An Open Conversation

Those of you who enjoy the music of Gungor (Beautiful Things) may have seen the recent flurry of drama surrounding them, after World Magazine wrote this article about Michael Gungor's views on the interpretation of the book of Genesis, found on their web site, here.

This post is not about discussing whether or not I agree with Michael Gungor. This post is not about condemning or praising him. This post is about encouraging some introspection.

In the aftermath of Gungor's views being highly publicized, they have had concerts canceled, music pulled from shelves, and hateful remarks flung at them. I have seen and read articles on both sides of the fence, most condemning, some praising. But do you know what I haven't seen much of?
A conversation.
I scroll to the bottom of these online articles and see people discussing bickering back and forth over these issues. Oh hold on, this person just switched to CAPS Lock, things are getting serious now! Everyone has to be right. Everyone has to have the last word. Everyone has a scripture verse to support their "holier than thou" point. It makes me sick to see, because it's not helpful or edifying in any way.

We are so quick to immediately conclude that someone is either right or wrong. We are unwilling to even entertain the thought of simply having a conversation about the topic. It's a phenomenon that I've witnessed before in Christian communities. The instant that someone expresses an opinion that doesn't jive with what we've come to accept as truth, our defenses go up and we immediately close the door on an opportunity to discuss it.

Because it's scary to discuss something that could change the way we think and live our lives. It's so much easier and safer to protect our little bubble of "what we think we know" and keep everything else at arm's length while firing off thoughtless accusations. Yet, in our mad scramble to protect, we don't think about the potential damage we're causing. Damage to our witness, damage to the other person attempting to start a conversation, damage to ourselves.

What must non-believers think when they see this kind of arguing going on?

Instead of showing God's love to those around us, we're screaming at each other through our screens. Non-believers see nothing different from what they find on any other web site. Why on earth would anyone on the outside see any incentive to engage in that? They can get the same kind of "discussion" everywhere else, and without the "annoying" Bible verses sprinkled in. Engaging in this kind of petty back and forth does so much more harm than good. In fact, I can't see that it does ANY good. Sorry to break it to you, but your online rant is not going to change anyone's mind. It's just going to make everyone mad.

Is your faith so fragile that it cannot withstand any kind of questioning? 

Are we so afraid of having our world view, our walk of faith changed, that we alienate those with genuine questions and concerns, those with real knowledge that could expand your view of God? Are we so insecure in our own knowledge and ability that we refuse any opportunity to defend our faith? Are we so self-sufficient that we don't ask the Holy Spirit to give us the words to say?

This is not a new problem, not by any stretch of the imagination. But I guess that's what's so discouraging. We don't seem to have learned from our past mistakes.

Instead we've become even more entrenched in our views, convinced that we and we alone have the only right answer. And to a certain extent that is true. We should be able to agree on the salvation issues, and those are hills to die on. But so many of the arguments circulating are about non-salvation issues.

Remember when people thought that the Earth was the center of the universe? And then Copernicus suggested that actually the Sun was the center of the universe and that all other bodies rotated around it? Who shut him down? Yeah, the church. Based on their interpretation of scripture, they declared the Earth to be the center and anyone who thought differently was a heretic, even though your salvation isn't dependent on which celestial body moves around the other.

And then, turns out, the church was wrong. *Gasp* Turns out that the passages of scripture they based their belief on were less literal and more figurative. And as we expanded our knowledge of the universe and our world, we came to understand that. As crazy as it sounds, science and Christianity DO NOT have to be at odds. But that's a post for another time.

The point is, it is arrogant to assume that we have perfectly interpreted the Bible. Please understand me. I am not questioning the validity or authenticity of God's Word. I believe that it IS God's word, God breathed and inspired. Yet, it is being interpreted by humans, and as I must remind you, humans are flawed. It is entirely possible that there are pieces of Scripture, like the book of Genesis, that we have interpreted incorrectly or have a flawed understanding of.

We have to be willing to have open and honest discussions about this. We cannot continue this damaging habit of immediately tearing down anyone who raises a valid question. We MUST stop declaring that so-and-so isn't a Christian because they believe the earth is older than 6,000 years, or because they differ on some other NON-salvation issue. The ability to allow and participate in these conversations can, in turn, strengthen your ability to have civil conversations with someone who believes differently from you (an essential for ALL Christians). You may not change anyone's mind, and they may not change your views, in which case you will have learned how to skillfully but respectfully defend your beliefs.

But, WHAT IF it opens your eyes and heart to new views and ways of seeing God? In my case, it has done nothing but strengthen my faith and increase my awe, respect, and love for God. We must be willing to converse.

Only an open and honest conversation can spread God's light and love to those around us. So the next time someone expresses an opinion that is different from yours, instead of getting your undies in a bunch and slamming the door in their face, swallow your fear and pride, take a deep breath, say a quick prayer for words to speak, and engage them in a conversation. Listen respectfully to what they have to say and go from there. It doesn't have to get heated or angry. You may have to agree to disagree, but how many future doors and opportunities may be opened by one talk? You don't know until you try.

Mourning What Matters

Today America is mourning the loss of a man. He was talented, he was entertaining, he contributed to our culture. It is incredibly sad that he reached a point in his life where he felt he had no other options. And so Americans post videos and pictures and moving tributes, shedding tears for someone that most of them have never met.

Meanwhile, where are the tears shed or the tributes written for the hundreds of women and children being slaughtered in Iraq? Where is their memorial service, their touching video or slideshow in remembrance of their lives? Will no one take a moment to mourn for the needless, senseless, horrific loss of innocent life?

"Oh, but wait!" you say. "I posted on Twitter about that social justice issue and used the corresponding hashtag! I care!" If that's all the "care" you can muster, then it's no wonder atrocities like the mass murders in Iraq continue.

We have gotten lazy. In a world where information is literally at our fingertips 24/7, we've become inundated with viral cat videos and the latest Buzzfeed quiz. And while we can spare ten minutes to take a quiz about which vegetable we would be if we were produce, we can't be bothered to get educated on the genocides happening around the world, the corruption, the terror.

And believe me, I get it, this stuff is depressing. Watching the news for ten minutes is enough to put a damper on anyone's mood. And so you say, "It's depressing. And I can't do anything about the terrorists in Iraq anyway. My being informed doesn't save the lives of Christians being murdered for their beliefs." If being informed isn't going to help people, then I can guarantee you that watching yet another cover of a song from Frozen isn't going to help either.

I'm not here to take a political stance. I don't mean to be a downer. I'm not even here to place a guilt trip. It just breaks my heart that men, women, and children, who have done nothing wrong but are just living their lives, are being slaughtered, and we can't be bothered to really, truly care. But if a Hollywood legend dies then stop the presses! If there is to be any hope for change, we have to start with educating ourselves. I try to stay informed, and many times still feel helpless to do anything about the suffering happening around us.

And yet when it seems there's nothing else I can do, I am reminded that we are not helpless. In fact, we have one of the greatest tools in existence at our disposal.

Prayer.

I am reminded that we serve a sovereign God, a God who holds the world in His hands, who loves and cherishes His people. I cannot reach out across the globe and draw those in danger into my home. But God can draw them to His side. And so I pray. Because I'm informed, I know who to pray for and how to pray for them.

So this week I encourage you to brace yourself, and take some time to read. Find reputable sources (that means NOT Facebook or Twitter) and learn about the terrible, terrible things happening in the Middle East. And then pray.

Multi-Dimensional Peace

Philippians 4:6-7

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus."

These are oft quoted verses. And for good reason. They serve as a reminder of God's sovereignty, that we should take our fears and worries and lay them before Him. They are a promise of peace.

But as I read these verses this week, I paused over verse 7 - "And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus."  I realized that these words are contradictory to how I typically think about peace.

I've always considered peace to be a state of being. I've never thought of peace as an active, action word. Yet this verse clearly states that the peace of God will guard our hearts and minds. Immediately the image of a sentinel forms in my mind; a guard on a castle wall armed and alert, watching the enemy lines for signs of movement. Smoke rises all around, and the drums of war beat a threatening rhythm, shaking the stone wall. After all, we are at war - a spiritual battle that will continue until Christ returns. But this jars with my preconceived notion of peace. Peace is the opposite of war.

But then another image comes to mind - a mountain valley covered in a carpet of lush green grass. Sunshine sparkles on the surface of a lake with a surface as smooth as mirror. My head is cushioned by the silky strands of grass and I stare up at the sky, too blue to be real. And I am perfectly at peace. Because nearby is my shepherd. He leans on his staff as a gentle breeze ruffles the leaves on the trees.

"...And the peace of God...will guard your hearts and minds..."

I cannot reconcile these two images in my mind. How can the peaceful shepherd in the valley protect me against the hordes on the other side of the mountains? Yet how can a soldier on the castle wall, battle-hardened and severe, bring me the peace of the sunlit valley?

"And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding..."

How quickly I forget that our God is not bound by my puny imaginings. Our God is fully just. Fully merciful. Fully Holy. He isn't broken into percentages - 20% mercy, 15% holiness, etc...He is 100% Just. 100% Merciful. 100% Holy.

...the peace of God...

Our God is multi-dimensional. Why wouldn't the peace that comes from Him be that way as well? Peace from the soldier AND peace from the shepherd. When my heart is weary and my soul yearns for rest, may I cry out to the God whose peace surpasses all understanding.

February in Kansas

The cold wind whipped my dress around my knees. There weren’t enough chairs in the tent for everyone. I hugged my sister closer, trying to block the gusts and to remind her she wasn’t alone. I didn’t have to see her face to know that tears were making tracks through her foundation. My throat constricted as the tears that had threatened to spill over all morning finally broke through and I closed my eyes in one final protest. She squeezed my hand. The sniffs and sobs around me further confirmed that we weren’t alone. Yet it’s all too easy to feel incredibly alone in a crowd.

We stood in a grassy field. My heels were sinking into the soft ground, as if trying to drag me down into the despair that grief can so easily bring. The reality of the situation was no longer escapable. There was a hole in the ground, black as my dress, and someone I loved dearly would be placed in it. I opened my eyes and looked around. It was a beautiful day, for February in Kansas. Standing on the hill you could see all around for miles. Snowy white, cotton ball clouds sailed across a sea of blue. I hadn’t seen blue sky for weeks. These sights, which usually filled my soul and lifted my spirits, were wasted on my broken heart.

Pastor’s words were a drone in the background. I can’t tell you what they were exactly, but they were beautiful words, full of hope and life. I shut my eyes and let the words fall, willing them to penetrate the dark corners of my aching heart. I wanted to feel the rejoicing of an eternity begun. The joy of long-awaited reunions. The relief of suffering ended.

Pastor was praying. I bowed my head, but my heart cried out.

And then, the sun burst through the clouds, just for a minute. Like a Kansas sunflower I turned my face towards it, relishing the momentary warmth that washed over me. As soon as it had come, it was gone. Pastor’s prayer had ended. But I was changed. I knew there was rejoicing in eternity. I knew there was overflowing joy and songs of praise. I knew that dancing had replaced suffering.

And my soul would sing again. 

How Are You?

How are you?

How many times a day are we asked this question? It's part of our social norm; you cross paths with someone and ask how they are. It's not a bad thing, but I think we've asked it so much that the question has lost its meaning. We ask and expect the typical answer, "I'm good! How are you?" How often do we ask this question when we actually mean it? 

Lately, it has gotten very difficult for me to answer this question. I don't know how I am. But it breaks social protocol to actually be honest about how I'm doing. Most times, people ask because it's what we're supposed to do, not because they want to know. And while I don't want to be a debby-downer and drag everyone down with me, I would much rather be honest about how I'm feeling.

My heart is breaking. I am worn down. One minute I feel like a chicken running around with its head cut off, and the next I feel I can't take another step through the sludge of this messy life.

I am witnessing someone in my life go through pain that no one should have to bear. My mom, the woman who has been there for me and held me when I am in pain, is now the one hurting, and there's nothing I can do about it.

My Granny is living her final days on this earth. Her body has worn out. I so desperately want her to go home to be in the presence of our Heavenly Father and my Grandad, to not suffer anymore. But I am not ready to say goodbye.

This is not a "woe-is-me" post. This is me being honest about how I'm doing. I don't want to forget that there are people who are suffering much more than I am. I have so much to be thankful for.

My mom's white blood cell counts have finally shown up and are increasing. My sister and I got to visit her for a couple of hours this weekend.

My Granny loves the Lord, and I know I'll see her again. I know she's ready to see my Grandad again, to bask in the warmth of the presence of our God and sing and dance for him.

I have a family and support system that is strong and steady.

I have a Heavenly Father who is my strong fortress and my shelter. I can live each day knowing that when my heart is heavy, when I don't want to take another step, he is my source of strength. 

A Prayer for Courage

How do you face the terror of the unknown?

How do you plan for the life-altering experience you know is coming?

How do you deal with the knowledge that things will never be the same?

How do you keep your terror from overwhelming, overpowering you?

I know the verses about not worrying, I know we are commanded not to fear. I know these things in my head, but it's another matter entirely for that knowledge to penetrate the thick, sticky smog of fear and uncertainty.

I know my God does not, will not leave me. I know my family is not walking through this trial alone.

None the less, it feels very, very lonely.
My Bible can't wrap strong arms around me and hold me tight in the quiet hours of sleepless nights. It sits on my lap, and doesn't reply when I beg for answers to my questions. I know my God is near, but He feels very far away.

So I'll keep wandering, stumbling through the smog, praying for peace, praying for courage.

The 25th Year

Well. It's happened. Or it's about to, I guess.

Why does no one write songs about being 25? Maybe because it's hard to sum up everything that's going on in life at this stage. You've moved on from the high school crushes and the college adventures, but you don't necessarily have enough life under your belt to look back and reminisce about the years long ago.

It's just kind of an awkward stage. I mean, I feel awkward, but maybe that's just me. And I think the only person who can get away with singing a song about being awkward is Taylor Swift...and I definitely don't have her song-writing skills, so I won't even attempt it.

I have a very vivid memory of a conversation I had with a gal a year or so ago. She's a few years younger than me, and we were talking about relationships and she said, "I don't know what I'll do if I'm  not married when I turn 25." I was 23 at the time, and had nothing to say in response, because at that point, unless a man walked into my bedroom at that exact moment and professed his undying love for me, it was looking pretty certain that I would not be married by the time I turned 25 years old. But secretly, I felt the same way she did.

What was going to happen to me if I turned 25 and still wasn't married? Surely the world would stop turning, the stars would fall out of the sky, and life as we knew it would end? It sure felt that way. 98% of my closest friends were already married at this point, and I very much felt like I missed the train and was now desperately trying to catch up. Things weren't going according to plan. I was supposed to be married by 21 (22 at the latest), I wanted to wait a couple of years before having kids, and then have three or four kids all before I turned 30 (because everyone knows it's impossible to get pregnant and have babies after you turn 30.) *rolls eyes* As silly and pathetic as it sounds, that was very much my internal dialog...or I guess it was more of a monolog. This was my life. Praying and waiting for God to bring my man in through the door.

I don't want this to turn into a "Single and Proud" blog post. There are plenty of those out there already, and better written than mine. My point is, I'm about to turn 25, and I don't even have a boyfriend, let alone husband. I mean, there isn't even anyone on the radar. And last I checked, the earth was still spinning along, and the stars are floating quite happily in space. What??? You mean my life can go on? You mean my happiness isn't dependent on a relationship?

It has taken me practically my whole life to get to the point where I could be honest with myself about this. I've known my whole life I want to be married. I want to find someone to spend the rest of my life with, bringing each other closer to God. I've never allowed myself to even consider the possibility that it may not be in God's plan for me to be married. My heart would close off if that thought ever came close to the surface. I couldn't admit it. It was terrifying. What was my purpose in life going to be if I didn't get married? This is what my heart desires! Why wouldn't God give it to me?

Contrary to what I've been told, and led to believe, there isn't a verse in the Bible that says "Kaylee Marie Troyer is going to get married because I have someone special set aside for her." There is no promise of the kind in God's Word. Just in the last year have I finally been able to think about the possibility that I won't ever get married. It still scares me, BUT, it has finally sunk into my head and heart that I may serve God's kingdom in a different way from 98% of the people around me.

And it's okay.

Because if I'm truly honest with myself, it's my choice that I am not married right now. Looking back over the past few years, there is at least once, but maybe twice, when I made a conscious choice that led me away from marriage. If I had made a different decision, I probably would be married, and wouldn't be typing up this post. That realization has helped me a lot. I don't want to argue theology, but I believe that God has given us free will within his great plan. He can use our decisions and actions to accomplish his purpose, because he is God. It finally clicked for me, that it was my choices, and not God withholding something from me that was keeping me single. This was so freeing. I realized that I had been harboring resentment against God for making me wait for something that I desired. It was incredibly humbling to recognize that what I had been clinging to was so wrong. How dare I feel that way towards a God who desires the best for me, who has blessed me so far beyond what I deserve?

I am coming to a greater understanding of who I am in God, and what he desires for me. It doesn't change the desires of my heart, but he has opened my eyes to see the ways I can be used for his purposes that others can't. Me, Kaylee, 25, single, working, introverted, book and movie loving nerd who sings all the time, I have a purpose that is independent of my marital status or age. I am no less of an adult, no less of a Christian, no less of a friend because of any of this.

The 25 I am about to be looks much different from what I thought and wanted. But it's okay. I don't want to be held back by wishes and should-have-beens. I want to make intentional choices. This is my life, and I am blessed beyond measure. God has done a lot of shaping and molding in these past 25 years. Who knows what the next 25 will look like?