Holding Pattern

"Wow, I tell ya what, wow!"
For those of you who don't know me terribly well, you should know that mind in made up mostly of song lyrics and movie quotes :) I'll give a hug to whoever can name the above quote! (hint it's animated)

But it accurately sums up how I feel. Isn't it just the truth that when you think things can't get any worse, life throws its head back and laughs hysterically, and then can't pass up the urge to prove us wrong. Awesome.

What's particularly frustrating with this situation that I'm just being called to wait. To quote an iconic movie character with a Spanish accent "I hate waiting."
(a gold star for whoever names this one, I'll even give you a picture!)

I am generally a pretty decisive person. I usually have a pretty clear idea of what I should be doing, and once I've determined a course of action, I take it. But I'm in a situation where I've been on my knees, practically begging God to tell me where to go. I want to submit to Him, I want to do his will, I truly do! But I have NO IDEA what His will is in this situation. For a while I thought I had two options before me: Action 1, Action 2.

For weeks I've been trying to decide between Action 1 and Action 2. There isn't one that's more right or wrong than the other. I could pick either one and God would use it as he will. But He hasn't given me any kind of direction about which one to pick. I spent weeks vacillating between the two; Monday I'd wake up convinced that I needed to do Action 1, and then Tuesday I'd be uncertain, and thinking that maybe I should actually choose Action 2. Weeks of this.

Then God gave me an answer. Too bad it wasn't the answer I wanted....

It just struck me one day, "Kaylee, did it ever occur to you that the reason you can't make up your mind is because you're not supposed to pick Action 1 or 2? Maybe you're just supposed to be waiting?

*Siiiiiiiigh*  *insert whiny whines*

 Introduce Action 3 (or anti-Action?)

I am not a good waiter. I try, but I'm not the most patient of people. I'm all about efficiency, and in an effort to be as efficient as possible, I'm pretty good at avoiding much waiting.

Once God sent me this brain wave, he brought to mind one of my favorite verses....at least, it had been one of my favorite verses, until I felt so convicted by it :)
Psalm 62:1 "For God alone my soul waits in silence, from him comes my salvation."

Ouch. My soul hasn't been waiting very well, and it sure as heck hasn't been waiting in silence. There are definitely times to cry out to God, but there are times when we just need to shut up and listen.

So I'm waiting. I am trying to remember who my hope is, who it's founded on. And it helps to listen to songs like this and remember what home I'm waiting for....

"a place of abundance"

God is definitely opening me up to new experiences this year. I mean, 2012 has just been chock-full of changes and firsts and growth. 

Sometimes I sit back and think, "Okay God, I'm ready for a break! Can't things just stay neutral, for a little bit at least?" And then I'm pretty sure God chuckles and shakes his head (not maliciously, but benevolently) and picks up his shaker full of "change" and "firsts" and "challenges" and sprinkles some more of that mix on my head like fairy dust. Too bad all the change and firsts and challenges can't make me fly, because that'd be pretty amazing. : )

But no, no flight. Just stress levels that are through the roof. Seriously, I have never in my life experienced the kind of stress I am currently going through. And I was happy not experiencing it. It's not like I was sitting on my couch wishing, "Gee, I just don't have enough stress in my life, God can you do something about that?" Nope, I can guarantee I haven't ever thought that. 

Yet, here I am, exhausted, drained mentally and physically and emotionally, playing a waiting game with an ending that hasn't been written yet. Actually, that's not true. God know's how it'll end. He just isn't sharing with me : ) 

I'm sure you've experienced that place in life, where circumstances are beyond your control, and things are all up in the air, and you have to, need to, must pray. But you pick up your pen to journal, or you hit your knees on your bedroom floor, and you don't have the words. All you can do is cry out, and pray that God hears you heart, because you can't express how you're feeling in words. 
I've been meditating on Romans 8:26 this week, and it's been such a comfort to me...

"Likewise, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words." 10-12

How amazing is that? Seriously, the Holy Spirit, knows my heart, and he knows God's heart, and he prays for me! Wow. What more could I ask for? 

It doesn't take long for my selfish and easily-distracted heart to come up with an answer to that question. What about a happy ending? An ending that will make all the struggle worthwhile....

Yeah, God's got an answer for that too, and he showed me this week in Psalm 66:

"For you, O God, have tested us;
you have tried us as silver is tried.
You brought us into the net;
you laid a crushing burden on our backs;
you let men ride over our heads;
we went through fire and through water;
yet you have brought us out to a place of abundance."

Okay, so just to be clear:
1. When I don't have words to pray, the Holy Spirit intercedes for me, 
and
2. though he allows the trials, trying me like silver, he will bring me out to a place of abundance....

Gosh, *shuffles feet sheepishly*

God, you really do that for me? 

My stress levels may be at an all-time high, and my life may be very-much out of my control currently, but I have hope. There is a place of abundance coming. I don't know when, I don't know how, or what it will look like, but it is coming. My God is that amazing. 

Upward and Onward

I've had a lot of time to think the past couple of weeks. I wish I could say I was just overflowing with happy, joyous, warm fuzzies.
But that would not be honest  : )
Things haven't been bad, they haven't been super fantastic either....I'm just...kinda....meh...

How lame is that?

Because when I really sit down and think about my life, I know I've got it good.

I live in a country where I don't have to fear for my life because of my faith.

I have a family who I love and who loves me! (including a poodle)

Lissa's Graduation with Ty :) 

Winston

I have friends in all stages of life that I get to experience with them, and be an encouragement and support to, and who are there for me too.

Me and Mandjo

Em and Christi and I at Rache's wedding

I have a place to live and food to eat, a bed to sleep in and clothes to wear, all provided for me by a job which God provided for me.

So why can't I shake this feeling of discouragement? This feeling of despondency....

After going on a short mission trip to Chicago with a church group a few weeks ago, I struggled with figuring out how to best use my time.

Going on a mission trip is a great opportunity to serve, but many times it's a one-time opportunity, and then we go home and often times continue to live our lives with no change. I didn't want that to be the case with me. I wanted to make a change in my life, using my time to make a difference in my community, which is just as important as missions work away from home.

It took me a few days after I came home but I finally saw (aka God showed me) a way to use my time and make an impact in someone's life.

I don't want to just continue living my life with a horizontal view, I want a vertical perspective, I want to live in a way that makes a kingdom difference. It may not be street evangelism, it may not be feeding starving children in Africa, but that doesn't make it any less important. God works through big and small, and I am just grateful to be used by him at all.

"When my heart is faint..."

I am emotionally lost right now. 

Floundering....wandering....seeking....searching.....

Completely at a loss as how to handle my current situation. 

I've never been here before, this is new territory and I feel like I'm walking blind, like when you have to walk across a room in the dark and your hands are stretched out before you to keep from running into something you can't see. 

I'm crying out to my heavenly Father, just wanting to be held by Him, to feel his presence taking me by the hand and leading me through the dark. 

My heart is aching, confused. Things changed so suddenly, I think it's still in shock, and I'm dreading the crash that will come when the shock wears off.

Sometimes life sucks.

But fortunately for us, our joy doesn't have to be dependent on our circumstances, and when I cry out to my heavenly Father, He hears me.

"Hear my cry oh God, listen to my prayer; from the end of the earth I call to you when my heart is faint. Lead me to the rock that is higher than I, for you have been my refuge, a strong tower against my enemy." Psalm 61:1-3. 

I am under attack, and it's been especially strong the past couple of days. But my God is my rock, my strong tower. 

"Taste and See"

In my quiet time this morning I read Psalm 34, and verse 8 stood out to me:

"Oh taste and see that the Lord is good! Blessed is the man who takes refuge in him!"

Yes, the Lord is good. The man who abides in him will be blessed. Those statements I get, I can wrap my mind around them. But the very beginning of the verse "Oh taste and see," I sat at the table this morning thinking, what does in the world does that look like?

How can I taste God? That's a little strange....then I thought, it could be referring to John 6:35 "Jesus said to them, 'I am the bread of life; whoever comes to me shall not hunger, and whoever believes in me shall never thirst.'" Jesus is our sustenance, the only thing that can satisfy us. But that still doesn't explain what it would look like to "...taste and see that the Lord is good"

It makes me think of a baby, and how, when they're exploring and learning about their world, 9 times out of 10 they try to stick everything they can in their mouth. That's how they experience their world. They don't limit their exploration to just sight and sound, but include touch and taste as well.

I think we lose that as we get older. How often to we strive to experience our world with all five of our senses? How often to we strive to experience God with all five of our senses?

I want to run outside and roll in the grass, feeling the blades between my fingers, the dirt under my toes, smell the freshness of spring, listen to the birds chattering away, pluck an apple from the tree and bite into the crisp and juiciness, and see the powder puff clouds floating across the serene blue sky.


I want to hug my family, feel their arms around me, smell each of their individual scents, hear their laughter and kiss their beautiful faces.

It's all God, but how often do we think about that? I want to "taste and see."

I want to be much more intentional about experiencing God with all of my senses.

I don't have a creative title...

It's amazing how we have to keep learning the same lessons in life isn't it? God teaches us something, and we think we've learned it, but then a month later we're relearning the same thing again.

Or maybe that's just me...I don't mean to generalize. But I have a feeling I'm not the only one  : )

It seems like the lesson I keep having to learn and learn again is trust.

It's not like God hasn't shown Himself to be worthy of my trust. He's definitely shown himself again and again. 

So why do I keep coming back to this issue? Why doesn't it stick??????

Why do I have such a hard time placing my trust wholeheartedly on God? 

God has been growing me again these past few months, forcing me to lean on Him and place my trust in Him. And I've learned something about myself. In the past, I would realize the need for trusting God in the BIG circumstances. Perfect example: Spain last year. A year ago I was preparing to go to Spain for two months, trying to raise funds, deciding what to pack, trying not to freak out that I was going and there was no plan for when I came home again. I was learning to trust God through that big leap of faith. But lately I've been learning to trust God through the little things. Why shouldn't I trust God to handle my daily things? He has been stretching me. Pushing here, prodding there, pruning, trimming and grooming me.

Has it been painful? Certainly.

Has it been difficult? Most definitely.

Has it been worth it? Absolutely!

I'm in a place in life that I've never experienced before, because I waited, and was patient, and trusted God. He has yet to let me down, so maybe one of these days the lesson will sink in fully. Until then I suppose I'll just keep learning, growing, and enjoying this ride! 

Getting to Know You...

I've recently grown in my appreciation for getting to know someone new. Anyone who knows me knows that meeting knew people is NOT my favorite thing. At all. It terrifies me, stresses me out, causes me anxiety. I'm horrible at small talk and can never think of anything to say or any questions to ask. My mind just goes blank!

BUT

Once the initial first meeting is over, I've realized that I can enjoy getting to know someone and making a new friend.

I've realized that getting to know someone is kind of like reading a new book for the first time. You have a whole story to explore and learn and get lost in! A new person is the same way, they have a story that they'll start to share with you, and as you get to know them and know their story you start to find things in common and relate and get invested in the person, like you would a book.

When I liken it to books it's not nearly so scary  : )
And of course, any excuse to show a clip from a musical should be taken advantage of.

5 am Musings

So it's one of those nights, I'm just not supposed to sleep I guess. There are so many other things I could be getting done, so many things to think about, so many prayers to pray. So, 4 hours of sleep it is! Let's get this stuff done!
In some ways, I love being the only one awake in the wee hours....everything is so, quiet. I love the silence. There are no distractions. The computer and cell phone are off, the lamp is low, and my Lord calls me to my knees. It's been an amazing morning.
We'll see how I feel around 2:00 this afternoon, but for now, I'm flying high, reveling in the silence and peace that only my Heavenly Father brings.

Great is His Faithfulness

Isn't it amazing how God can turn something horrible and depressing into a blessing?

This weekend was a crazy whirlwind that totally did not go as I had planned, which, for anyone who knows me, knows what a problem that can be for me. But God took my plans and after throwing them out the window into the blizzard turned me onto the path towards His plan. You'd think I would learn by now, but it seems this is one lesson I'll have to keep learning....and repeating...

I was supposed to go to Maranatha Bible camp this weekend for an annual worship conference. Churches from several states and denominations come together for a weekend of workshops and worship and fellowship and refreshment. It's also a reunion of sorts for me, since my dear dear friends,the Braddy family, who used to live in Kearney but moved to Wyoming, are there and it's wonderful to get to catch up and spend time together. Overall it's a rejuvenating and revitalizing weekend, and one that I look forward to all year.

So naturally Nebraska would go all winter with hardly any snow and then choose this one weekend to blizzard on us.

I held off making a decision on whether or not I would make the hour and a half-ish drive to camp come sleet or snow or ice or wind, but Friday morning came and it was clear that the storm wasn't going to blow over like I had hoped, and I decided it would be best to stay in Kearney. I felt like I had been punched in the gut and had a good little cry in my office once I had officially decided to stay. I couldn't help but be upset and frustrated with God. Why would He deny me the one opportunity I would have to see this family I haven't seen in eight months and an opportunity to spend a weekend growing in my worship to Him?

I couldn't see it until after the weekend was over, but my heavenly Father had some wonderful things planned for me for the weekend, and I am so grateful that I was able to spend the weekend in Kearney, doing what I ended up doing.
It still hurts, not being able to see people I had been hoping to see and don't know when I'll see again, but there was a lot of good that came out of the weekend and I am thankful that God chose to bless me as He did.
When will I learn to trust my heavenly Father with my life and plans? I don't know that I'll ever fully get there, but I hope to get better at it, through Him and His strength. I want to be able to completely trust Him with everything and it's what I'm constantly striving for.

Great is His faithfulness, His steadfast love endures forever. Amen!

Miscellaneous Ramblings

So it's been a while.
I'm sorry blog, I didn't mean to neglect you. It's amazing how the days have just been FLYING by isn't it? Suddenly I turned around and we're into the year 2012! Seriously, when did this happen? And who gave permission for this to happen?? And January is practically gone! Ridiculous :)

So what have I been up to? Let's think...
Celebrating my 23rd birthday....weird.
Moving out of my parent's basement....bittersweet.
Moving into a new apartment....crazy.
Making new friends....amaaaazing.
Working/building relationships with my coworkers....challenging.
Leading worship for women's Bible study....stretching.
Trying to stay connected with old friends....difficult.
Learning how to live with my new roomie....fun.
Learning more about my Heavenly Father....awe inspiring.

My plate is full!

It's just been amazing to take a step back and see how God has been working through me these past months. Doesn't it just blow your mind that God chooses to use us, flawed as we are?! Doesn't it humble you so much to think about how He doesn't need us. I was thinking about Adam and Eve, and how God could have so easily just said, "Well that didn't work out, I'll just scrap them and start over. Take two."
But He didn't.
He chose to extend GRACE!
He chose to love on us in a way that means so much more now that we are a FLAWED people.
Doesn't that just make you want to worship Him with everything you have?
"For it is all for your sake, so that as grace extends to more and more people it may increase thanksgiving, to the glory of God." 2 Corinthians 4:15
And then I start thinking about how often we misconstrue the concept of worship. We'll sing the songs at church and then when we're leaving the building to go to lunch we say, "Wow, that was an awesome worship set," or we say, "I just wasn't feeling those songs today."

We're forgetting one very important thing.

It's not about us!!!!!!
Shocking. I know.

So what if I didn't FEEL anything during that worship set? It's not about how you feel, it's about praising and giving glory to God! We shouldn't be leaving the church talking about awesome the music was, but about how AWESOME God is!!!!

And sometimes yes, we will be blessed with overwhelming feelings of thanks, or awe, or conviction, and we shouldn't be afraid to feel those things. There are definitely people who are too afraid to let themselves experience those feelings, having been warned that feelings aren't to be trusted. And while no, we shouldn't be making life decision based off of feelings, we can't forget that feelings are part of the way God created us. Feelings aren't bad in of themselves, when they are from the Holy Spirit.

Fear is a feeling, and yet aren't we supposed to have a fear of the Lord our God?
"Serve the Lord with fear, and rejoice with trembling." Psalm 2:11

So where I am I going with all of this, you ask?

I'm not sure, I just know it's what was pressing on my heart, and I wanted to share :)
I hope everyone can take some time to step back and see how God is using them, it's just awe inspiring!