My heart is grieving - mourning life lost, life wasted, life taken, life thrown away.
The Creator of the earth and sky, the sea below and the stars above, all good things...He breathed life into man.
"Then the LORD God formed the man of dust from the ground and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life, and the man became a living creature." Genesis 2:7
By this we are set apart. His breath gave us life, not just physically, but spiritually.
And then the hissed lies of a serpent in the shadows caught our attention, turned our head. We threw away the gift of life that filled our lungs, permeated our very being. We decided we wanted to play with the box the gift came in, instead of the gift itself. And still you loved us.
You loved us enough to sacrifice your son as a lamb to be slaughtered. Life was cruelly, brutally, mercilessly stripped and drained from him. Yet this was only temporary. Love rose again in defeat of death. Life was renewed, and once again we were given the gift of life for your glory.
"I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd lays down his life for his sheep." John 10:11
But today that gift is trampled on, spat upon, taken for granted, treated with disdain. This delicate and fragile thing that is life, is mocked and degraded. Some take the lives of others, some take their own lives. Some waste the life they've been given, some abuse it.
My heart is broken for the lives lost, taken, abused, destroyed, mutilated, cheapened, imprisoned.
LORD, forgive us our sins.
On the surface, our world appears to greatly value life. We spend countless hours and obscene amounts of money in desperate efforts to extend life. Yet, life is only worth extending if it is deemed "healthy" or "happy" by society. Anything falling outside those qualifications isn't worth saving. We abort babies with down's syndrome. We are told that after a certain advanced age, when the mind isn't as supple and the body isn't as agile, that it would just be better to die so as not to be a burden. We applaud those who have the "courage" to take their own lives so as to avoid or escape suffering. We glamorize mass murderers while their victims get tossed aside like banana peels. How can our world be so confused, so backwards, so contrary to itself? Why is a pain-free life the only life worth living?
My heart aches for the lost, for those who have been lied to and bought into the lie, for those whose lives have been ended because they didn't pass society's quality assurance test. But should I be surprised? These lies are perpetuated by those who don't have the truth. They either haven't heard it, or are ignoring it, but they don't have it. It should be no great shock that these lies spread like wildfire through the uninformed masses who are consumed by it like a forest that hasn't seen rain for years. On some level, it must make sense that a life of pain or discomfort isn't worth living. When illness consumes, when circumstances overwhelm, why prolong the agony? But that cuts to the heart of the issue. It's selfish. Thoughts and actions like that are selfish to the core. You cannot possibly know the impact or influence your life will have on those around you. You don't know how your difficult situation or suffering may shape someone who crosses your path. Not to mention how such situations shape ourselves. When is the last time your grew as a person when your life was peachy and carefree? I look back on my life and see that true growth as a person happened during the trials. Of course it was difficult. Of course I prayed for an end to the discomfort and suffering. There are times in my life I wish never to repeat, situations you couldn't pay me to endure again. But I am so thankful for how I was stretched, grown, matured, during those trials.
My body, my very core aches with a longing for the peace, healing, and wholeness in heaven. Eternal, unbroken life in the presence of my Father. But it is not for me to decide when and how that happens. In our world of test tubes and artificial preservatives we attempt and presume to play god. How dare we. We see our capabilities in preserving life, so we assume we should have the same power to end it whenever and however we wish. After all, "It's MY body. Who are YOU to tell me how to manage MY body?" We forget that our lives are not our own.
Heavenly Father, forgive us for the callous attitude and ever decreasing value we give to your gift of life. What a precious gift it is. Help us to maintain an attitude of thankfulness for the lives we've been given. We have life while millions of others have been denied it. I pray for hearts overflowing and lives LIVED with gratitude.
Don't live life in fear of pain and discomfort. How much richer would life be if we learned to find the good in all situations instead of simply avoiding what hurts? A life with pain is worth living THAT much more. Live it for all it's worth.
Thursday, October 9, 2014
Friday, August 22, 2014
An Open Conversation
Those of you who enjoy the music of Gungor (Beautiful Things) may have seen the recent flurry of drama surrounding them, after World Magazine wrote this article about Michael Gungor's views on the interpretation of the book of Genesis, found on their web site, here.
This post is not about discussing whether or not I agree with Michael Gungor. This post is not about condemning or praising him. This post is about encouraging some introspection.
In the aftermath of Gungor's views being highly publicized, they have had concerts canceled, music pulled from shelves, and hateful remarks flung at them. I have seen and read articles on both sides of the fence, most condemning, some praising. But do you know what I haven't seen much of?
A conversation.
I scroll to the bottom of these online articles and see peoplediscussing bickering back and forth over these issues. Oh hold on, this person just switched to CAPS Lock, things are getting serious now! Everyone has to be right. Everyone has to have the last word. Everyone has a scripture verse to support their "holier than thou" point. It makes me sick to see, because it's not helpful or edifying in any way.
We are so quick to immediately conclude that someone is either right or wrong. We are unwilling to even entertain the thought of simply having a conversation about the topic. It's a phenomenon that I've witnessed before in Christian communities. The instant that someone expresses an opinion that doesn't jive with what we've come to accept as truth, our defenses go up and we immediately close the door on an opportunity to discuss it.
Because it's scary to discuss something that could change the way we think and live our lives. It's so much easier and safer to protect our little bubble of "what we think we know" and keep everything else at arm's length while firing off thoughtless accusations. Yet, in our mad scramble to protect, we don't think about the potential damage we're causing. Damage to our witness, damage to the other person attempting to start a conversation, damage to ourselves.
What must non-believers think when they see this kind of arguing going on?
Instead of showing God's love to those around us, we're screaming at each other through our screens. Non-believers see nothing different from what they find on any other web site. Why on earth would anyone on the outside see any incentive to engage in that? They can get the same kind of "discussion" everywhere else, and without the "annoying" Bible verses sprinkled in. Engaging in this kind of petty back and forth does so much more harm than good. In fact, I can't see that it does ANY good. Sorry to break it to you, but your online rant is not going to change anyone's mind. It's just going to make everyone mad.
Is your faith so fragile that it cannot withstand any kind of questioning?
Are we so afraid of having our world view, our walk of faith changed, that we alienate those with genuine questions and concerns, those with real knowledge that could expand your view of God? Are we so insecure in our own knowledge and ability that we refuse any opportunity to defend our faith? Are we so self-sufficient that we don't ask the Holy Spirit to give us the words to say?
This is not a new problem, not by any stretch of the imagination. But I guess that's what's so discouraging. We don't seem to have learned from our past mistakes.
Instead we've become even more entrenched in our views, convinced that we and we alone have the only right answer. And to a certain extent that is true. We should be able to agree on the salvation issues, and those are hills to die on. But so many of the arguments circulating are about non-salvation issues.
Remember when people thought that the Earth was the center of the universe? And then Copernicus suggested that actually the Sun was the center of the universe and that all other bodies rotated around it? Who shut him down? Yeah, the church. Based on their interpretation of scripture, they declared the Earth to be the center and anyone who thought differently was a heretic, even though your salvation isn't dependent on which celestial body moves around the other.
And then, turns out, the church was wrong. *Gasp* Turns out that the passages of scripture they based their belief on were less literal and more figurative. And as we expanded our knowledge of the universe and our world, we came to understand that. As crazy as it sounds, science and Christianity DO NOT have to be at odds. But that's a post for another time.
The point is, it is arrogant to assume that we have perfectly interpreted the Bible. Please understand me. I am not questioning the validity or authenticity of God's Word. I believe that it IS God's word, God breathed and inspired. Yet, it is being interpreted by humans, and as I must remind you, humans are flawed. It is entirely possible that there are pieces of Scripture, like the book of Genesis, that we have interpreted incorrectly or have a flawed understanding of.
We have to be willing to have open and honest discussions about this. We cannot continue this damaging habit of immediately tearing down anyone who raises a valid question. We MUST stop declaring that so-and-so isn't a Christian because they believe the earth is older than 6,000 years, or because they differ on some other NON-salvation issue. The ability to allow and participate in these conversations can, in turn, strengthen your ability to have civil conversations with someone who believes differently from you (an essential for ALL Christians). You may not change anyone's mind, and they may not change your views, in which case you will have learned how to skillfully but respectfully defend your beliefs.
But, WHAT IF it opens your eyes and heart to new views and ways of seeing God? In my case, it has done nothing but strengthen my faith and increase my awe, respect, and love for God. We must be willing to converse.
Only an open and honest conversation can spread God's light and love to those around us. So the next time someone expresses an opinion that is different from yours, instead of getting your undies in a bunch and slamming the door in their face, swallow your fear and pride, take a deep breath, say a quick prayer for words to speak, and engage them in a conversation. Listen respectfully to what they have to say and go from there. It doesn't have to get heated or angry. You may have to agree to disagree, but how many future doors and opportunities may be opened by one talk? You don't know until you try.
This post is not about discussing whether or not I agree with Michael Gungor. This post is not about condemning or praising him. This post is about encouraging some introspection.
In the aftermath of Gungor's views being highly publicized, they have had concerts canceled, music pulled from shelves, and hateful remarks flung at them. I have seen and read articles on both sides of the fence, most condemning, some praising. But do you know what I haven't seen much of?
A conversation.
I scroll to the bottom of these online articles and see people
We are so quick to immediately conclude that someone is either right or wrong. We are unwilling to even entertain the thought of simply having a conversation about the topic. It's a phenomenon that I've witnessed before in Christian communities. The instant that someone expresses an opinion that doesn't jive with what we've come to accept as truth, our defenses go up and we immediately close the door on an opportunity to discuss it.
Because it's scary to discuss something that could change the way we think and live our lives. It's so much easier and safer to protect our little bubble of "what we think we know" and keep everything else at arm's length while firing off thoughtless accusations. Yet, in our mad scramble to protect, we don't think about the potential damage we're causing. Damage to our witness, damage to the other person attempting to start a conversation, damage to ourselves.
What must non-believers think when they see this kind of arguing going on?
Instead of showing God's love to those around us, we're screaming at each other through our screens. Non-believers see nothing different from what they find on any other web site. Why on earth would anyone on the outside see any incentive to engage in that? They can get the same kind of "discussion" everywhere else, and without the "annoying" Bible verses sprinkled in. Engaging in this kind of petty back and forth does so much more harm than good. In fact, I can't see that it does ANY good. Sorry to break it to you, but your online rant is not going to change anyone's mind. It's just going to make everyone mad.
Is your faith so fragile that it cannot withstand any kind of questioning?
Are we so afraid of having our world view, our walk of faith changed, that we alienate those with genuine questions and concerns, those with real knowledge that could expand your view of God? Are we so insecure in our own knowledge and ability that we refuse any opportunity to defend our faith? Are we so self-sufficient that we don't ask the Holy Spirit to give us the words to say?
This is not a new problem, not by any stretch of the imagination. But I guess that's what's so discouraging. We don't seem to have learned from our past mistakes.
Instead we've become even more entrenched in our views, convinced that we and we alone have the only right answer. And to a certain extent that is true. We should be able to agree on the salvation issues, and those are hills to die on. But so many of the arguments circulating are about non-salvation issues.
Remember when people thought that the Earth was the center of the universe? And then Copernicus suggested that actually the Sun was the center of the universe and that all other bodies rotated around it? Who shut him down? Yeah, the church. Based on their interpretation of scripture, they declared the Earth to be the center and anyone who thought differently was a heretic, even though your salvation isn't dependent on which celestial body moves around the other.
And then, turns out, the church was wrong. *Gasp* Turns out that the passages of scripture they based their belief on were less literal and more figurative. And as we expanded our knowledge of the universe and our world, we came to understand that. As crazy as it sounds, science and Christianity DO NOT have to be at odds. But that's a post for another time.
The point is, it is arrogant to assume that we have perfectly interpreted the Bible. Please understand me. I am not questioning the validity or authenticity of God's Word. I believe that it IS God's word, God breathed and inspired. Yet, it is being interpreted by humans, and as I must remind you, humans are flawed. It is entirely possible that there are pieces of Scripture, like the book of Genesis, that we have interpreted incorrectly or have a flawed understanding of.
We have to be willing to have open and honest discussions about this. We cannot continue this damaging habit of immediately tearing down anyone who raises a valid question. We MUST stop declaring that so-and-so isn't a Christian because they believe the earth is older than 6,000 years, or because they differ on some other NON-salvation issue. The ability to allow and participate in these conversations can, in turn, strengthen your ability to have civil conversations with someone who believes differently from you (an essential for ALL Christians). You may not change anyone's mind, and they may not change your views, in which case you will have learned how to skillfully but respectfully defend your beliefs.
But, WHAT IF it opens your eyes and heart to new views and ways of seeing God? In my case, it has done nothing but strengthen my faith and increase my awe, respect, and love for God. We must be willing to converse.
Only an open and honest conversation can spread God's light and love to those around us. So the next time someone expresses an opinion that is different from yours, instead of getting your undies in a bunch and slamming the door in their face, swallow your fear and pride, take a deep breath, say a quick prayer for words to speak, and engage them in a conversation. Listen respectfully to what they have to say and go from there. It doesn't have to get heated or angry. You may have to agree to disagree, but how many future doors and opportunities may be opened by one talk? You don't know until you try.
Tuesday, August 12, 2014
Mourning What Matters
Today America is mourning the loss of a man. He was talented, he was entertaining, he contributed to our culture. It is incredibly sad that he reached a point in his life where he felt he had no other options. And so Americans post videos and pictures and moving tributes, shedding tears for someone that most of them have never met.
Meanwhile, where are the tears shed or the tributes written for the hundreds of women and children being slaughtered in Iraq? Where is their memorial service, their touching video or slideshow in remembrance of their lives? Will no one take a moment to mourn for the needless, senseless, horrific loss of innocent life?
"Oh, but wait!" you say. "I posted on Twitter about that social justice issue and used the corresponding hashtag! I care!" If that's all the "care" you can muster, then it's no wonder atrocities like the mass murders in Iraq continue.
We have gotten lazy. In a world where information is literally at our fingertips 24/7, we've become inundated with viral cat videos and the latest Buzzfeed quiz. And while we can spare ten minutes to take a quiz about which vegetable we would be if we were produce, we can't be bothered to get educated on the genocides happening around the world, the corruption, the terror.
And believe me, I get it, this stuff is depressing. Watching the news for ten minutes is enough to put a damper on anyone's mood. And so you say, "It's depressing. And I can't do anything about the terrorists in Iraq anyway. My being informed doesn't save the lives of Christians being murdered for their beliefs." If being informed isn't going to help people, then I can guarantee you that watching yet another cover of a song from Frozen isn't going to help either.
I'm not here to take a political stance. I don't mean to be a downer. I'm not even here to place a guilt trip. It just breaks my heart that men, women, and children, who have done nothing wrong but are just living their lives, are being slaughtered, and we can't be bothered to really, truly care. But if a Hollywood legend dies then stop the presses! If there is to be any hope for change, we have to start with educating ourselves. I try to stay informed, and many times still feel helpless to do anything about the suffering happening around us.
And yet when it seems there's nothing else I can do, I am reminded that we are not helpless. In fact, we have one of the greatest tools in existence at our disposal.
Prayer.
I am reminded that we serve a sovereign God, a God who holds the world in His hands, who loves and cherishes His people. I cannot reach out across the globe and draw those in danger into my home. But God can draw them to His side. And so I pray. Because I'm informed, I know who to pray for and how to pray for them.
So this week I encourage you to brace yourself, and take some time to read. Find reputable sources (that means NOT Facebook or Twitter) and learn about the terrible, terrible things happening in the Middle East. And then pray.
Meanwhile, where are the tears shed or the tributes written for the hundreds of women and children being slaughtered in Iraq? Where is their memorial service, their touching video or slideshow in remembrance of their lives? Will no one take a moment to mourn for the needless, senseless, horrific loss of innocent life?
"Oh, but wait!" you say. "I posted on Twitter about that social justice issue and used the corresponding hashtag! I care!" If that's all the "care" you can muster, then it's no wonder atrocities like the mass murders in Iraq continue.
We have gotten lazy. In a world where information is literally at our fingertips 24/7, we've become inundated with viral cat videos and the latest Buzzfeed quiz. And while we can spare ten minutes to take a quiz about which vegetable we would be if we were produce, we can't be bothered to get educated on the genocides happening around the world, the corruption, the terror.
And believe me, I get it, this stuff is depressing. Watching the news for ten minutes is enough to put a damper on anyone's mood. And so you say, "It's depressing. And I can't do anything about the terrorists in Iraq anyway. My being informed doesn't save the lives of Christians being murdered for their beliefs." If being informed isn't going to help people, then I can guarantee you that watching yet another cover of a song from Frozen isn't going to help either.
I'm not here to take a political stance. I don't mean to be a downer. I'm not even here to place a guilt trip. It just breaks my heart that men, women, and children, who have done nothing wrong but are just living their lives, are being slaughtered, and we can't be bothered to really, truly care. But if a Hollywood legend dies then stop the presses! If there is to be any hope for change, we have to start with educating ourselves. I try to stay informed, and many times still feel helpless to do anything about the suffering happening around us.
And yet when it seems there's nothing else I can do, I am reminded that we are not helpless. In fact, we have one of the greatest tools in existence at our disposal.
Prayer.
I am reminded that we serve a sovereign God, a God who holds the world in His hands, who loves and cherishes His people. I cannot reach out across the globe and draw those in danger into my home. But God can draw them to His side. And so I pray. Because I'm informed, I know who to pray for and how to pray for them.
So this week I encourage you to brace yourself, and take some time to read. Find reputable sources (that means NOT Facebook or Twitter) and learn about the terrible, terrible things happening in the Middle East. And then pray.
Tuesday, April 29, 2014
Multi-Dimensional Peace
Philippians 4:6-7
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus."
These are oft quoted verses. And for good reason. They serve as a reminder of God's sovereignty, that we should take our fears and worries and lay them before Him. They are a promise of peace.
But as I read these verses this week, I paused over verse 7 - "And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus." I realized that these words are contradictory to how I typically think about peace.
I've always considered peace to be a state of being. I've never thought of peace as an active, action word. Yet this verse clearly states that the peace of God will guard our hearts and minds. Immediately the image of a sentinel forms in my mind; a guard on a castle wall armed and alert, watching the enemy lines for signs of movement. Smoke rises all around, and the drums of war beat a threatening rhythm, shaking the stone wall. After all, we are at war - a spiritual battle that will continue until Christ returns. But this jars with my preconceived notion of peace. Peace is the opposite of war.
But then another image comes to mind - a mountain valley covered in a carpet of lush green grass. Sunshine sparkles on the surface of a lake with a surface as smooth as mirror. My head is cushioned by the silky strands of grass and I stare up at the sky, too blue to be real. And I am perfectly at peace. Because nearby is my shepherd. He leans on his staff as a gentle breeze ruffles the leaves on the trees.
"...And the peace of God...will guard your hearts and minds..."
I cannot reconcile these two images in my mind. How can the peaceful shepherd in the valley protect me against the hordes on the other side of the mountains? Yet how can a soldier on the castle wall, battle-hardened and severe, bring me the peace of the sunlit valley?
"And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding..."
How quickly I forget that our God is not bound by my puny imaginings. Our God is fully just. Fully merciful. Fully Holy. He isn't broken into percentages - 20% mercy, 15% holiness, etc...He is 100% Just. 100% Merciful. 100% Holy.
...the peace of God...
Our God is multi-dimensional. Why wouldn't the peace that comes from Him be that way as well? Peace from the soldier AND peace from the shepherd. When my heart is weary and my soul yearns for rest, may I cry out to the God whose peace surpasses all understanding.
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus."
These are oft quoted verses. And for good reason. They serve as a reminder of God's sovereignty, that we should take our fears and worries and lay them before Him. They are a promise of peace.
But as I read these verses this week, I paused over verse 7 - "And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus." I realized that these words are contradictory to how I typically think about peace.
I've always considered peace to be a state of being. I've never thought of peace as an active, action word. Yet this verse clearly states that the peace of God will guard our hearts and minds. Immediately the image of a sentinel forms in my mind; a guard on a castle wall armed and alert, watching the enemy lines for signs of movement. Smoke rises all around, and the drums of war beat a threatening rhythm, shaking the stone wall. After all, we are at war - a spiritual battle that will continue until Christ returns. But this jars with my preconceived notion of peace. Peace is the opposite of war.
But then another image comes to mind - a mountain valley covered in a carpet of lush green grass. Sunshine sparkles on the surface of a lake with a surface as smooth as mirror. My head is cushioned by the silky strands of grass and I stare up at the sky, too blue to be real. And I am perfectly at peace. Because nearby is my shepherd. He leans on his staff as a gentle breeze ruffles the leaves on the trees.
"...And the peace of God...will guard your hearts and minds..."
I cannot reconcile these two images in my mind. How can the peaceful shepherd in the valley protect me against the hordes on the other side of the mountains? Yet how can a soldier on the castle wall, battle-hardened and severe, bring me the peace of the sunlit valley?
"And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding..."
How quickly I forget that our God is not bound by my puny imaginings. Our God is fully just. Fully merciful. Fully Holy. He isn't broken into percentages - 20% mercy, 15% holiness, etc...He is 100% Just. 100% Merciful. 100% Holy.
...the peace of God...
Our God is multi-dimensional. Why wouldn't the peace that comes from Him be that way as well? Peace from the soldier AND peace from the shepherd. When my heart is weary and my soul yearns for rest, may I cry out to the God whose peace surpasses all understanding.
Friday, February 21, 2014
February in Kansas
The cold wind whipped my dress around my knees. There weren’t
enough chairs in the tent for everyone. I hugged my sister closer, trying to
block the gusts and to remind her she wasn’t alone. I didn’t
have to see her face to know that tears were making tracks through her
foundation. My throat constricted as the tears that had threatened to spill
over all morning finally broke through and I closed my eyes in one final
protest. She squeezed my hand. The sniffs and sobs around me further confirmed
that we weren’t alone. Yet it’s
all too easy to feel incredibly alone in a crowd.
We stood in a grassy field. My heels were sinking into the
soft ground, as if trying to drag me down into the despair that grief can so
easily bring. The reality of the situation was no longer escapable. There was a
hole in the ground, black as my dress, and someone I loved dearly would be
placed in it. I opened my eyes and looked around. It was a beautiful day, for
February in Kansas. Standing on the hill you could see all around for miles.
Snowy white, cotton ball clouds sailed across a sea of blue. I hadn’t
seen blue sky for weeks. These sights, which usually filled my soul and lifted
my spirits, were wasted on my broken heart.
Pastor’s words were a drone in the
background. I can’t tell you what they were
exactly, but they were beautiful words, full of hope and life. I shut my eyes
and let the words fall, willing them to penetrate the dark corners of my aching
heart. I wanted to feel the rejoicing of an eternity begun. The joy of
long-awaited reunions. The relief of suffering ended.
Pastor was praying. I bowed my head, but my heart cried out.
And then, the sun burst through the clouds, just for a
minute. Like a Kansas sunflower I turned my face towards it, relishing the
momentary warmth that washed over me. As soon as it had come, it was gone. Pastor’s
prayer had ended. But I was changed. I knew there was rejoicing in eternity. I
knew there was overflowing joy and songs of praise. I knew that dancing had
replaced suffering.
And my soul would sing again.
Tuesday, February 4, 2014
How Are You?
How are you?
How many times a day are we asked this question? It's part of our social norm; you cross paths with someone and ask how they are. It's not a bad thing, but I think we've asked it so much that the question has lost its meaning. We ask and expect the typical answer, "I'm good! How are you?" How often do we ask this question when we actually mean it?
Lately, it has gotten very difficult for me to answer this question. I don't know how I am. But it breaks social protocol to actually be honest about how I'm doing. Most times, people ask because it's what we're supposed to do, not because they want to know. And while I don't want to be a debby-downer and drag everyone down with me, I would much rather be honest about how I'm feeling.
My heart is breaking. I am worn down. One minute I feel like a chicken running around with its head cut off, and the next I feel I can't take another step through the sludge of this messy life.
I am witnessing someone in my life go through pain that no one should have to bear. My mom, the woman who has been there for me and held me when I am in pain, is now the one hurting, and there's nothing I can do about it.
My Granny is living her final days on this earth. Her body has worn out. I so desperately want her to go home to be in the presence of our Heavenly Father and my Grandad, to not suffer anymore. But I am not ready to say goodbye.
This is not a "woe-is-me" post. This is me being honest about how I'm doing. I don't want to forget that there are people who are suffering much more than I am. I have so much to be thankful for.
My mom's white blood cell counts have finally shown up and are increasing. My sister and I got to visit her for a couple of hours this weekend.
My Granny loves the Lord, and I know I'll see her again. I know she's ready to see my Grandad again, to bask in the warmth of the presence of our God and sing and dance for him.
I have a family and support system that is strong and steady.
I have a Heavenly Father who is my strong fortress and my shelter. I can live each day knowing that when my heart is heavy, when I don't want to take another step, he is my source of strength.
My heart is breaking. I am worn down. One minute I feel like a chicken running around with its head cut off, and the next I feel I can't take another step through the sludge of this messy life.
I am witnessing someone in my life go through pain that no one should have to bear. My mom, the woman who has been there for me and held me when I am in pain, is now the one hurting, and there's nothing I can do about it.
My Granny is living her final days on this earth. Her body has worn out. I so desperately want her to go home to be in the presence of our Heavenly Father and my Grandad, to not suffer anymore. But I am not ready to say goodbye.
This is not a "woe-is-me" post. This is me being honest about how I'm doing. I don't want to forget that there are people who are suffering much more than I am. I have so much to be thankful for.
My mom's white blood cell counts have finally shown up and are increasing. My sister and I got to visit her for a couple of hours this weekend.
My Granny loves the Lord, and I know I'll see her again. I know she's ready to see my Grandad again, to bask in the warmth of the presence of our God and sing and dance for him.
I have a family and support system that is strong and steady.
I have a Heavenly Father who is my strong fortress and my shelter. I can live each day knowing that when my heart is heavy, when I don't want to take another step, he is my source of strength.
Wednesday, December 18, 2013
A Prayer for Courage
How do you face the terror of the unknown?
How do you plan for the life-altering experience you know is coming?
How do you deal with the knowledge that things will never be the same?
How do you keep your terror from overwhelming, overpowering you?
I know the verses about not worrying, I know we are commanded not to fear. I know these things in my head, but it's another matter entirely for that knowledge to penetrate the thick, sticky smog of fear and uncertainty.
I know my God does not, will not leave me. I know my family is not walking through this trial alone.
None the less, it feels very, very lonely.
My Bible can't wrap strong arms around me and hold me tight in the quiet hours of sleepless nights. It sits on my lap, and doesn't reply when I beg for answers to my questions. I know my God is near, but He feels very far away.
So I'll keep wandering, stumbling through the smog, praying for peace, praying for courage.
How do you plan for the life-altering experience you know is coming?
How do you deal with the knowledge that things will never be the same?
How do you keep your terror from overwhelming, overpowering you?
I know the verses about not worrying, I know we are commanded not to fear. I know these things in my head, but it's another matter entirely for that knowledge to penetrate the thick, sticky smog of fear and uncertainty.
I know my God does not, will not leave me. I know my family is not walking through this trial alone.
None the less, it feels very, very lonely.
My Bible can't wrap strong arms around me and hold me tight in the quiet hours of sleepless nights. It sits on my lap, and doesn't reply when I beg for answers to my questions. I know my God is near, but He feels very far away.
So I'll keep wandering, stumbling through the smog, praying for peace, praying for courage.
Thursday, December 5, 2013
The 25th Year
Well. It's happened. Or it's about to, I guess.
Why does no one write songs about being 25? Maybe because it's hard to sum up everything that's going on in life at this stage. You've moved on from the high school crushes and the college adventures, but you don't necessarily have enough life under your belt to look back and reminisce about the years long ago.
It's just kind of an awkward stage. I mean, I feel awkward, but maybe that's just me. And I think the only person who can get away with singing a song about being awkward is Taylor Swift...and I definitely don't have her song-writing skills, so I won't even attempt it.
I have a very vivid memory of a conversation I had with a gal a year or so ago. She's a few years younger than me, and we were talking about relationships and she said, "I don't know what I'll do if I'm not married when I turn 25." I was 23 at the time, and had nothing to say in response, because at that point, unless a man walked into my bedroom at that exact moment and professed his undying love for me, it was looking pretty certain that I would not be married by the time I turned 25 years old. But secretly, I felt the same way she did.
What was going to happen to me if I turned 25 and still wasn't married? Surely the world would stop turning, the stars would fall out of the sky, and life as we knew it would end? It sure felt that way. 98% of my closest friends were already married at this point, and I very much felt like I missed the train and was now desperately trying to catch up. Things weren't going according to plan. I was supposed to be married by 21 (22 at the latest), I wanted to wait a couple of years before having kids, and then have three or four kids all before I turned 30 (because everyone knows it's impossible to get pregnant and have babies after you turn 30.) *rolls eyes* As silly and pathetic as it sounds, that was very much my internal dialog...or I guess it was more of a monolog. This was my life. Praying and waiting for God to bring my man in through the door.
I don't want this to turn into a "Single and Proud" blog post. There are plenty of those out there already, and better written than mine. My point is, I'm about to turn 25, and I don't even have a boyfriend, let alone husband. I mean, there isn't even anyone on the radar. And last I checked, the earth was still spinning along, and the stars are floating quite happily in space. What??? You mean my life can go on? You mean my happiness isn't dependent on a relationship?
It has taken me practically my whole life to get to the point where I could be honest with myself about this. I've known my whole life I want to be married. I want to find someone to spend the rest of my life with, bringing each other closer to God. I've never allowed myself to even consider the possibility that it may not be in God's plan for me to be married. My heart would close off if that thought ever came close to the surface. I couldn't admit it. It was terrifying. What was my purpose in life going to be if I didn't get married? This is what my heart desires! Why wouldn't God give it to me?
Contrary to what I've been told, and led to believe, there isn't a verse in the Bible that says "Kaylee Marie Troyer is going to get married because I have someone special set aside for her." There is no promise of the kind in God's Word. Just in the last year have I finally been able to think about the possibility that I won't ever get married. It still scares me, BUT, it has finally sunk into my head and heart that I may serve God's kingdom in a different way from 98% of the people around me.
And it's okay.
Because if I'm truly honest with myself, it's my choice that I am not married right now. Looking back over the past few years, there is at least once, but maybe twice, when I made a conscious choice that led me away from marriage. If I had made a different decision, I probably would be married, and wouldn't be typing up this post. That realization has helped me a lot. I don't want to argue theology, but I believe that God has given us free will within his great plan. He can use our decisions and actions to accomplish his purpose, because he is God. It finally clicked for me, that it was my choices, and not God withholding something from me that was keeping me single. This was so freeing. I realized that I had been harboring resentment against God for making me wait for something that I desired. It was incredibly humbling to recognize that what I had been clinging to was so wrong. How dare I feel that way towards a God who desires the best for me, who has blessed me so far beyond what I deserve?
I am coming to a greater understanding of who I am in God, and what he desires for me. It doesn't change the desires of my heart, but he has opened my eyes to see the ways I can be used for his purposes that others can't. Me, Kaylee, 25, single, working, introverted, book and movie loving nerd who sings all the time, I have a purpose that is independent of my marital status or age. I am no less of an adult, no less of a Christian, no less of a friend because of any of this.
The 25 I am about to be looks much different from what I thought and wanted. But it's okay. I don't want to be held back by wishes and should-have-beens. I want to make intentional choices. This is my life, and I am blessed beyond measure. God has done a lot of shaping and molding in these past 25 years. Who knows what the next 25 will look like?
Why does no one write songs about being 25? Maybe because it's hard to sum up everything that's going on in life at this stage. You've moved on from the high school crushes and the college adventures, but you don't necessarily have enough life under your belt to look back and reminisce about the years long ago.
It's just kind of an awkward stage. I mean, I feel awkward, but maybe that's just me. And I think the only person who can get away with singing a song about being awkward is Taylor Swift...and I definitely don't have her song-writing skills, so I won't even attempt it.
I have a very vivid memory of a conversation I had with a gal a year or so ago. She's a few years younger than me, and we were talking about relationships and she said, "I don't know what I'll do if I'm not married when I turn 25." I was 23 at the time, and had nothing to say in response, because at that point, unless a man walked into my bedroom at that exact moment and professed his undying love for me, it was looking pretty certain that I would not be married by the time I turned 25 years old. But secretly, I felt the same way she did.
What was going to happen to me if I turned 25 and still wasn't married? Surely the world would stop turning, the stars would fall out of the sky, and life as we knew it would end? It sure felt that way. 98% of my closest friends were already married at this point, and I very much felt like I missed the train and was now desperately trying to catch up. Things weren't going according to plan. I was supposed to be married by 21 (22 at the latest), I wanted to wait a couple of years before having kids, and then have three or four kids all before I turned 30 (because everyone knows it's impossible to get pregnant and have babies after you turn 30.) *rolls eyes* As silly and pathetic as it sounds, that was very much my internal dialog...or I guess it was more of a monolog. This was my life. Praying and waiting for God to bring my man in through the door.
I don't want this to turn into a "Single and Proud" blog post. There are plenty of those out there already, and better written than mine. My point is, I'm about to turn 25, and I don't even have a boyfriend, let alone husband. I mean, there isn't even anyone on the radar. And last I checked, the earth was still spinning along, and the stars are floating quite happily in space. What??? You mean my life can go on? You mean my happiness isn't dependent on a relationship?
It has taken me practically my whole life to get to the point where I could be honest with myself about this. I've known my whole life I want to be married. I want to find someone to spend the rest of my life with, bringing each other closer to God. I've never allowed myself to even consider the possibility that it may not be in God's plan for me to be married. My heart would close off if that thought ever came close to the surface. I couldn't admit it. It was terrifying. What was my purpose in life going to be if I didn't get married? This is what my heart desires! Why wouldn't God give it to me?
Contrary to what I've been told, and led to believe, there isn't a verse in the Bible that says "Kaylee Marie Troyer is going to get married because I have someone special set aside for her." There is no promise of the kind in God's Word. Just in the last year have I finally been able to think about the possibility that I won't ever get married. It still scares me, BUT, it has finally sunk into my head and heart that I may serve God's kingdom in a different way from 98% of the people around me.
And it's okay.
Because if I'm truly honest with myself, it's my choice that I am not married right now. Looking back over the past few years, there is at least once, but maybe twice, when I made a conscious choice that led me away from marriage. If I had made a different decision, I probably would be married, and wouldn't be typing up this post. That realization has helped me a lot. I don't want to argue theology, but I believe that God has given us free will within his great plan. He can use our decisions and actions to accomplish his purpose, because he is God. It finally clicked for me, that it was my choices, and not God withholding something from me that was keeping me single. This was so freeing. I realized that I had been harboring resentment against God for making me wait for something that I desired. It was incredibly humbling to recognize that what I had been clinging to was so wrong. How dare I feel that way towards a God who desires the best for me, who has blessed me so far beyond what I deserve?
I am coming to a greater understanding of who I am in God, and what he desires for me. It doesn't change the desires of my heart, but he has opened my eyes to see the ways I can be used for his purposes that others can't. Me, Kaylee, 25, single, working, introverted, book and movie loving nerd who sings all the time, I have a purpose that is independent of my marital status or age. I am no less of an adult, no less of a Christian, no less of a friend because of any of this.
The 25 I am about to be looks much different from what I thought and wanted. But it's okay. I don't want to be held back by wishes and should-have-beens. I want to make intentional choices. This is my life, and I am blessed beyond measure. God has done a lot of shaping and molding in these past 25 years. Who knows what the next 25 will look like?
Thursday, October 3, 2013
A Challenge
I'm going to step onto a soap box - just for a moment. And before you stop reading, no this IS NOT about politics. Although I could go on about that too if I thought adding my opinions to the sticky politics gumbo would help anything. But, that's not what I'm here for, at least this time around :-)
I want to issue a challenge of sorts.
It is unavoidable that a person's perspective on the world will change when something as disruptive and painful as cancer enters into it. An unfortunate side effect of living in today's world, is that pretty much everyone knows someone affected by/diagnosed with cancer. And while cancer is by no means something that should be dealt with lightly, in many ways, it has become that way in our society. Because many of the cancers that are most common are curable, people have come to take that for granted. In addition, these cancers that are most common look, generally, the same - meaning, there's a tumor somewhere in your body, and they will perform some combination of surgery, plus chemotherapy and radiation to remove it and cure you.
Unfortunately, all cancers are not created equal - and this point has been driven home, literally, by the fact that my mom is fighting a cancer that does not fit society's mold, in multiple ways. As a family, we knew this when she got the diagnosis, but it became much more apparent to me as we began the process of trying to explain it to those around us. People listen, but when they hear the word cancer, they automatically assume they know what's involved and what it looks like. People jump to the conclusion that while this is cancer and it's no laughing matter, it'll just take a few rounds of chemo to clear it up and we'll be back to normal. I was no different before my mom's diagnosis, I did the same thing, jumped to the same conclusions.
I also began to take more notice of the events happening around me, the Races for Cures, the fundraisers and auctions...and please please PLEASE understand me, I am not saying that these are unworthy causes, because they are worthy...BUT...it seems to me that as a society we've gotten stuck in a rut.
For example: I see a sign in someone's yard for a Susan G. Comen Race for the Cure and (politics aside) I realize, "Well that's a redundant name, there IS a cure for breast cancer." Again, please understand, I am NOT trying to trivialize or minimize people diagnosed with breast cancer, it's just a good example. Thousands and thousands of women yearly are diagnosed with breast cancer, and it's a terrible, heartbreaking thing. BUT, there is a cure for breast cancer. I am so thankful that there are men and women who have been blessed with the knowledge and skill to develop a cure. And yet how much money is still being poured into these foundations and into research for it, when there are SO many other diseases, not just cancers, that still need cures? AIDs, Alzheimer's, Leukemia...the list goes on. There are foundations, scientists, and doctors who are working to develop cures for these diseases, yet have been unsuccessful for a myriad of reasons. Recognition is one of those main reasons. Society has latched onto a couple diseases and taken up the standard for them, raising awareness and money. But once a cure has been found, shouldn't they move on and take up the flag for the next disease? How much progress could be made in curing the next big disease if more people were reminded or made aware of the fact that there is no cure.
So, this is my challenge to you (at least, the five of you who read my little blog): take some time, and initiative, and do a little research on a disease that maybe you think you know about, but actually may not. A disease that needs a cure. Awareness is KEY in fighting these diseases, and the more people know, the closer we are to a cure. And maybe the next time you give money, or donate to a cause, you'll think about one of those diseases that's fighting on the fringe of society, and you'll realize how much your money or time or whatever it is, could mean.
If you're curious, I can give you a place to start, with the Multiple Myeloma Research Foundation.
I truly do not mean to offend with this post. I'm not trying to start a fight, unless it's a fight to raise more awareness. *steps off of soapbox*
I want to issue a challenge of sorts.
It is unavoidable that a person's perspective on the world will change when something as disruptive and painful as cancer enters into it. An unfortunate side effect of living in today's world, is that pretty much everyone knows someone affected by/diagnosed with cancer. And while cancer is by no means something that should be dealt with lightly, in many ways, it has become that way in our society. Because many of the cancers that are most common are curable, people have come to take that for granted. In addition, these cancers that are most common look, generally, the same - meaning, there's a tumor somewhere in your body, and they will perform some combination of surgery, plus chemotherapy and radiation to remove it and cure you.
Unfortunately, all cancers are not created equal - and this point has been driven home, literally, by the fact that my mom is fighting a cancer that does not fit society's mold, in multiple ways. As a family, we knew this when she got the diagnosis, but it became much more apparent to me as we began the process of trying to explain it to those around us. People listen, but when they hear the word cancer, they automatically assume they know what's involved and what it looks like. People jump to the conclusion that while this is cancer and it's no laughing matter, it'll just take a few rounds of chemo to clear it up and we'll be back to normal. I was no different before my mom's diagnosis, I did the same thing, jumped to the same conclusions.
I also began to take more notice of the events happening around me, the Races for Cures, the fundraisers and auctions...and please please PLEASE understand me, I am not saying that these are unworthy causes, because they are worthy...BUT...it seems to me that as a society we've gotten stuck in a rut.
For example: I see a sign in someone's yard for a Susan G. Comen Race for the Cure and (politics aside) I realize, "Well that's a redundant name, there IS a cure for breast cancer." Again, please understand, I am NOT trying to trivialize or minimize people diagnosed with breast cancer, it's just a good example. Thousands and thousands of women yearly are diagnosed with breast cancer, and it's a terrible, heartbreaking thing. BUT, there is a cure for breast cancer. I am so thankful that there are men and women who have been blessed with the knowledge and skill to develop a cure. And yet how much money is still being poured into these foundations and into research for it, when there are SO many other diseases, not just cancers, that still need cures? AIDs, Alzheimer's, Leukemia...the list goes on. There are foundations, scientists, and doctors who are working to develop cures for these diseases, yet have been unsuccessful for a myriad of reasons. Recognition is one of those main reasons. Society has latched onto a couple diseases and taken up the standard for them, raising awareness and money. But once a cure has been found, shouldn't they move on and take up the flag for the next disease? How much progress could be made in curing the next big disease if more people were reminded or made aware of the fact that there is no cure.
So, this is my challenge to you (at least, the five of you who read my little blog): take some time, and initiative, and do a little research on a disease that maybe you think you know about, but actually may not. A disease that needs a cure. Awareness is KEY in fighting these diseases, and the more people know, the closer we are to a cure. And maybe the next time you give money, or donate to a cause, you'll think about one of those diseases that's fighting on the fringe of society, and you'll realize how much your money or time or whatever it is, could mean.
If you're curious, I can give you a place to start, with the Multiple Myeloma Research Foundation.
I truly do not mean to offend with this post. I'm not trying to start a fight, unless it's a fight to raise more awareness. *steps off of soapbox*
Tuesday, October 1, 2013
The One Where I Quote Movies - Again
I can't sit cross-legged on the floor for longer than half an hour before my knees start hurting.
I can't sleep in later than 8:30, even on a Saturday, no matter how late I was up the night before.
I get excited about picking out paint colors and searching antique stores for that perfect vintage/distressed coffee table or fruit crate.
I have wrinkles on my forehead.
Over the last year or so, these changes have been creeping up on me, making it abundantly clear that time stops for no one - to roughly quote Steel Magnolias "Honey, time marches on, and eventually you realize it's marching across your face." *on a side note: if you haven't seen Steel Magnolias, with Dolly Parton and Shirley Maclaine, WATCH IT! Watch it now, with a box of kleenex and your best friend. You're welcome.*
Anyway, no matter how hard we try, there's nothing we can do to halt the energizer bunny that is time. It keeps going. And going. Bringing with it your birthday, sooner every year. I turn 25 in a few months. Honestly, I'm not dreading it. I'm just baffled at how it came so soon. It seemed so far away at 21. I will soon be on the downhill towards 30, and it seems much closer on the other side of 25.
I don't feel 25. Heck, I don't feel 24! I look at my life and wonder what I've accomplished. A friend asked me just the other night what I thought my greatest accomplishment so far was. I know what my purpose in life is, and I know God is working his purposes through me, but I look around and see what others around me have accomplished with their lives and I wonder if there's more I could be doing. But that's the problem, I'm comparing. Comparison...the thief of joy and contentment.
To quote You've Got Mail *another must-see* "I lead a small life." I have to remind myself that small doesn't automatically mean "without purpose" or "unaccomplished." I have a small sphere of influence, and I do small things within that sphere, and it suits me. I am content, 97% of the time. But then the Enemy sneaks in and turns my head, pointing out my friends who are married with babies, friends getting their Master's degrees, or friends traveling the world, and I start to compare again.
It takes a conscious, daily (sometimes hourly) effort on my part to remember that my life path is different from everyone else's around me, and it's OKAY! Crazy, I know. But I have chosen a different path from my friends. Chosen. (This is a topic for another post!) My choices have affected my life story, and will continue to do so. God will continue to work his purposes through me and my choices. Because no matter the different life paths, everyone in the body of Christ has the same end goal and destination. Everyone's journey is going to look different though. I want to live a good story. I want my story to point to God in every way. I hope it does, I hope I continue to grow in that. But I need to remember that it will point in ways that are different from my friends with snuggly babies and official-sounding Master's degrees.
And at the end of the day, I need to remember that age is truly a number, and though, "I am twenty-four, going on twenty-five" doesn't flow quite as nice as "sixteen going on seventeen," I'm going to find a gazebo to sing and dance in, in the rain, without the cute telegram boy (but definitely with a flowy dress). I have lots of practice singing both parts of a duet, and I don't want to be stopped by the fact that it looks different from everyone's expectations. I'll write my own song.
I can't sleep in later than 8:30, even on a Saturday, no matter how late I was up the night before.
I get excited about picking out paint colors and searching antique stores for that perfect vintage/distressed coffee table or fruit crate.
I have wrinkles on my forehead.
Over the last year or so, these changes have been creeping up on me, making it abundantly clear that time stops for no one - to roughly quote Steel Magnolias "Honey, time marches on, and eventually you realize it's marching across your face." *on a side note: if you haven't seen Steel Magnolias, with Dolly Parton and Shirley Maclaine, WATCH IT! Watch it now, with a box of kleenex and your best friend. You're welcome.*
Anyway, no matter how hard we try, there's nothing we can do to halt the energizer bunny that is time. It keeps going. And going. Bringing with it your birthday, sooner every year. I turn 25 in a few months. Honestly, I'm not dreading it. I'm just baffled at how it came so soon. It seemed so far away at 21. I will soon be on the downhill towards 30, and it seems much closer on the other side of 25.
I don't feel 25. Heck, I don't feel 24! I look at my life and wonder what I've accomplished. A friend asked me just the other night what I thought my greatest accomplishment so far was. I know what my purpose in life is, and I know God is working his purposes through me, but I look around and see what others around me have accomplished with their lives and I wonder if there's more I could be doing. But that's the problem, I'm comparing. Comparison...the thief of joy and contentment.
To quote You've Got Mail *another must-see* "I lead a small life." I have to remind myself that small doesn't automatically mean "without purpose" or "unaccomplished." I have a small sphere of influence, and I do small things within that sphere, and it suits me. I am content, 97% of the time. But then the Enemy sneaks in and turns my head, pointing out my friends who are married with babies, friends getting their Master's degrees, or friends traveling the world, and I start to compare again.
It takes a conscious, daily (sometimes hourly) effort on my part to remember that my life path is different from everyone else's around me, and it's OKAY! Crazy, I know. But I have chosen a different path from my friends. Chosen. (This is a topic for another post!) My choices have affected my life story, and will continue to do so. God will continue to work his purposes through me and my choices. Because no matter the different life paths, everyone in the body of Christ has the same end goal and destination. Everyone's journey is going to look different though. I want to live a good story. I want my story to point to God in every way. I hope it does, I hope I continue to grow in that. But I need to remember that it will point in ways that are different from my friends with snuggly babies and official-sounding Master's degrees.
And at the end of the day, I need to remember that age is truly a number, and though, "I am twenty-four, going on twenty-five" doesn't flow quite as nice as "sixteen going on seventeen," I'm going to find a gazebo to sing and dance in, in the rain, without the cute telegram boy (but definitely with a flowy dress). I have lots of practice singing both parts of a duet, and I don't want to be stopped by the fact that it looks different from everyone's expectations. I'll write my own song.
Monday, August 26, 2013
Sinking In
Today I was supposed to go to a doctor's appointment with my mom. I ended up not being able to go, but...
Today it sank it a little more that my mom's life has changed. My entire family's lives have changed.
This is a concept that has had a hard time sinking in for me. It's like dropping a hunk of chocolate in a jar of peanut butter and expecting it to sink to the bottom. It doesn't sink, it just sits there, stuck on the surface. The concept of my mom having cancer has been stuck for a couple months. It just sits on my brain, not really doing anything useful, just hanging around, stealing my sleep and peace of mind.
I've been trying to figure out why this life change won't sink in my for me. Granted, it's a big life change. It will take time. But I see everyone around me having emotional responses and I haven't yet.
I've struggled with numbness. It's a defense mechanism, in order to protect myself from the pain, I shut down. But the problem is, you can't choose which parts to selectively shut down. If you shut down one feeling, you shut them all down. By choosing not to feel pain I'm choosing not to feel love, or joy. I don't want to respond in that way.
And then, God spoke to me, through a very dear friend.
She suggested that maybe I wasn't experiencing numbness, but it was actually God protecting my heart. What if God has been shielding my heart from the pain and heartbreak, allowing it to enter a bit at a time, in manageable pieces. Instead of dropping the entire chocolate bar, he's breaking it into pieces, and making the pieces a bit melty, so that they can be stirred into my peanut butter a little easier.
Today, another piece of melty chocolate was added to my peanut butter jar. Granted, it's not as tasty as that, but my God is continuing to watch over me, shelter me, and lead me by the hand through this transition into a new life. I hope the end result is as satisfying as chocolate and peanut butter.
Today it sank it a little more that my mom's life has changed. My entire family's lives have changed.
This is a concept that has had a hard time sinking in for me. It's like dropping a hunk of chocolate in a jar of peanut butter and expecting it to sink to the bottom. It doesn't sink, it just sits there, stuck on the surface. The concept of my mom having cancer has been stuck for a couple months. It just sits on my brain, not really doing anything useful, just hanging around, stealing my sleep and peace of mind.
I've been trying to figure out why this life change won't sink in my for me. Granted, it's a big life change. It will take time. But I see everyone around me having emotional responses and I haven't yet.
I've struggled with numbness. It's a defense mechanism, in order to protect myself from the pain, I shut down. But the problem is, you can't choose which parts to selectively shut down. If you shut down one feeling, you shut them all down. By choosing not to feel pain I'm choosing not to feel love, or joy. I don't want to respond in that way.
And then, God spoke to me, through a very dear friend.
She suggested that maybe I wasn't experiencing numbness, but it was actually God protecting my heart. What if God has been shielding my heart from the pain and heartbreak, allowing it to enter a bit at a time, in manageable pieces. Instead of dropping the entire chocolate bar, he's breaking it into pieces, and making the pieces a bit melty, so that they can be stirred into my peanut butter a little easier.
Today, another piece of melty chocolate was added to my peanut butter jar. Granted, it's not as tasty as that, but my God is continuing to watch over me, shelter me, and lead me by the hand through this transition into a new life. I hope the end result is as satisfying as chocolate and peanut butter.
Friday, August 9, 2013
This Is Why We're Friends
Today I am thankful for my friends...
...for the friends who share my slightly ridiculous obsess-I mean, passion, for things that others could care less about...
...for the friends who don't share my slightly ridiculous fanaticism, but don't judge me for it....
...for the friends who I can communicate with in just a look...
...for the friends who have and will dress up with me for various occasions, like an ugly Christmas sweater party or a Harry Potter movie premiere...
...for the friends who haven't let me live down my embarrassing moments...
...for the friends who can carry a conversation made entirely of movie quotes....
...for the friends who will unashamedly break into song in the middle of Walmart...
...for the friends who share a glass (or two) of wine...
...for the friends who can pick up on my sarcasm even in a text message...
...for the friends who have laughed and cried (that one time I cried) with me...
...for the friends who have been a shoulder, a hug, a tickle, a dance and duet partner...
...for the friends who have seen all sides of me, pretty, ugly, and everywhere in between...
You are those who speak the language of my heart. You are blessings rained down on me from my Heavenly Father. You cannot know how much you mean to me, partly because I stink at telling people how I feel, and partly because even if I wanted to express it I don't know that I could find the appropriate words. We've been through thick and thin, and sweat and tears, long time and short, and we're stretched across great distances.
To my Anne-of-Green-Gables-bossom-friends, my kindred spirits, I love you, more than you know.
Thursday, June 20, 2013
Processing
My prayer for this year has been for peace. After a tumultuous 2012, I very much desired a quiet, peaceful 2013. I was tired of being grown and stretched. I was tired of the upheaval.
Did God do amazing things through it all? Absolutely.
Did I feel a strong desire for that chaos to continue? Not so much.
And for the most part, this year HAS been one of peace. I've had time to settle into a mostly permanent living situation, I've hit my stride in my new job, I have a small circle of friends, and a church body that feels like family. It has been lovely.
But now that time of peace has come to a screeching halt. Nothing can bring things to a standstill like certain words from a doctor's mouth. And when it's someone you love, someone who has already had struggles aplenty in this life, the shock, surprise, heartbreak that comes with that news is truly life stopping. But we can't stop. That's the problem. When every inch of me simply wants to crawl under the covers with a bag of bbq potato chips and a Harry Potter book to hide from the situation, hide from the world, I am forced to continue to go through the motions. I have to go to work. I have to eat something besides potato chips. I can't cry in the middle of a brainstorming meeting at work. I can't live in pajama pants in a fort made of blankets and couch cushions. This defense mechanism wants to take me back to my childhood, back to those things that are safe and comfortable, when life consisted of Disney movies and playing dress-up and swinging in the backyard all afternoon. There were no worries, there was no heartache like I experience now. And if there was, I was blissfully unaware of it.
But as much as I want to barricade myself in my apartment with my books and my embroidery, I am reminded that "Losing your mind is not a luxury for the middle class." (from P.S. I Love You)
Nor is it an appropriate response for one who is a child of God.
My God is in control.
This is part of his plan.
This is the mantra I have to keep repeating.
Do I know why He has allowed this trial? No.
Do I have to know why? No. I would like to, but I don't have to.
I feel numb. But there's an ache behind the numbness. I feel sick. I find myself having to force a smile.
I don't know how to feel.
A problem with being an introvert is that we process internally, so it's all just spinning around in my head. I feel like I should be having an emotional response, but I haven't. Not yet at least. I'm sure it will come, and when it does it will be a torrent of tears and angry words. But until then, I'm still processing. And writing is part of that process for me. The quote at the top of my blog could not be more true. Even in the twenty minutes that I've sat down at this post, I've understood a little better what I'm thinking and how I'm feeling. I'm still processing. And I'm praying. And I'm thanking my God that He does not abandon me. Even when I feel angry towards Him. Even when I don't want to talk to Him, or read His word, He is there. And His arms will be open when I'm ready to rush into them again.
I don't want words of comfort or support right now. I just want to send these thoughts out into the void, knowing that they won't go unnoticed by the One who matters most. He is my Rock. My Strong Tower.
A storm is coming, it's begun to rain. I want to be secure in Him when the full force of the wind and lightening hits.
Did God do amazing things through it all? Absolutely.
Did I feel a strong desire for that chaos to continue? Not so much.
And for the most part, this year HAS been one of peace. I've had time to settle into a mostly permanent living situation, I've hit my stride in my new job, I have a small circle of friends, and a church body that feels like family. It has been lovely.
But now that time of peace has come to a screeching halt. Nothing can bring things to a standstill like certain words from a doctor's mouth. And when it's someone you love, someone who has already had struggles aplenty in this life, the shock, surprise, heartbreak that comes with that news is truly life stopping. But we can't stop. That's the problem. When every inch of me simply wants to crawl under the covers with a bag of bbq potato chips and a Harry Potter book to hide from the situation, hide from the world, I am forced to continue to go through the motions. I have to go to work. I have to eat something besides potato chips. I can't cry in the middle of a brainstorming meeting at work. I can't live in pajama pants in a fort made of blankets and couch cushions. This defense mechanism wants to take me back to my childhood, back to those things that are safe and comfortable, when life consisted of Disney movies and playing dress-up and swinging in the backyard all afternoon. There were no worries, there was no heartache like I experience now. And if there was, I was blissfully unaware of it.
But as much as I want to barricade myself in my apartment with my books and my embroidery, I am reminded that "Losing your mind is not a luxury for the middle class." (from P.S. I Love You)
Nor is it an appropriate response for one who is a child of God.
My God is in control.
This is part of his plan.
This is the mantra I have to keep repeating.
Do I know why He has allowed this trial? No.
Do I have to know why? No. I would like to, but I don't have to.
I feel numb. But there's an ache behind the numbness. I feel sick. I find myself having to force a smile.
I don't know how to feel.
A problem with being an introvert is that we process internally, so it's all just spinning around in my head. I feel like I should be having an emotional response, but I haven't. Not yet at least. I'm sure it will come, and when it does it will be a torrent of tears and angry words. But until then, I'm still processing. And writing is part of that process for me. The quote at the top of my blog could not be more true. Even in the twenty minutes that I've sat down at this post, I've understood a little better what I'm thinking and how I'm feeling. I'm still processing. And I'm praying. And I'm thanking my God that He does not abandon me. Even when I feel angry towards Him. Even when I don't want to talk to Him, or read His word, He is there. And His arms will be open when I'm ready to rush into them again.
I don't want words of comfort or support right now. I just want to send these thoughts out into the void, knowing that they won't go unnoticed by the One who matters most. He is my Rock. My Strong Tower.
A storm is coming, it's begun to rain. I want to be secure in Him when the full force of the wind and lightening hits.
Tuesday, February 5, 2013
Twelve Months
I've been feeling very retrospective the past few days. I know many people take the opportunity of the new year at the beginning of January to look back and see where they've come from in the past year. Due to starting a new job and moving I didn't have an opportunity to do that. But things have slowed down, at least momentarily, and it's given me an opportunity to look back.
What a year 2012 was. I mean seriously. It was like all the possible disasters were having a contest to see who could out do the other. Awesome.
Relationships that began and ended. Jobs that ended and began. Home and hearth being uprooted and relocated. Soaring joy. Heart ache. Utter confusion. Heartbreak. Bitter anger. Physical pain. Comfort. Emotional chaos. Gentle healing. So many peaks and valleys all wrapped up in a 12 month period (more or less).
I look back at where I was twelve months ago. Who I was as a person.
I am no longer that person. I've changed. God has changed me. He's been doing some intensive work. So intense I didn't think I'd make it through some days. And while I don't know that I can honestly say I'm GLAD that I experienced what I did, I can say that I'm GRATEFUL. I can see how God's hand was in every experience, every heartbreak, every triumph. I see the person that I've grown to be, and am immensely thankful.
And yet....
I still struggle.
That's incredibly frustrating for me.
I know I'm not perfect, nor will I EVER be! But to see what I've come through, it seems like I should be able to put some struggles behind me. The organizer in me wants to be able to check it off my list and move on to the next thing. "Okay, I've conquered doubt. I will never doubt again! Time to work on fear!"
I must remember that I am a work in progress! God's work will never be fully realized in me here on this earth. And so....
....I will continue to have doubts....
....I will continue to have fears....
....I will continue to stumble.....
but MAYBE, just maybe, I won't doubt for as long, maybe I won't be as afraid as I was a year ago, maybe I will get back up a little quicker after I stumble. I will continue to cry out to God, to lean on him as my Rock and foundation. I will continue to journal, and blog, and dig deeper into my quiet times, and sing the songs in my heart. Because looking back at where I've come from, I can have hope for where I am going. I changed a lot in the last year, how much will I change in the next twelve months?
What a year 2012 was. I mean seriously. It was like all the possible disasters were having a contest to see who could out do the other. Awesome.
Relationships that began and ended. Jobs that ended and began. Home and hearth being uprooted and relocated. Soaring joy. Heart ache. Utter confusion. Heartbreak. Bitter anger. Physical pain. Comfort. Emotional chaos. Gentle healing. So many peaks and valleys all wrapped up in a 12 month period (more or less).
I look back at where I was twelve months ago. Who I was as a person.
I am no longer that person. I've changed. God has changed me. He's been doing some intensive work. So intense I didn't think I'd make it through some days. And while I don't know that I can honestly say I'm GLAD that I experienced what I did, I can say that I'm GRATEFUL. I can see how God's hand was in every experience, every heartbreak, every triumph. I see the person that I've grown to be, and am immensely thankful.
And yet....
I still struggle.
That's incredibly frustrating for me.
I know I'm not perfect, nor will I EVER be! But to see what I've come through, it seems like I should be able to put some struggles behind me. The organizer in me wants to be able to check it off my list and move on to the next thing. "Okay, I've conquered doubt. I will never doubt again! Time to work on fear!"
I must remember that I am a work in progress! God's work will never be fully realized in me here on this earth. And so....
....I will continue to have doubts....
....I will continue to have fears....
....I will continue to stumble.....
but MAYBE, just maybe, I won't doubt for as long, maybe I won't be as afraid as I was a year ago, maybe I will get back up a little quicker after I stumble. I will continue to cry out to God, to lean on him as my Rock and foundation. I will continue to journal, and blog, and dig deeper into my quiet times, and sing the songs in my heart. Because looking back at where I've come from, I can have hope for where I am going. I changed a lot in the last year, how much will I change in the next twelve months?
Saturday, October 27, 2012
Holding Pattern
"Wow, I tell ya what, wow!"
For those of you who don't know me terribly well, you should know that mind in made up mostly of song lyrics and movie quotes :) I'll give a hug to whoever can name the above quote! (hint it's animated)
But it accurately sums up how I feel. Isn't it just the truth that when you think things can't get any worse, life throws its head back and laughs hysterically, and then can't pass up the urge to prove us wrong. Awesome.
What's particularly frustrating with this situation that I'm just being called to wait. To quote an iconic movie character with a Spanish accent "I hate waiting."
(a gold star for whoever names this one, I'll even give you a picture!)
I am generally a pretty decisive person. I usually have a pretty clear idea of what I should be doing, and once I've determined a course of action, I take it. But I'm in a situation where I've been on my knees, practically begging God to tell me where to go. I want to submit to Him, I want to do his will, I truly do! But I have NO IDEA what His will is in this situation. For a while I thought I had two options before me: Action 1, Action 2.
For weeks I've been trying to decide between Action 1 and Action 2. There isn't one that's more right or wrong than the other. I could pick either one and God would use it as he will. But He hasn't given me any kind of direction about which one to pick. I spent weeks vacillating between the two; Monday I'd wake up convinced that I needed to do Action 1, and then Tuesday I'd be uncertain, and thinking that maybe I should actually choose Action 2. Weeks of this.
Then God gave me an answer. Too bad it wasn't the answer I wanted....
It just struck me one day, "Kaylee, did it ever occur to you that the reason you can't make up your mind is because you're not supposed to pick Action 1 or 2? Maybe you're just supposed to be waiting?
*Siiiiiiiigh* *insert whiny whines*
Introduce Action 3 (or anti-Action?)
I am not a good waiter. I try, but I'm not the most patient of people. I'm all about efficiency, and in an effort to be as efficient as possible, I'm pretty good at avoiding much waiting.
Once God sent me this brain wave, he brought to mind one of my favorite verses....at least, it had been one of my favorite verses, until I felt so convicted by it :)
Psalm 62:1 "For God alone my soul waits in silence, from him comes my salvation."
Ouch. My soul hasn't been waiting very well, and it sure as heck hasn't been waiting in silence. There are definitely times to cry out to God, but there are times when we just need to shut up and listen.
So I'm waiting. I am trying to remember who my hope is, who it's founded on. And it helps to listen to songs like this and remember what home I'm waiting for....
For those of you who don't know me terribly well, you should know that mind in made up mostly of song lyrics and movie quotes :) I'll give a hug to whoever can name the above quote! (hint it's animated)
But it accurately sums up how I feel. Isn't it just the truth that when you think things can't get any worse, life throws its head back and laughs hysterically, and then can't pass up the urge to prove us wrong. Awesome.
What's particularly frustrating with this situation that I'm just being called to wait. To quote an iconic movie character with a Spanish accent "I hate waiting."
(a gold star for whoever names this one, I'll even give you a picture!)
I am generally a pretty decisive person. I usually have a pretty clear idea of what I should be doing, and once I've determined a course of action, I take it. But I'm in a situation where I've been on my knees, practically begging God to tell me where to go. I want to submit to Him, I want to do his will, I truly do! But I have NO IDEA what His will is in this situation. For a while I thought I had two options before me: Action 1, Action 2.
For weeks I've been trying to decide between Action 1 and Action 2. There isn't one that's more right or wrong than the other. I could pick either one and God would use it as he will. But He hasn't given me any kind of direction about which one to pick. I spent weeks vacillating between the two; Monday I'd wake up convinced that I needed to do Action 1, and then Tuesday I'd be uncertain, and thinking that maybe I should actually choose Action 2. Weeks of this.
Then God gave me an answer. Too bad it wasn't the answer I wanted....
It just struck me one day, "Kaylee, did it ever occur to you that the reason you can't make up your mind is because you're not supposed to pick Action 1 or 2? Maybe you're just supposed to be waiting?
*Siiiiiiiigh* *insert whiny whines*
Introduce Action 3 (or anti-Action?)
I am not a good waiter. I try, but I'm not the most patient of people. I'm all about efficiency, and in an effort to be as efficient as possible, I'm pretty good at avoiding much waiting.
Once God sent me this brain wave, he brought to mind one of my favorite verses....at least, it had been one of my favorite verses, until I felt so convicted by it :)
Psalm 62:1 "For God alone my soul waits in silence, from him comes my salvation."
Ouch. My soul hasn't been waiting very well, and it sure as heck hasn't been waiting in silence. There are definitely times to cry out to God, but there are times when we just need to shut up and listen.
So I'm waiting. I am trying to remember who my hope is, who it's founded on. And it helps to listen to songs like this and remember what home I'm waiting for....
Thursday, September 13, 2012
"a place of abundance"
God is definitely opening me up to new experiences this year. I mean, 2012 has just been chock-full of changes and firsts and growth.
Sometimes I sit back and think, "Okay God, I'm ready for a break! Can't things just stay neutral, for a little bit at least?" And then I'm pretty sure God chuckles and shakes his head (not maliciously, but benevolently) and picks up his shaker full of "change" and "firsts" and "challenges" and sprinkles some more of that mix on my head like fairy dust. Too bad all the change and firsts and challenges can't make me fly, because that'd be pretty amazing. : )
But no, no flight. Just stress levels that are through the roof. Seriously, I have never in my life experienced the kind of stress I am currently going through. And I was happy not experiencing it. It's not like I was sitting on my couch wishing, "Gee, I just don't have enough stress in my life, God can you do something about that?" Nope, I can guarantee I haven't ever thought that.
Yet, here I am, exhausted, drained mentally and physically and emotionally, playing a waiting game with an ending that hasn't been written yet. Actually, that's not true. God know's how it'll end. He just isn't sharing with me : )
I'm sure you've experienced that place in life, where circumstances are beyond your control, and things are all up in the air, and you have to, need to, must pray. But you pick up your pen to journal, or you hit your knees on your bedroom floor, and you don't have the words. All you can do is cry out, and pray that God hears you heart, because you can't express how you're feeling in words.
I've been meditating on Romans 8:26 this week, and it's been such a comfort to me...
"Likewise, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words." 10-12
How amazing is that? Seriously, the Holy Spirit, knows my heart, and he knows God's heart, and he prays for me! Wow. What more could I ask for?
It doesn't take long for my selfish and easily-distracted heart to come up with an answer to that question. What about a happy ending? An ending that will make all the struggle worthwhile....
Yeah, God's got an answer for that too, and he showed me this week in Psalm 66:
"For you, O God, have tested us;
you have tried us as silver is tried.
You brought us into the net;
you laid a crushing burden on our backs;
you let men ride over our heads;
we went through fire and through water;
yet you have brought us out to a place of abundance."
Okay, so just to be clear:
1. When I don't have words to pray, the Holy Spirit intercedes for me,
and
2. though he allows the trials, trying me like silver, he will bring me out to a place of abundance....
Gosh, *shuffles feet sheepishly*
God, you really do that for me?
My stress levels may be at an all-time high, and my life may be very-much out of my control currently, but I have hope. There is a place of abundance coming. I don't know when, I don't know how, or what it will look like, but it is coming. My God is that amazing.
Sometimes I sit back and think, "Okay God, I'm ready for a break! Can't things just stay neutral, for a little bit at least?" And then I'm pretty sure God chuckles and shakes his head (not maliciously, but benevolently) and picks up his shaker full of "change" and "firsts" and "challenges" and sprinkles some more of that mix on my head like fairy dust. Too bad all the change and firsts and challenges can't make me fly, because that'd be pretty amazing. : )
But no, no flight. Just stress levels that are through the roof. Seriously, I have never in my life experienced the kind of stress I am currently going through. And I was happy not experiencing it. It's not like I was sitting on my couch wishing, "Gee, I just don't have enough stress in my life, God can you do something about that?" Nope, I can guarantee I haven't ever thought that.
Yet, here I am, exhausted, drained mentally and physically and emotionally, playing a waiting game with an ending that hasn't been written yet. Actually, that's not true. God know's how it'll end. He just isn't sharing with me : )
I'm sure you've experienced that place in life, where circumstances are beyond your control, and things are all up in the air, and you have to, need to, must pray. But you pick up your pen to journal, or you hit your knees on your bedroom floor, and you don't have the words. All you can do is cry out, and pray that God hears you heart, because you can't express how you're feeling in words.
I've been meditating on Romans 8:26 this week, and it's been such a comfort to me...
"Likewise, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words." 10-12
How amazing is that? Seriously, the Holy Spirit, knows my heart, and he knows God's heart, and he prays for me! Wow. What more could I ask for?
It doesn't take long for my selfish and easily-distracted heart to come up with an answer to that question. What about a happy ending? An ending that will make all the struggle worthwhile....
Yeah, God's got an answer for that too, and he showed me this week in Psalm 66:
"For you, O God, have tested us;
you have tried us as silver is tried.
You brought us into the net;
you laid a crushing burden on our backs;
you let men ride over our heads;
we went through fire and through water;
yet you have brought us out to a place of abundance."
Okay, so just to be clear:
1. When I don't have words to pray, the Holy Spirit intercedes for me,
and
2. though he allows the trials, trying me like silver, he will bring me out to a place of abundance....
Gosh, *shuffles feet sheepishly*
God, you really do that for me?
My stress levels may be at an all-time high, and my life may be very-much out of my control currently, but I have hope. There is a place of abundance coming. I don't know when, I don't know how, or what it will look like, but it is coming. My God is that amazing.
Monday, August 20, 2012
Upward and Onward
I've had a lot of time to think the past couple of weeks. I wish I could say I was just overflowing with happy, joyous, warm fuzzies.
But that would not be honest : )
Things haven't been bad, they haven't been super fantastic either....I'm just...kinda....meh...
How lame is that?
Because when I really sit down and think about my life, I know I've got it good.
I live in a country where I don't have to fear for my life because of my faith.
I have a family who I love and who loves me! (including a poodle)
I have friends in all stages of life that I get to experience with them, and be an encouragement and support to, and who are there for me too.
I have a place to live and food to eat, a bed to sleep in and clothes to wear, all provided for me by a job which God provided for me.
So why can't I shake this feeling of discouragement? This feeling of despondency....
After going on a short mission trip to Chicago with a church group a few weeks ago, I struggled with figuring out how to best use my time.
Going on a mission trip is a great opportunity to serve, but many times it's a one-time opportunity, and then we go home and often times continue to live our lives with no change. I didn't want that to be the case with me. I wanted to make a change in my life, using my time to make a difference in my community, which is just as important as missions work away from home.
It took me a few days after I came home but I finally saw (aka God showed me) a way to use my time and make an impact in someone's life.
I don't want to just continue living my life with a horizontal view, I want a vertical perspective, I want to live in a way that makes a kingdom difference. It may not be street evangelism, it may not be feeding starving children in Africa, but that doesn't make it any less important. God works through big and small, and I am just grateful to be used by him at all.
But that would not be honest : )
Things haven't been bad, they haven't been super fantastic either....I'm just...kinda....meh...
How lame is that?
Because when I really sit down and think about my life, I know I've got it good.
I live in a country where I don't have to fear for my life because of my faith.
I have a family who I love and who loves me! (including a poodle)
 |
| Lissa's Graduation with Ty :) |
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| Winston |
 |
| Me and Mandjo |
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| Em and Christi and I at Rache's wedding |
I have a place to live and food to eat, a bed to sleep in and clothes to wear, all provided for me by a job which God provided for me.
So why can't I shake this feeling of discouragement? This feeling of despondency....
After going on a short mission trip to Chicago with a church group a few weeks ago, I struggled with figuring out how to best use my time.
Going on a mission trip is a great opportunity to serve, but many times it's a one-time opportunity, and then we go home and often times continue to live our lives with no change. I didn't want that to be the case with me. I wanted to make a change in my life, using my time to make a difference in my community, which is just as important as missions work away from home.
It took me a few days after I came home but I finally saw (aka God showed me) a way to use my time and make an impact in someone's life.
I don't want to just continue living my life with a horizontal view, I want a vertical perspective, I want to live in a way that makes a kingdom difference. It may not be street evangelism, it may not be feeding starving children in Africa, but that doesn't make it any less important. God works through big and small, and I am just grateful to be used by him at all.
Saturday, June 23, 2012
"When my heart is faint..."
I am emotionally lost right now.
Floundering....wandering....seeking....searching.....
Completely at a loss as how to handle my current situation.
I've never been here before, this is new territory and I feel like I'm walking blind, like when you have to walk across a room in the dark and your hands are stretched out before you to keep from running into something you can't see.
I'm crying out to my heavenly Father, just wanting to be held by Him, to feel his presence taking me by the hand and leading me through the dark.
My heart is aching, confused. Things changed so suddenly, I think it's still in shock, and I'm dreading the crash that will come when the shock wears off.
Sometimes life sucks.
But fortunately for us, our joy doesn't have to be dependent on our circumstances, and when I cry out to my heavenly Father, He hears me.
"Hear my cry oh God, listen to my prayer; from the end of the earth I call to you when my heart is faint. Lead me to the rock that is higher than I, for you have been my refuge, a strong tower against my enemy." Psalm 61:1-3.
I am under attack, and it's been especially strong the past couple of days. But my God is my rock, my strong tower.
Wednesday, May 2, 2012
"Taste and See"
In my quiet time this morning I read Psalm 34, and verse 8 stood out to me:
"Oh taste and see that the Lord is good! Blessed is the man who takes refuge in him!"
Yes, the Lord is good. The man who abides in him will be blessed. Those statements I get, I can wrap my mind around them. But the very beginning of the verse "Oh taste and see," I sat at the table this morning thinking, what does in the world does that look like?
How can I taste God? That's a little strange....then I thought, it could be referring to John 6:35 "Jesus said to them, 'I am the bread of life; whoever comes to me shall not hunger, and whoever believes in me shall never thirst.'" Jesus is our sustenance, the only thing that can satisfy us. But that still doesn't explain what it would look like to "...taste and see that the Lord is good"
It makes me think of a baby, and how, when they're exploring and learning about their world, 9 times out of 10 they try to stick everything they can in their mouth. That's how they experience their world. They don't limit their exploration to just sight and sound, but include touch and taste as well.
I think we lose that as we get older. How often to we strive to experience our world with all five of our senses? How often to we strive to experience God with all five of our senses?
I want to run outside and roll in the grass, feeling the blades between my fingers, the dirt under my toes, smell the freshness of spring, listen to the birds chattering away, pluck an apple from the tree and bite into the crisp and juiciness, and see the powder puff clouds floating across the serene blue sky.
I want to hug my family, feel their arms around me, smell each of their individual scents, hear their laughter and kiss their beautiful faces.
It's all God, but how often do we think about that? I want to "taste and see."
I want to be much more intentional about experiencing God with all of my senses.
"Oh taste and see that the Lord is good! Blessed is the man who takes refuge in him!"
Yes, the Lord is good. The man who abides in him will be blessed. Those statements I get, I can wrap my mind around them. But the very beginning of the verse "Oh taste and see," I sat at the table this morning thinking, what does in the world does that look like?
How can I taste God? That's a little strange....then I thought, it could be referring to John 6:35 "Jesus said to them, 'I am the bread of life; whoever comes to me shall not hunger, and whoever believes in me shall never thirst.'" Jesus is our sustenance, the only thing that can satisfy us. But that still doesn't explain what it would look like to "...taste and see that the Lord is good"
It makes me think of a baby, and how, when they're exploring and learning about their world, 9 times out of 10 they try to stick everything they can in their mouth. That's how they experience their world. They don't limit their exploration to just sight and sound, but include touch and taste as well.
I think we lose that as we get older. How often to we strive to experience our world with all five of our senses? How often to we strive to experience God with all five of our senses?
I want to run outside and roll in the grass, feeling the blades between my fingers, the dirt under my toes, smell the freshness of spring, listen to the birds chattering away, pluck an apple from the tree and bite into the crisp and juiciness, and see the powder puff clouds floating across the serene blue sky.
I want to hug my family, feel their arms around me, smell each of their individual scents, hear their laughter and kiss their beautiful faces.
It's all God, but how often do we think about that? I want to "taste and see."
I want to be much more intentional about experiencing God with all of my senses.
Monday, April 30, 2012
I don't have a creative title...
It's amazing how we have to keep learning the same lessons in life isn't it? God teaches us something, and we think we've learned it, but then a month later we're relearning the same thing again.
Or maybe that's just me...I don't mean to generalize. But I have a feeling I'm not the only one : )
It seems like the lesson I keep having to learn and learn again is trust.
It's not like God hasn't shown Himself to be worthy of my trust. He's definitely shown himself again and again.
So why do I keep coming back to this issue? Why doesn't it stick??????
Why do I have such a hard time placing my trust wholeheartedly on God?
God has been growing me again these past few months, forcing me to lean on Him and place my trust in Him. And I've learned something about myself. In the past, I would realize the need for trusting God in the BIG circumstances. Perfect example: Spain last year. A year ago I was preparing to go to Spain for two months, trying to raise funds, deciding what to pack, trying not to freak out that I was going and there was no plan for when I came home again. I was learning to trust God through that big leap of faith. But lately I've been learning to trust God through the little things. Why shouldn't I trust God to handle my daily things? He has been stretching me. Pushing here, prodding there, pruning, trimming and grooming me.
Has it been painful? Certainly.
Has it been difficult? Most definitely.
Has it been worth it? Absolutely!
I'm in a place in life that I've never experienced before, because I waited, and was patient, and trusted God. He has yet to let me down, so maybe one of these days the lesson will sink in fully. Until then I suppose I'll just keep learning, growing, and enjoying this ride!
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