Processing

My prayer for this year has been for peace. After a tumultuous 2012, I very much desired a quiet, peaceful 2013. I was tired of being grown and stretched. I was tired of the upheaval.

Did God do amazing things through it all? Absolutely.
Did I feel a strong desire for that chaos to continue? Not so much.

And for the most part, this year HAS been one of peace. I've had time to settle into a mostly permanent living situation, I've hit my stride in my new job, I have a small circle of friends, and a church body that feels like family. It has been lovely.

But now that time of peace has come to a screeching halt. Nothing can bring things to a standstill like certain words from a doctor's mouth. And when it's someone you love, someone who has already had struggles aplenty in this life, the shock, surprise, heartbreak that comes with that news is truly life stopping. But we can't stop. That's the problem. When every inch of me simply wants to crawl under the covers with a bag of bbq potato chips and a Harry Potter book to hide from the situation, hide from the world, I am forced to continue to go through the motions. I have to go to work. I have to eat something besides potato chips. I can't cry in the middle of a brainstorming meeting at work. I can't live in pajama pants in a fort made of blankets and couch cushions. This defense mechanism wants to take me back to my childhood, back to those things that are safe and comfortable, when life consisted of Disney movies and playing dress-up and swinging in the backyard all afternoon. There were no worries, there was no heartache like I experience now. And if there was, I was blissfully unaware of it.

But as much as I want to barricade myself in my apartment with my books and my embroidery, I am reminded that "Losing your mind is not a luxury for the middle class." (from P.S. I Love You)
Nor is it an appropriate response for one who is a child of God.

My God is in control.
This is part of his plan.

This is the mantra I have to keep repeating.

Do I know why He has allowed this trial? No.
Do I have to know why? No. I would like to, but I don't have to.

I feel numb. But there's an ache behind the numbness. I feel sick. I find myself having to force a smile.
I don't know how to feel.
A problem with being an introvert is that we process internally, so it's all just spinning around in my head. I feel like I should be having an emotional response, but I haven't. Not yet at least. I'm sure it will come, and when it does it will be a torrent of tears and angry words. But until then, I'm still processing. And writing is part of that process for me. The quote at the top of my blog could not be more true. Even in the twenty minutes that I've sat down at this post, I've understood a little better what I'm thinking and how I'm feeling. I'm still processing. And I'm praying. And I'm thanking my God that He does not abandon me. Even when I feel angry towards Him. Even when I don't want to talk to Him, or read His word, He is there. And His arms will be open when I'm ready to rush into them again.

I don't want words of comfort or support right now. I just want to send these thoughts out into the void, knowing that they won't go unnoticed by the One who matters most. He is my Rock. My Strong Tower.

A storm is coming, it's begun to rain. I want to be secure in Him when the full force of the wind and lightening hits.

Twelve Months

I've been feeling very retrospective the past few days. I know many people take the opportunity of the new year at the beginning of January to look back and see where they've come from in the past year. Due to starting a new job and moving I didn't have an opportunity to do that. But things have slowed down, at least momentarily, and it's given me an opportunity to look back.

What a year 2012 was. I mean seriously. It was like all the possible disasters were having a contest to see who could out do the other. Awesome.

Relationships that began and ended. Jobs that ended and began. Home and hearth being uprooted and relocated. Soaring joy. Heart ache. Utter confusion. Heartbreak. Bitter anger. Physical pain. Comfort. Emotional chaos. Gentle healing. So many peaks and valleys all wrapped up in a 12 month period (more or less).

I look back at where I was twelve months ago. Who I was as a person.

I am no longer that person. I've changed. God has changed me. He's been doing some intensive work. So intense I didn't think I'd make it through some days. And while I don't know that I can honestly say I'm GLAD that I experienced what I did, I can say that I'm GRATEFUL. I can see how God's hand was in every experience, every heartbreak, every triumph. I see the person that I've grown to be, and am immensely thankful.

And yet....

I still struggle.

That's incredibly frustrating for me.
I know I'm not perfect, nor will I EVER be! But to see what I've come through, it seems like I should be able to put some struggles behind me. The organizer in me wants to be able to check it off my list and move on to the next thing. "Okay, I've conquered doubt. I will never doubt again! Time to work on fear!"

I must remember that I am a work in progress! God's work will never be fully realized in me here on this earth. And so....
....I will continue to have doubts....
....I will continue to have fears....
....I will continue to stumble.....
but MAYBE, just maybe, I won't doubt for as long, maybe I won't be as afraid as I was a year ago, maybe I will get back up a little quicker after I stumble. I will continue to cry out to God, to lean on him as my Rock and foundation. I will continue to journal, and blog, and dig deeper into my quiet times, and sing the songs in my heart. Because looking back at where I've come from, I can have hope for where I am going. I changed a lot in the last year, how much will I change in the next twelve months?

Holding Pattern

"Wow, I tell ya what, wow!"
For those of you who don't know me terribly well, you should know that mind in made up mostly of song lyrics and movie quotes :) I'll give a hug to whoever can name the above quote! (hint it's animated)

But it accurately sums up how I feel. Isn't it just the truth that when you think things can't get any worse, life throws its head back and laughs hysterically, and then can't pass up the urge to prove us wrong. Awesome.

What's particularly frustrating with this situation that I'm just being called to wait. To quote an iconic movie character with a Spanish accent "I hate waiting."
(a gold star for whoever names this one, I'll even give you a picture!)

I am generally a pretty decisive person. I usually have a pretty clear idea of what I should be doing, and once I've determined a course of action, I take it. But I'm in a situation where I've been on my knees, practically begging God to tell me where to go. I want to submit to Him, I want to do his will, I truly do! But I have NO IDEA what His will is in this situation. For a while I thought I had two options before me: Action 1, Action 2.

For weeks I've been trying to decide between Action 1 and Action 2. There isn't one that's more right or wrong than the other. I could pick either one and God would use it as he will. But He hasn't given me any kind of direction about which one to pick. I spent weeks vacillating between the two; Monday I'd wake up convinced that I needed to do Action 1, and then Tuesday I'd be uncertain, and thinking that maybe I should actually choose Action 2. Weeks of this.

Then God gave me an answer. Too bad it wasn't the answer I wanted....

It just struck me one day, "Kaylee, did it ever occur to you that the reason you can't make up your mind is because you're not supposed to pick Action 1 or 2? Maybe you're just supposed to be waiting?

*Siiiiiiiigh*  *insert whiny whines*

 Introduce Action 3 (or anti-Action?)

I am not a good waiter. I try, but I'm not the most patient of people. I'm all about efficiency, and in an effort to be as efficient as possible, I'm pretty good at avoiding much waiting.

Once God sent me this brain wave, he brought to mind one of my favorite verses....at least, it had been one of my favorite verses, until I felt so convicted by it :)
Psalm 62:1 "For God alone my soul waits in silence, from him comes my salvation."

Ouch. My soul hasn't been waiting very well, and it sure as heck hasn't been waiting in silence. There are definitely times to cry out to God, but there are times when we just need to shut up and listen.

So I'm waiting. I am trying to remember who my hope is, who it's founded on. And it helps to listen to songs like this and remember what home I'm waiting for....

"a place of abundance"

God is definitely opening me up to new experiences this year. I mean, 2012 has just been chock-full of changes and firsts and growth. 

Sometimes I sit back and think, "Okay God, I'm ready for a break! Can't things just stay neutral, for a little bit at least?" And then I'm pretty sure God chuckles and shakes his head (not maliciously, but benevolently) and picks up his shaker full of "change" and "firsts" and "challenges" and sprinkles some more of that mix on my head like fairy dust. Too bad all the change and firsts and challenges can't make me fly, because that'd be pretty amazing. : )

But no, no flight. Just stress levels that are through the roof. Seriously, I have never in my life experienced the kind of stress I am currently going through. And I was happy not experiencing it. It's not like I was sitting on my couch wishing, "Gee, I just don't have enough stress in my life, God can you do something about that?" Nope, I can guarantee I haven't ever thought that. 

Yet, here I am, exhausted, drained mentally and physically and emotionally, playing a waiting game with an ending that hasn't been written yet. Actually, that's not true. God know's how it'll end. He just isn't sharing with me : ) 

I'm sure you've experienced that place in life, where circumstances are beyond your control, and things are all up in the air, and you have to, need to, must pray. But you pick up your pen to journal, or you hit your knees on your bedroom floor, and you don't have the words. All you can do is cry out, and pray that God hears you heart, because you can't express how you're feeling in words. 
I've been meditating on Romans 8:26 this week, and it's been such a comfort to me...

"Likewise, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words." 10-12

How amazing is that? Seriously, the Holy Spirit, knows my heart, and he knows God's heart, and he prays for me! Wow. What more could I ask for? 

It doesn't take long for my selfish and easily-distracted heart to come up with an answer to that question. What about a happy ending? An ending that will make all the struggle worthwhile....

Yeah, God's got an answer for that too, and he showed me this week in Psalm 66:

"For you, O God, have tested us;
you have tried us as silver is tried.
You brought us into the net;
you laid a crushing burden on our backs;
you let men ride over our heads;
we went through fire and through water;
yet you have brought us out to a place of abundance."

Okay, so just to be clear:
1. When I don't have words to pray, the Holy Spirit intercedes for me, 
and
2. though he allows the trials, trying me like silver, he will bring me out to a place of abundance....

Gosh, *shuffles feet sheepishly*

God, you really do that for me? 

My stress levels may be at an all-time high, and my life may be very-much out of my control currently, but I have hope. There is a place of abundance coming. I don't know when, I don't know how, or what it will look like, but it is coming. My God is that amazing. 

Upward and Onward

I've had a lot of time to think the past couple of weeks. I wish I could say I was just overflowing with happy, joyous, warm fuzzies.
But that would not be honest  : )
Things haven't been bad, they haven't been super fantastic either....I'm just...kinda....meh...

How lame is that?

Because when I really sit down and think about my life, I know I've got it good.

I live in a country where I don't have to fear for my life because of my faith.

I have a family who I love and who loves me! (including a poodle)

Lissa's Graduation with Ty :) 

Winston

I have friends in all stages of life that I get to experience with them, and be an encouragement and support to, and who are there for me too.

Me and Mandjo

Em and Christi and I at Rache's wedding

I have a place to live and food to eat, a bed to sleep in and clothes to wear, all provided for me by a job which God provided for me.

So why can't I shake this feeling of discouragement? This feeling of despondency....

After going on a short mission trip to Chicago with a church group a few weeks ago, I struggled with figuring out how to best use my time.

Going on a mission trip is a great opportunity to serve, but many times it's a one-time opportunity, and then we go home and often times continue to live our lives with no change. I didn't want that to be the case with me. I wanted to make a change in my life, using my time to make a difference in my community, which is just as important as missions work away from home.

It took me a few days after I came home but I finally saw (aka God showed me) a way to use my time and make an impact in someone's life.

I don't want to just continue living my life with a horizontal view, I want a vertical perspective, I want to live in a way that makes a kingdom difference. It may not be street evangelism, it may not be feeding starving children in Africa, but that doesn't make it any less important. God works through big and small, and I am just grateful to be used by him at all.

"When my heart is faint..."

I am emotionally lost right now. 

Floundering....wandering....seeking....searching.....

Completely at a loss as how to handle my current situation. 

I've never been here before, this is new territory and I feel like I'm walking blind, like when you have to walk across a room in the dark and your hands are stretched out before you to keep from running into something you can't see. 

I'm crying out to my heavenly Father, just wanting to be held by Him, to feel his presence taking me by the hand and leading me through the dark. 

My heart is aching, confused. Things changed so suddenly, I think it's still in shock, and I'm dreading the crash that will come when the shock wears off.

Sometimes life sucks.

But fortunately for us, our joy doesn't have to be dependent on our circumstances, and when I cry out to my heavenly Father, He hears me.

"Hear my cry oh God, listen to my prayer; from the end of the earth I call to you when my heart is faint. Lead me to the rock that is higher than I, for you have been my refuge, a strong tower against my enemy." Psalm 61:1-3. 

I am under attack, and it's been especially strong the past couple of days. But my God is my rock, my strong tower. 

"Taste and See"

In my quiet time this morning I read Psalm 34, and verse 8 stood out to me:

"Oh taste and see that the Lord is good! Blessed is the man who takes refuge in him!"

Yes, the Lord is good. The man who abides in him will be blessed. Those statements I get, I can wrap my mind around them. But the very beginning of the verse "Oh taste and see," I sat at the table this morning thinking, what does in the world does that look like?

How can I taste God? That's a little strange....then I thought, it could be referring to John 6:35 "Jesus said to them, 'I am the bread of life; whoever comes to me shall not hunger, and whoever believes in me shall never thirst.'" Jesus is our sustenance, the only thing that can satisfy us. But that still doesn't explain what it would look like to "...taste and see that the Lord is good"

It makes me think of a baby, and how, when they're exploring and learning about their world, 9 times out of 10 they try to stick everything they can in their mouth. That's how they experience their world. They don't limit their exploration to just sight and sound, but include touch and taste as well.

I think we lose that as we get older. How often to we strive to experience our world with all five of our senses? How often to we strive to experience God with all five of our senses?

I want to run outside and roll in the grass, feeling the blades between my fingers, the dirt under my toes, smell the freshness of spring, listen to the birds chattering away, pluck an apple from the tree and bite into the crisp and juiciness, and see the powder puff clouds floating across the serene blue sky.


I want to hug my family, feel their arms around me, smell each of their individual scents, hear their laughter and kiss their beautiful faces.

It's all God, but how often do we think about that? I want to "taste and see."

I want to be much more intentional about experiencing God with all of my senses.