A tangled mess

Anyone who knows me at all knows that I like my life to be like this.

Neat.

Organized.

Orderly.

Planned.

Color Coordinated.

Lately I feel like my life is like this.

Chaos.

Tangled.

Messy.

Confused.

Not color coordinated.

I'm grasping, searching for the end of the thread that will lead me in the right direction....

"Kaylee have you registered for graduation yet?"

"Kaylee do you know what you want to do after you graduate?"

"Kaylee have you started looking for a job yet?"
"Kaylee don't you have a boyfriend yet?"

"Kaylee how are preparations for Spain coming?"
"Kaylee have you turned in your homework yet?"

GAH!

Sometimes I just feel like screaming "I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M DOING WITH MY LIFE LEAVE ME ALONE!"

Unfortunately screaming at people tends to be frowned upon. I know people mean well, and they genuinely care and want to know, but people also forget that they are not the only person to have asked me these questions.

I just feel like crawling in a hole, I want to hide from it all. That's always been my personality. I am not confrontational. It doesn't matter if it's people or just an uncomfortable situation, I don't confront naturally. I much prefer to pull back into my shell and hide out the storm, hoping it will just be gone when I poke my head out.

Needless to say this is not the best way to handle the situation.

Why do I forget Who I have on my side?

Why do I forget that I have God fighting for me! I'm not in this alone, not by a long shot!

Do I ask Him for help though? I should. All I have to do is ask. He is faithful. He is mighty to save.

In His time, He will help me find the end of the thread.

He will shape me and form me into something beautiful for His glory.

Leaps...

Leaps of joy

Leaps and bounds

Leaps of faith

Leaps can be used in numerous contexts...but the last one is what I'll be working on in the months to come....and hopefully the first two will be products of this leap of faith.

As stated in previous posts, I don't do well with change.

I don't do well with bravery.

But I am taking the reins in my teeth and am applying to go to Spain for three months this summer for mission work with Springs of Life camp. My church supports Glenn and Sue Ashcraft who run the camp and they came to my church a couple of weeks ago to give a progress report of sorts. I felt a tugging at my heart (The Holy Spirit), and a tugging on my arm (my mom) and I talked with Glenn after the service about the possibility of joining him and Sue that summer. We exchanged contact information and the week that followed for me was....

confusing...

terrifying....

exciting....

lacking in sleep....

I tossed the idea back and forth, I prayed, I stayed up at night, unable to sleep because of the ideas spinning in my head.

Last night, after a week of praying, talking with friends and family, and tossing and turning, I decided to take the leap. I am applying to work with them for three months. Nothing is certain yet, I have to officially apply through Avant ministries and they'll either approve me or

tell me I'm crazy!

If however, they approve me, I'll start a process that I have no idea how to start.

Asking for references.

Writing support letters.

Booking flights.

Trying not to pass out from the terror of being away from home,

across the ocean for three months.

The idea of being away excites and terrifies me all at the same time, and I know that I can do nothing but grow from this experience, no matter how it turns out.

I have no idea where close to $5000 is going to come from.

But if God wants me to go He will provide.

I have no idea where the courage to travel across the world by myself will come from, except that it will have to come from God.

If this is God's will for me, He will provide.

And then there's that phrase "God's will."

How do I know this is God's will?

His will for His people is to go out into the world and be representatives of His love.

As a very wise friend told me, you would actually have to be called not to go,

because we are all called to go.

So begins an adventure.

I have confidence?

"I have confidence in sunshine, I have confidence in rain! I have confidence that spring will come again! Besides what you see I have confidence in me!"

It is my favorite scene from The Sound of Music, when Julie Andrews sings those words and marches confidently up to the VonTrapp household, not knowing what she would find, but conquering her fears. I've always wished I could be brave like that. Alas courage is not one of my strong suites. I don't do well handling change. It freaks me out. I freeze and panic and am kind of a mess. I like things to stay the way they are, where they're safe, and I know where things are, where I can control them.

But I'm coming to a point in my life where things are completely out of my control, and I need to start making decisions about my future. But instead of making those decisions, I have been ducking my head and avoiding them. Change is scary, the unknown is frightening! I don't know what I want to do with my life, what career I want, where I want to live.....all those questions that people start asking when graduation comes around, I don't know the answers to any of them.

That fact terrifies me.

And yet, aren't we taught that stress and worry are useless occupations? Where does worry get us in life? What does stress accomplish? They are extremely selfish in all actuality because it's basically saying that I can't trust God to take care of things. Yet in Matthew 6 Jesus says "Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life?... Therefore do not be anxious saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble." (25-34)

Is not life more than food?

And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life?

My heavenly Father knows the needs and desires of my heart, better than I do! Who am I to say that He cannot or will not take care of me? It's like I'm saying my troubles are too big for God, or too complex. How absurd! As if my little worry could be too big for my God to handle. It's ridiculous!

And yet I continue to worry....what if I don't find a job after I graduate? what if I have to move back home? The economy is so bad what am I going to do?

Where is my confidence? My bravery? My assurance in Christ? The Lord told Joshua "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go." (Joshua 1:9)

He has commanded us to be brave! And why shouldn't we be? There is nothing we cannot do with God on our side. If we are in His will, seeking His kingdom first, He will protect us, He will always come through for us! He will be with me on my job interviews, He will be with me if I don't get the job I think I want.

And if I am following His will for life right now, His will for my future will fall into place. I need to trust my Lord and Savior to come through for me. He can. He will. There is no greater love than this.

Forever and For Always

Ah Christmas break....

Rest

Relaxation

Freedom

not.

I started the break off with a cold. awesome. After all, who doesn't want to spend their few precious weeks of no homework curled up on the couch with aches and a sore throat? So now as I sit on the couch, wrapped in my blanket with my mug of tea I'm desperate for any distraction from my dripping nose and pounding head....why not write a blog entry? I'm sure everyone wants to hear me gripe about how awful I feel currently.

This is always when I wish I had a boyfriend, someone to snuggle with and sympathize with how badly I feel. Roommates just aren't quite the same :)

But then I have to remember that I am already in a relationship with someone who is ultimately more fulfilling than a boyfriend can ever be....

I am in a beautiful relationship with my Father in Heaven, and He loves me more passionately and faithfully than any man here on earth possibly can. And His is a relationship that I can always always depend on! People, here on earth, will fail us. It is a simple fact. No matter how hard we try, we as people will fail to always be there for each other. Because we are human, there is no way we can fulfill all of our needs! We were designed that way! God is the only one who can fulfill us completely! And isn't it such a comfort to know that we serve a God of absolutes? A God of extremes.

Psalm 113:4 "The Lord is high above all nations." Not some. All!

Psalm 107:1 "Oh give thanks to the Lord, for He is good, for His steadfast love endures forever." Nor just some of the time, but Forever!

Joshua 1:5 "...Just as I was with Moses, so I will be with you. I will not leave you or forsake you." He doesn't say "may be with you, or may not leave you or forsake you" but He will not!

Joshua 1:9 "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go." not just some places, wherever we go!

Our God will never leave us! He will never change! He will never stop loving us. He will always be jealous for us. What a comfort is that, to know we serve and are loved by such a God!

He is not limited by us, and we cannot limit Him. He cannot be constrained by our parameters or guides. He will always keep His promises to us. We can completely and totally rely on Him!

And yet, because all we know are human relationships, we bring that mindset into our relationship with God, and we don't trust Him completely, because we expect Him to fail, because people fail.

How dare we?

God cannot be put in our little cardboard boxes! He is above such things, and we should be eternally grateful that He is! We need to stop expecting God to fail, and start trusting Him with everything, because He will come through for us. Maybe it's not in the way that we want, or the timing we had planned, but He will come through for us in the way that is best for us.

So no matter how badly I want a boyfriend at some times, or no matter how disappointed in my friend, I can always remember that there is one relationship that will always come through for me. He will always, always, always love me!

Two blondes walked into a building...

You know how you can hear a joke, or see a funny movie, or have a funny moment with a friend, and it's hilarious that first time?

But then you hear the joke again, or watch the movie for the second time, or try to retell that funny moment, and it's just not as funny the second time....

I wish we could recapture that hilarity every time. That each time you hear that joke you laugh uncontrollably, or every time you watch that movie you are rolling on the floor laughing.

I think Heaven will be that way. Everything will be perfectly funny...every time....I mean why not? God had fun with His creation, and we were made to enjoy it, so we will be able to enjoy it perfectly in Heaven. I am looking forward to it. :)

Fruit of the Spirit

There is nothing like winter weather to turn me into a grumpy bear. I don't like being cold, or wet, or blown around by the wind, so why would I want them all at the same time? And yet winter it seems has finally arrived and there's nothing I can do about it.

Yet I still let it get me down. Today was just one of those days. I was irritated by everything!

Why do I have to get up and go to class?

Why do we waste time in my classes?

Why do some people think they know it all?

Why do we have to have homework?

Why does it have to be cold???

And then I went to my book group where we're reading "Forgotten God" by Francis Chan. I was frustrated because of my lack of patience, but not to worry, God wasted no time in convicting me and pointing me in the right direction. In the chapter we read for today Chan talked about the Fruit of the Spirit. He made an interesting distinction in the verses from Galations 5 "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law." He wrote how the "fruit" in the verse is singular, it doesn't say the fruits of the Spirit, "but that one fruit incorporates all the different elements that follow (love, joy, peace, etc)" (Chan).

It's like a fruit salad, it all comes as one package. When we allow the Holy Spirit to work in our hearts, all of the fruit will flow forth from us. Not just patience, or kindness, or whatever one we feel like we need more of at the time.

He went on to write how we cannot simply muster up more patience by gritting our teeth and determining to be more patient. We aren't strong enough or good enough on our own to do that. We cannot simply, become more peaceful or joyful. We spend a lot of time trying though, don't we?

I realized we have a tendency to become rather legalistic about it all. We know the sign of growth and faith is the fruit of the Spirit and we know that is what God desires from us, so we spend all our time trying to do those things, instead trying to be who He wants us to be. Chan went on to write that we need to focus our energy not on garnering more will power, but on asking for help from He who can change us, permanently, for the better. Why do we waste our time trying to change ourselves, when the only lasting, heart change comes from our Father? Why don't we ask him to put the fruit of His Spirit into our lives and then spend more time "with the One we want to be more like" (Chan).

We completely forget to give the Holy Spirit his due and ask Him to work in our hearts, to create that lasting change in our lives. Just gritting our teeth and vowing to be more patient is not going to produce lasting results. But when the Holy Spirit moves and works in our heart...that is awesome change.

We can't get past our pride and just let God do His work. We insist on helping, on inserting our two cents. God doesn't need us. He chooses to use us for His glory, but he sure as heck doesn't need us. Why don't we let Him mold and shape us into the men and women He intended us to be? Only His hands will make us beautiful and purposeful, for His glory. Anything else is for us and our glory, and who do we think we are to aspire to that kind of glory?

When the Holy Spirit is able to work in our hearts, His fruit, all His fruit, should come forth, almost naturally! We shouldn't have to grit our teeth, cross our fingers and hope for the best. We have the God of the universe on our side, why don't we ask Him for help?

Just think of everything that could be accomplished for His glory if we swallowed our pride and let Him work through us!

I'm learning to do this.

Falling for Fall

Isn't fall a beautiful season? It's my favorite season...too bad I live in Nebraska where fall lasts about two weeks and the leaves get either blown off or frozen before they even have a chance to change.
But this year...has been stunning!
I love fall, except for one thing....it means winter is coming. Winter is my least favorite season, but I love fall so I'm soaking it up for all it's worth this year!


Fall means leaves turning orange and red and yellow
....spiraling and tumbling to the ground where they collect in piles perfect for jumping in and walking through. I'm pretty positive that God made leaves the way they are so that we could get enjoyment out of them in every possible way. They are a welcome relief in the spring with their green warmth reaching to the sky as the cold of winter melts away....and then they spread themselves as a welcome shade from the heat of the summer sun....and then they explode in colors brighter than anything man can create, made specifically to pop out against the bluer than blue sky before they spin to the ground for our enjoyment as we walk the streets. I always go out of my way to step on those leaves that look especially dry and particularly crunchy. There something so satisfying about hearing the snap and crunch of the leaves under your shoe.

Fall means hot cider and soup in big cups that you can wrap your hands around and absorb heat from
...especially when you're a cheapy like me and put off turning on the heater as long as possible...and like to have the windows open :) and none of that instant, pour the mix in the cup stuff. The real stuff: made in a crock pot with real sprigs of cinnamon…

Fall means breaking out the scarves!

I love scarves...I have too many, but they are a weakness of mine...

remember when the stretchy ones were all the rage? I had four or five of them :)

Fall means I can work out outside without melting away into a puddle of sweat and tears...

it's still warm outside, but the wind has changed. it's cool and light. we don't get blown away by hurricane force, 98 degree gales...

Fall means marching band season! having a younger brother and sister who were both in marching band, it's kind of a big deal :)

Roadtripping (is that a word?) to Lincoln and Columbus with the parentals for parades and competitions.

Kearney High students take marching band very seriously....and so do the families.

That's right, I'm a KHS Band Groupie :)

Fall means Thanksgiving down at the ranch with the Troyer clan...which means tons of food, tons of people and kids running around, riding 4 wheelers, fossil hunting, a hayrack ride, and a bonfire!

yes the Troyers are fossil hunters! the ranch is in the chalk hills and there are all kinds of sharks teeth and vertabrae to find!

But the highlight of the weekend is definitely the bonfire. People in Kearney don't know what a real bonfire is. I was with some friends who were going to a bonfire one evening out in the country. I'm thinking, awesome a bonfire, this will be great! I get there....and it's a pit fire. I'm sorry. A pit fire does not qualify as a bonfire. This is a bonfire.

A bonfire is 15 feet high, 15 feet across, and so hot you can't stand closer than 6 feet, which makes smores difficult. :)

that is a bonfire. none of this pit fire nonsense, sorry folks.

There are so many things to look forward to and do...
God sure knew what He was doing when he made fall...
I am loving seeing God in the fall!