Sinking In

Today I was supposed to go to a doctor's appointment with my mom. I ended up not being able to go, but...
Today it sank it a little more that my mom's life has changed. My entire family's lives have changed.

This is a concept that has had a hard time sinking in for me. It's like dropping a hunk of chocolate in a jar of peanut butter and expecting it to sink to the bottom. It doesn't sink, it just sits there, stuck on the surface. The concept of my mom having cancer has been stuck for a couple months. It just sits on my brain, not really doing anything useful, just hanging around, stealing my sleep and peace of mind.

I've been trying to figure out why this life change won't sink in my for me. Granted, it's a big life change. It will take time. But I see everyone around me having emotional responses and I haven't yet.

I've struggled with numbness. It's a defense mechanism, in order to protect myself from the pain, I shut down. But the problem is, you can't choose which parts to selectively shut down. If you shut down one feeling, you shut them all down. By choosing not to feel pain I'm choosing not to feel love, or joy. I don't want to respond in that way.

And then, God spoke to me, through a very dear friend.

She suggested that maybe I wasn't experiencing numbness, but it was actually God protecting my heart. What if God has been shielding my heart from the pain and heartbreak, allowing it to enter a bit at a time, in manageable pieces. Instead of dropping the entire chocolate bar, he's breaking it into pieces, and making the pieces a bit melty, so that they can be stirred into my peanut butter a little easier.

Today, another piece of melty chocolate was added to my peanut butter jar. Granted, it's not as tasty as that, but my God is continuing to watch over me, shelter me, and lead me by the hand through this transition into a new life. I hope the end result is as satisfying as chocolate and peanut butter.