How do you face the terror of the unknown?
How do you plan for the life-altering experience you know is coming?
How do you deal with the knowledge that things will never be the same?
How do you keep your terror from overwhelming, overpowering you?
I know the verses about not worrying, I know we are commanded not to fear. I know these things in my head, but it's another matter entirely for that knowledge to penetrate the thick, sticky smog of fear and uncertainty.
I know my God does not, will not leave me. I know my family is not walking through this trial alone.
None the less, it feels very, very lonely.
My Bible can't wrap strong arms around me and hold me tight in the quiet hours of sleepless nights. It sits on my lap, and doesn't reply when I beg for answers to my questions. I know my God is near, but He feels very far away.
So I'll keep wandering, stumbling through the smog, praying for peace, praying for courage.
Wednesday, December 18, 2013
Thursday, December 5, 2013
The 25th Year
Well. It's happened. Or it's about to, I guess.
Why does no one write songs about being 25? Maybe because it's hard to sum up everything that's going on in life at this stage. You've moved on from the high school crushes and the college adventures, but you don't necessarily have enough life under your belt to look back and reminisce about the years long ago.
It's just kind of an awkward stage. I mean, I feel awkward, but maybe that's just me. And I think the only person who can get away with singing a song about being awkward is Taylor Swift...and I definitely don't have her song-writing skills, so I won't even attempt it.
I have a very vivid memory of a conversation I had with a gal a year or so ago. She's a few years younger than me, and we were talking about relationships and she said, "I don't know what I'll do if I'm not married when I turn 25." I was 23 at the time, and had nothing to say in response, because at that point, unless a man walked into my bedroom at that exact moment and professed his undying love for me, it was looking pretty certain that I would not be married by the time I turned 25 years old. But secretly, I felt the same way she did.
What was going to happen to me if I turned 25 and still wasn't married? Surely the world would stop turning, the stars would fall out of the sky, and life as we knew it would end? It sure felt that way. 98% of my closest friends were already married at this point, and I very much felt like I missed the train and was now desperately trying to catch up. Things weren't going according to plan. I was supposed to be married by 21 (22 at the latest), I wanted to wait a couple of years before having kids, and then have three or four kids all before I turned 30 (because everyone knows it's impossible to get pregnant and have babies after you turn 30.) *rolls eyes* As silly and pathetic as it sounds, that was very much my internal dialog...or I guess it was more of a monolog. This was my life. Praying and waiting for God to bring my man in through the door.
I don't want this to turn into a "Single and Proud" blog post. There are plenty of those out there already, and better written than mine. My point is, I'm about to turn 25, and I don't even have a boyfriend, let alone husband. I mean, there isn't even anyone on the radar. And last I checked, the earth was still spinning along, and the stars are floating quite happily in space. What??? You mean my life can go on? You mean my happiness isn't dependent on a relationship?
It has taken me practically my whole life to get to the point where I could be honest with myself about this. I've known my whole life I want to be married. I want to find someone to spend the rest of my life with, bringing each other closer to God. I've never allowed myself to even consider the possibility that it may not be in God's plan for me to be married. My heart would close off if that thought ever came close to the surface. I couldn't admit it. It was terrifying. What was my purpose in life going to be if I didn't get married? This is what my heart desires! Why wouldn't God give it to me?
Contrary to what I've been told, and led to believe, there isn't a verse in the Bible that says "Kaylee Marie Troyer is going to get married because I have someone special set aside for her." There is no promise of the kind in God's Word. Just in the last year have I finally been able to think about the possibility that I won't ever get married. It still scares me, BUT, it has finally sunk into my head and heart that I may serve God's kingdom in a different way from 98% of the people around me.
And it's okay.
Because if I'm truly honest with myself, it's my choice that I am not married right now. Looking back over the past few years, there is at least once, but maybe twice, when I made a conscious choice that led me away from marriage. If I had made a different decision, I probably would be married, and wouldn't be typing up this post. That realization has helped me a lot. I don't want to argue theology, but I believe that God has given us free will within his great plan. He can use our decisions and actions to accomplish his purpose, because he is God. It finally clicked for me, that it was my choices, and not God withholding something from me that was keeping me single. This was so freeing. I realized that I had been harboring resentment against God for making me wait for something that I desired. It was incredibly humbling to recognize that what I had been clinging to was so wrong. How dare I feel that way towards a God who desires the best for me, who has blessed me so far beyond what I deserve?
I am coming to a greater understanding of who I am in God, and what he desires for me. It doesn't change the desires of my heart, but he has opened my eyes to see the ways I can be used for his purposes that others can't. Me, Kaylee, 25, single, working, introverted, book and movie loving nerd who sings all the time, I have a purpose that is independent of my marital status or age. I am no less of an adult, no less of a Christian, no less of a friend because of any of this.
The 25 I am about to be looks much different from what I thought and wanted. But it's okay. I don't want to be held back by wishes and should-have-beens. I want to make intentional choices. This is my life, and I am blessed beyond measure. God has done a lot of shaping and molding in these past 25 years. Who knows what the next 25 will look like?
Why does no one write songs about being 25? Maybe because it's hard to sum up everything that's going on in life at this stage. You've moved on from the high school crushes and the college adventures, but you don't necessarily have enough life under your belt to look back and reminisce about the years long ago.
It's just kind of an awkward stage. I mean, I feel awkward, but maybe that's just me. And I think the only person who can get away with singing a song about being awkward is Taylor Swift...and I definitely don't have her song-writing skills, so I won't even attempt it.
I have a very vivid memory of a conversation I had with a gal a year or so ago. She's a few years younger than me, and we were talking about relationships and she said, "I don't know what I'll do if I'm not married when I turn 25." I was 23 at the time, and had nothing to say in response, because at that point, unless a man walked into my bedroom at that exact moment and professed his undying love for me, it was looking pretty certain that I would not be married by the time I turned 25 years old. But secretly, I felt the same way she did.
What was going to happen to me if I turned 25 and still wasn't married? Surely the world would stop turning, the stars would fall out of the sky, and life as we knew it would end? It sure felt that way. 98% of my closest friends were already married at this point, and I very much felt like I missed the train and was now desperately trying to catch up. Things weren't going according to plan. I was supposed to be married by 21 (22 at the latest), I wanted to wait a couple of years before having kids, and then have three or four kids all before I turned 30 (because everyone knows it's impossible to get pregnant and have babies after you turn 30.) *rolls eyes* As silly and pathetic as it sounds, that was very much my internal dialog...or I guess it was more of a monolog. This was my life. Praying and waiting for God to bring my man in through the door.
I don't want this to turn into a "Single and Proud" blog post. There are plenty of those out there already, and better written than mine. My point is, I'm about to turn 25, and I don't even have a boyfriend, let alone husband. I mean, there isn't even anyone on the radar. And last I checked, the earth was still spinning along, and the stars are floating quite happily in space. What??? You mean my life can go on? You mean my happiness isn't dependent on a relationship?
It has taken me practically my whole life to get to the point where I could be honest with myself about this. I've known my whole life I want to be married. I want to find someone to spend the rest of my life with, bringing each other closer to God. I've never allowed myself to even consider the possibility that it may not be in God's plan for me to be married. My heart would close off if that thought ever came close to the surface. I couldn't admit it. It was terrifying. What was my purpose in life going to be if I didn't get married? This is what my heart desires! Why wouldn't God give it to me?
Contrary to what I've been told, and led to believe, there isn't a verse in the Bible that says "Kaylee Marie Troyer is going to get married because I have someone special set aside for her." There is no promise of the kind in God's Word. Just in the last year have I finally been able to think about the possibility that I won't ever get married. It still scares me, BUT, it has finally sunk into my head and heart that I may serve God's kingdom in a different way from 98% of the people around me.
And it's okay.
Because if I'm truly honest with myself, it's my choice that I am not married right now. Looking back over the past few years, there is at least once, but maybe twice, when I made a conscious choice that led me away from marriage. If I had made a different decision, I probably would be married, and wouldn't be typing up this post. That realization has helped me a lot. I don't want to argue theology, but I believe that God has given us free will within his great plan. He can use our decisions and actions to accomplish his purpose, because he is God. It finally clicked for me, that it was my choices, and not God withholding something from me that was keeping me single. This was so freeing. I realized that I had been harboring resentment against God for making me wait for something that I desired. It was incredibly humbling to recognize that what I had been clinging to was so wrong. How dare I feel that way towards a God who desires the best for me, who has blessed me so far beyond what I deserve?
I am coming to a greater understanding of who I am in God, and what he desires for me. It doesn't change the desires of my heart, but he has opened my eyes to see the ways I can be used for his purposes that others can't. Me, Kaylee, 25, single, working, introverted, book and movie loving nerd who sings all the time, I have a purpose that is independent of my marital status or age. I am no less of an adult, no less of a Christian, no less of a friend because of any of this.
The 25 I am about to be looks much different from what I thought and wanted. But it's okay. I don't want to be held back by wishes and should-have-beens. I want to make intentional choices. This is my life, and I am blessed beyond measure. God has done a lot of shaping and molding in these past 25 years. Who knows what the next 25 will look like?
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