Sinking In

Today I was supposed to go to a doctor's appointment with my mom. I ended up not being able to go, but...
Today it sank it a little more that my mom's life has changed. My entire family's lives have changed.

This is a concept that has had a hard time sinking in for me. It's like dropping a hunk of chocolate in a jar of peanut butter and expecting it to sink to the bottom. It doesn't sink, it just sits there, stuck on the surface. The concept of my mom having cancer has been stuck for a couple months. It just sits on my brain, not really doing anything useful, just hanging around, stealing my sleep and peace of mind.

I've been trying to figure out why this life change won't sink in my for me. Granted, it's a big life change. It will take time. But I see everyone around me having emotional responses and I haven't yet.

I've struggled with numbness. It's a defense mechanism, in order to protect myself from the pain, I shut down. But the problem is, you can't choose which parts to selectively shut down. If you shut down one feeling, you shut them all down. By choosing not to feel pain I'm choosing not to feel love, or joy. I don't want to respond in that way.

And then, God spoke to me, through a very dear friend.

She suggested that maybe I wasn't experiencing numbness, but it was actually God protecting my heart. What if God has been shielding my heart from the pain and heartbreak, allowing it to enter a bit at a time, in manageable pieces. Instead of dropping the entire chocolate bar, he's breaking it into pieces, and making the pieces a bit melty, so that they can be stirred into my peanut butter a little easier.

Today, another piece of melty chocolate was added to my peanut butter jar. Granted, it's not as tasty as that, but my God is continuing to watch over me, shelter me, and lead me by the hand through this transition into a new life. I hope the end result is as satisfying as chocolate and peanut butter.

This Is Why We're Friends

Today I am thankful for my friends...

...for the friends who share my slightly ridiculous obsess-I mean, passion, for things that others could care less about...

...for the friends who don't share my slightly ridiculous fanaticism, but don't judge me for it....

...for the friends who I can communicate with in just a look...

...for the friends who have and will dress up with me for various occasions, like an ugly Christmas sweater party or a Harry Potter movie premiere...

...for the friends who haven't let me live down my embarrassing moments...

...for the friends who can carry a conversation made entirely of movie quotes....

...for the friends who will unashamedly break into song in the middle of Walmart...

...for the friends who share a glass (or two) of wine...

...for the friends who can pick up on my sarcasm even in a text message...

...for the friends who have laughed and cried (that one time I cried) with me...

...for the friends who have been a shoulder, a hug, a tickle, a dance and duet partner...

...for the friends who have seen all sides of me, pretty, ugly, and everywhere in between...

You are those who speak the language of my heart. You are blessings rained down on me from my Heavenly Father. You cannot know how much you mean to me, partly because I stink at telling people how I feel, and partly because even if I wanted to express it I don't know that I could find the appropriate words. We've been through thick and thin, and sweat and tears, long time and short, and we're stretched across great distances. 

To my Anne-of-Green-Gables-bossom-friends, my kindred spirits, I love you, more than you know.