a very dear friend.
She suggested that maybe I wasn't experiencing numbness, but it was actually God protecting my heart. What if God has been shielding my heart from the pain and heartbreak, allowing it to enter a bit at a time, in manageable pieces. Instead of dropping the entire chocolate bar, he's breaking it into pieces, and making the pieces a bit melty, so that they can be stirred into my peanut butter a little easier.
Today, another piece of melty chocolate was added to my peanut butter jar. Granted, it's not as tasty as that, but my God is continuing to watch over me, shelter me, and lead me by the hand through this transition into a new life. I hope the end result is as satisfying as chocolate and peanut butter.
Today it sank it a little more that my mom's life has changed. My entire family's lives have changed.
This is a concept that has had a hard time sinking in for me. It's like dropping a hunk of chocolate in a jar of peanut butter and expecting it to sink to the bottom. It doesn't sink, it just sits there, stuck on the surface. The concept of my mom having cancer has been stuck for a couple months. It just sits on my brain, not really doing anything useful, just hanging around, stealing my sleep and peace of mind.
I've been trying to figure out why this life change won't sink in my for me. Granted, it's a big life change. It will take time. But I see everyone around me having emotional responses and I haven't yet.
I've struggled with numbness. It's a defense mechanism, in order to protect myself from the pain, I shut down. But the problem is, you can't choose which parts to selectively shut down. If you shut down one feeling, you shut them all down. By choosing not to feel pain I'm choosing not to feel love, or joy. I don't want to respond in that way.
And then, God spoke to me, through a very dear friend.
She suggested that maybe I wasn't experiencing numbness, but it was actually God protecting my heart. What if God has been shielding my heart from the pain and heartbreak, allowing it to enter a bit at a time, in manageable pieces. Instead of dropping the entire chocolate bar, he's breaking it into pieces, and making the pieces a bit melty, so that they can be stirred into my peanut butter a little easier.
Today, another piece of melty chocolate was added to my peanut butter jar. Granted, it's not as tasty as that, but my God is continuing to watch over me, shelter me, and lead me by the hand through this transition into a new life. I hope the end result is as satisfying as chocolate and peanut butter.
Friday, August 9, 2013
This Is Why We're Friends
Today I am thankful for my friends...
...for the friends who share my slightly ridiculous obsess-I mean, passion, for things that others could care less about...
...for the friends who don't share my slightly ridiculous fanaticism, but don't judge me for it....
...for the friends who I can communicate with in just a look...
...for the friends who have and will dress up with me for various occasions, like an ugly Christmas sweater party or a Harry Potter movie premiere...
...for the friends who haven't let me live down my embarrassing moments...
...for the friends who can carry a conversation made entirely of movie quotes....
...for the friends who will unashamedly break into song in the middle of Walmart...
...for the friends who share a glass (or two) of wine...
...for the friends who can pick up on my sarcasm even in a text message...
...for the friends who have laughed and cried (that one time I cried) with me...
...for the friends who have been a shoulder, a hug, a tickle, a dance and duet partner...
...for the friends who have seen all sides of me, pretty, ugly, and everywhere in between...
You are those who speak the language of my heart. You are blessings rained down on me from my Heavenly Father. You cannot know how much you mean to me, partly because I stink at telling people how I feel, and partly because even if I wanted to express it I don't know that I could find the appropriate words. We've been through thick and thin, and sweat and tears, long time and short, and we're stretched across great distances.
To my Anne-of-Green-Gables-bossom-friends, my kindred spirits, I love you, more than you know.
Thursday, June 20, 2013
Processing
My prayer for this year has been for peace. After a tumultuous 2012, I very much desired a quiet, peaceful 2013. I was tired of being grown and stretched. I was tired of the upheaval.
Did God do amazing things through it all? Absolutely.
Did I feel a strong desire for that chaos to continue? Not so much.
And for the most part, this year HAS been one of peace. I've had time to settle into a mostly permanent living situation, I've hit my stride in my new job, I have a small circle of friends, and a church body that feels like family. It has been lovely.
But now that time of peace has come to a screeching halt. Nothing can bring things to a standstill like certain words from a doctor's mouth. And when it's someone you love, someone who has already had struggles aplenty in this life, the shock, surprise, heartbreak that comes with that news is truly life stopping. But we can't stop. That's the problem. When every inch of me simply wants to crawl under the covers with a bag of bbq potato chips and a Harry Potter book to hide from the situation, hide from the world, I am forced to continue to go through the motions. I have to go to work. I have to eat something besides potato chips. I can't cry in the middle of a brainstorming meeting at work. I can't live in pajama pants in a fort made of blankets and couch cushions. This defense mechanism wants to take me back to my childhood, back to those things that are safe and comfortable, when life consisted of Disney movies and playing dress-up and swinging in the backyard all afternoon. There were no worries, there was no heartache like I experience now. And if there was, I was blissfully unaware of it.
But as much as I want to barricade myself in my apartment with my books and my embroidery, I am reminded that "Losing your mind is not a luxury for the middle class." (from P.S. I Love You)
Nor is it an appropriate response for one who is a child of God.
My God is in control.
This is part of his plan.
This is the mantra I have to keep repeating.
Do I know why He has allowed this trial? No.
Do I have to know why? No. I would like to, but I don't have to.
I feel numb. But there's an ache behind the numbness. I feel sick. I find myself having to force a smile.
I don't know how to feel.
A problem with being an introvert is that we process internally, so it's all just spinning around in my head. I feel like I should be having an emotional response, but I haven't. Not yet at least. I'm sure it will come, and when it does it will be a torrent of tears and angry words. But until then, I'm still processing. And writing is part of that process for me. The quote at the top of my blog could not be more true. Even in the twenty minutes that I've sat down at this post, I've understood a little better what I'm thinking and how I'm feeling. I'm still processing. And I'm praying. And I'm thanking my God that He does not abandon me. Even when I feel angry towards Him. Even when I don't want to talk to Him, or read His word, He is there. And His arms will be open when I'm ready to rush into them again.
I don't want words of comfort or support right now. I just want to send these thoughts out into the void, knowing that they won't go unnoticed by the One who matters most. He is my Rock. My Strong Tower.
A storm is coming, it's begun to rain. I want to be secure in Him when the full force of the wind and lightening hits.
Did God do amazing things through it all? Absolutely.
Did I feel a strong desire for that chaos to continue? Not so much.
And for the most part, this year HAS been one of peace. I've had time to settle into a mostly permanent living situation, I've hit my stride in my new job, I have a small circle of friends, and a church body that feels like family. It has been lovely.
But now that time of peace has come to a screeching halt. Nothing can bring things to a standstill like certain words from a doctor's mouth. And when it's someone you love, someone who has already had struggles aplenty in this life, the shock, surprise, heartbreak that comes with that news is truly life stopping. But we can't stop. That's the problem. When every inch of me simply wants to crawl under the covers with a bag of bbq potato chips and a Harry Potter book to hide from the situation, hide from the world, I am forced to continue to go through the motions. I have to go to work. I have to eat something besides potato chips. I can't cry in the middle of a brainstorming meeting at work. I can't live in pajama pants in a fort made of blankets and couch cushions. This defense mechanism wants to take me back to my childhood, back to those things that are safe and comfortable, when life consisted of Disney movies and playing dress-up and swinging in the backyard all afternoon. There were no worries, there was no heartache like I experience now. And if there was, I was blissfully unaware of it.
But as much as I want to barricade myself in my apartment with my books and my embroidery, I am reminded that "Losing your mind is not a luxury for the middle class." (from P.S. I Love You)
Nor is it an appropriate response for one who is a child of God.
My God is in control.
This is part of his plan.
This is the mantra I have to keep repeating.
Do I know why He has allowed this trial? No.
Do I have to know why? No. I would like to, but I don't have to.
I feel numb. But there's an ache behind the numbness. I feel sick. I find myself having to force a smile.
I don't know how to feel.
A problem with being an introvert is that we process internally, so it's all just spinning around in my head. I feel like I should be having an emotional response, but I haven't. Not yet at least. I'm sure it will come, and when it does it will be a torrent of tears and angry words. But until then, I'm still processing. And writing is part of that process for me. The quote at the top of my blog could not be more true. Even in the twenty minutes that I've sat down at this post, I've understood a little better what I'm thinking and how I'm feeling. I'm still processing. And I'm praying. And I'm thanking my God that He does not abandon me. Even when I feel angry towards Him. Even when I don't want to talk to Him, or read His word, He is there. And His arms will be open when I'm ready to rush into them again.
I don't want words of comfort or support right now. I just want to send these thoughts out into the void, knowing that they won't go unnoticed by the One who matters most. He is my Rock. My Strong Tower.
A storm is coming, it's begun to rain. I want to be secure in Him when the full force of the wind and lightening hits.
Tuesday, February 5, 2013
Twelve Months
I've been feeling very retrospective the past few days. I know many people take the opportunity of the new year at the beginning of January to look back and see where they've come from in the past year. Due to starting a new job and moving I didn't have an opportunity to do that. But things have slowed down, at least momentarily, and it's given me an opportunity to look back.
What a year 2012 was. I mean seriously. It was like all the possible disasters were having a contest to see who could out do the other. Awesome.
Relationships that began and ended. Jobs that ended and began. Home and hearth being uprooted and relocated. Soaring joy. Heart ache. Utter confusion. Heartbreak. Bitter anger. Physical pain. Comfort. Emotional chaos. Gentle healing. So many peaks and valleys all wrapped up in a 12 month period (more or less).
I look back at where I was twelve months ago. Who I was as a person.
I am no longer that person. I've changed. God has changed me. He's been doing some intensive work. So intense I didn't think I'd make it through some days. And while I don't know that I can honestly say I'm GLAD that I experienced what I did, I can say that I'm GRATEFUL. I can see how God's hand was in every experience, every heartbreak, every triumph. I see the person that I've grown to be, and am immensely thankful.
And yet....
I still struggle.
That's incredibly frustrating for me.
I know I'm not perfect, nor will I EVER be! But to see what I've come through, it seems like I should be able to put some struggles behind me. The organizer in me wants to be able to check it off my list and move on to the next thing. "Okay, I've conquered doubt. I will never doubt again! Time to work on fear!"
I must remember that I am a work in progress! God's work will never be fully realized in me here on this earth. And so....
....I will continue to have doubts....
....I will continue to have fears....
....I will continue to stumble.....
but MAYBE, just maybe, I won't doubt for as long, maybe I won't be as afraid as I was a year ago, maybe I will get back up a little quicker after I stumble. I will continue to cry out to God, to lean on him as my Rock and foundation. I will continue to journal, and blog, and dig deeper into my quiet times, and sing the songs in my heart. Because looking back at where I've come from, I can have hope for where I am going. I changed a lot in the last year, how much will I change in the next twelve months?
What a year 2012 was. I mean seriously. It was like all the possible disasters were having a contest to see who could out do the other. Awesome.
Relationships that began and ended. Jobs that ended and began. Home and hearth being uprooted and relocated. Soaring joy. Heart ache. Utter confusion. Heartbreak. Bitter anger. Physical pain. Comfort. Emotional chaos. Gentle healing. So many peaks and valleys all wrapped up in a 12 month period (more or less).
I look back at where I was twelve months ago. Who I was as a person.
I am no longer that person. I've changed. God has changed me. He's been doing some intensive work. So intense I didn't think I'd make it through some days. And while I don't know that I can honestly say I'm GLAD that I experienced what I did, I can say that I'm GRATEFUL. I can see how God's hand was in every experience, every heartbreak, every triumph. I see the person that I've grown to be, and am immensely thankful.
And yet....
I still struggle.
That's incredibly frustrating for me.
I know I'm not perfect, nor will I EVER be! But to see what I've come through, it seems like I should be able to put some struggles behind me. The organizer in me wants to be able to check it off my list and move on to the next thing. "Okay, I've conquered doubt. I will never doubt again! Time to work on fear!"
I must remember that I am a work in progress! God's work will never be fully realized in me here on this earth. And so....
....I will continue to have doubts....
....I will continue to have fears....
....I will continue to stumble.....
but MAYBE, just maybe, I won't doubt for as long, maybe I won't be as afraid as I was a year ago, maybe I will get back up a little quicker after I stumble. I will continue to cry out to God, to lean on him as my Rock and foundation. I will continue to journal, and blog, and dig deeper into my quiet times, and sing the songs in my heart. Because looking back at where I've come from, I can have hope for where I am going. I changed a lot in the last year, how much will I change in the next twelve months?
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