I've been feeling very retrospective the past few days. I know many people take the opportunity of the new year at the beginning of January to look back and see where they've come from in the past year. Due to starting a new job and moving I didn't have an opportunity to do that. But things have slowed down, at least momentarily, and it's given me an opportunity to look back.
What a year 2012 was. I mean seriously. It was like all the possible disasters were having a contest to see who could out do the other. Awesome.
Relationships that began and ended. Jobs that ended and began. Home and hearth being uprooted and relocated. Soaring joy. Heart ache. Utter confusion. Heartbreak. Bitter anger. Physical pain. Comfort. Emotional chaos. Gentle healing. So many peaks and valleys all wrapped up in a 12 month period (more or less).
I look back at where I was twelve months ago. Who I was as a person.
I am no longer that person. I've changed. God has changed me. He's been doing some intensive work. So intense I didn't think I'd make it through some days. And while I don't know that I can honestly say I'm GLAD that I experienced what I did, I can say that I'm GRATEFUL. I can see how God's hand was in every experience, every heartbreak, every triumph. I see the person that I've grown to be, and am immensely thankful.
And yet....
I still struggle.
That's incredibly frustrating for me.
I know I'm not perfect, nor will I EVER be! But to see what I've come through, it seems like I should be able to put some struggles behind me. The organizer in me wants to be able to check it off my list and move on to the next thing. "Okay, I've conquered doubt. I will never doubt again! Time to work on fear!"
I must remember that I am a work in progress! God's work will never be fully realized in me here on this earth. And so....
....I will continue to have doubts....
....I will continue to have fears....
....I will continue to stumble.....
but MAYBE, just maybe, I won't doubt for as long, maybe I won't be as afraid as I was a year ago, maybe I will get back up a little quicker after I stumble. I will continue to cry out to God, to lean on him as my Rock and foundation. I will continue to journal, and blog, and dig deeper into my quiet times, and sing the songs in my heart. Because looking back at where I've come from, I can have hope for where I am going. I changed a lot in the last year, how much will I change in the next twelve months?
