My heart is grieving - mourning life lost, life wasted, life taken, life thrown away.
The Creator of the earth and sky, the sea below and the stars above, all good things...He breathed life into man.
"Then the LORD God formed the man of dust from the ground and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life, and the man became a living creature." Genesis 2:7
By this we are set apart. His breath gave us life, not just physically, but spiritually.
And then the hissed lies of a serpent in the shadows caught our attention, turned our head. We threw away the gift of life that filled our lungs, permeated our very being. We decided we wanted to play with the box the gift came in, instead of the gift itself. And still you loved us.
You loved us enough to sacrifice your son as a lamb to be slaughtered. Life was cruelly, brutally, mercilessly stripped and drained from him. Yet this was only temporary. Love rose again in defeat of death. Life was renewed, and once again we were given the gift of life for your glory.
"I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd lays down his life for his sheep." John 10:11
But today that gift is trampled on, spat upon, taken for granted, treated with disdain. This delicate and fragile thing that is life, is mocked and degraded. Some take the lives of others, some take their own lives. Some waste the life they've been given, some abuse it.
My heart is broken for the lives lost, taken, abused, destroyed, mutilated, cheapened, imprisoned.
LORD, forgive us our sins.
On the surface, our world appears to greatly value life. We spend countless hours and obscene amounts of money in desperate efforts to extend life. Yet, life is only worth extending if it is deemed "healthy" or "happy" by society. Anything falling outside those qualifications isn't worth saving. We abort babies with down's syndrome. We are told that after a certain advanced age, when the mind isn't as supple and the body isn't as agile, that it would just be better to die so as not to be a burden. We applaud those who have the "courage" to take their own lives so as to avoid or escape suffering. We glamorize mass murderers while their victims get tossed aside like banana peels. How can our world be so confused, so backwards, so contrary to itself? Why is a pain-free life the only life worth living?
My heart aches for the lost, for those who have been lied to and bought into the lie, for those whose lives have been ended because they didn't pass society's quality assurance test. But should I be surprised? These lies are perpetuated by those who don't have the truth. They either haven't heard it, or are ignoring it, but they don't have it. It should be no great shock that these lies spread like wildfire through the uninformed masses who are consumed by it like a forest that hasn't seen rain for years. On some level, it must make sense that a life of pain or discomfort isn't worth living. When illness consumes, when circumstances overwhelm, why prolong the agony? But that cuts to the heart of the issue. It's selfish. Thoughts and actions like that are selfish to the core. You cannot possibly know the impact or influence your life will have on those around you. You don't know how your difficult situation or suffering may shape someone who crosses your path. Not to mention how such situations shape ourselves. When is the last time your grew as a person when your life was peachy and carefree? I look back on my life and see that true growth as a person happened during the trials. Of course it was difficult. Of course I prayed for an end to the discomfort and suffering. There are times in my life I wish never to repeat, situations you couldn't pay me to endure again. But I am so thankful for how I was stretched, grown, matured, during those trials.
My body, my very core aches with a longing for the peace, healing, and wholeness in heaven. Eternal, unbroken life in the presence of my Father. But it is not for me to decide when and how that happens. In our world of test tubes and artificial preservatives we attempt and presume to play god. How dare we. We see our capabilities in preserving life, so we assume we should have the same power to end it whenever and however we wish. After all, "It's MY body. Who are YOU to tell me how to manage MY body?" We forget that our lives are not our own.
Heavenly Father, forgive us for the callous attitude and ever decreasing value we give to your gift of life. What a precious gift it is. Help us to maintain an attitude of thankfulness for the lives we've been given. We have life while millions of others have been denied it. I pray for hearts overflowing and lives LIVED with gratitude.
Don't live life in fear of pain and discomfort. How much richer would life be if we learned to find the good in all situations instead of simply avoiding what hurts? A life with pain is worth living THAT much more. Live it for all it's worth.
Thursday, October 9, 2014
Friday, August 22, 2014
An Open Conversation
Those of you who enjoy the music of Gungor (Beautiful Things) may have seen the recent flurry of drama surrounding them, after World Magazine wrote this article about Michael Gungor's views on the interpretation of the book of Genesis, found on their web site, here.
This post is not about discussing whether or not I agree with Michael Gungor. This post is not about condemning or praising him. This post is about encouraging some introspection.
In the aftermath of Gungor's views being highly publicized, they have had concerts canceled, music pulled from shelves, and hateful remarks flung at them. I have seen and read articles on both sides of the fence, most condemning, some praising. But do you know what I haven't seen much of?
A conversation.
I scroll to the bottom of these online articles and see peoplediscussing bickering back and forth over these issues. Oh hold on, this person just switched to CAPS Lock, things are getting serious now! Everyone has to be right. Everyone has to have the last word. Everyone has a scripture verse to support their "holier than thou" point. It makes me sick to see, because it's not helpful or edifying in any way.
We are so quick to immediately conclude that someone is either right or wrong. We are unwilling to even entertain the thought of simply having a conversation about the topic. It's a phenomenon that I've witnessed before in Christian communities. The instant that someone expresses an opinion that doesn't jive with what we've come to accept as truth, our defenses go up and we immediately close the door on an opportunity to discuss it.
Because it's scary to discuss something that could change the way we think and live our lives. It's so much easier and safer to protect our little bubble of "what we think we know" and keep everything else at arm's length while firing off thoughtless accusations. Yet, in our mad scramble to protect, we don't think about the potential damage we're causing. Damage to our witness, damage to the other person attempting to start a conversation, damage to ourselves.
What must non-believers think when they see this kind of arguing going on?
Instead of showing God's love to those around us, we're screaming at each other through our screens. Non-believers see nothing different from what they find on any other web site. Why on earth would anyone on the outside see any incentive to engage in that? They can get the same kind of "discussion" everywhere else, and without the "annoying" Bible verses sprinkled in. Engaging in this kind of petty back and forth does so much more harm than good. In fact, I can't see that it does ANY good. Sorry to break it to you, but your online rant is not going to change anyone's mind. It's just going to make everyone mad.
Is your faith so fragile that it cannot withstand any kind of questioning?
Are we so afraid of having our world view, our walk of faith changed, that we alienate those with genuine questions and concerns, those with real knowledge that could expand your view of God? Are we so insecure in our own knowledge and ability that we refuse any opportunity to defend our faith? Are we so self-sufficient that we don't ask the Holy Spirit to give us the words to say?
This is not a new problem, not by any stretch of the imagination. But I guess that's what's so discouraging. We don't seem to have learned from our past mistakes.
Instead we've become even more entrenched in our views, convinced that we and we alone have the only right answer. And to a certain extent that is true. We should be able to agree on the salvation issues, and those are hills to die on. But so many of the arguments circulating are about non-salvation issues.
Remember when people thought that the Earth was the center of the universe? And then Copernicus suggested that actually the Sun was the center of the universe and that all other bodies rotated around it? Who shut him down? Yeah, the church. Based on their interpretation of scripture, they declared the Earth to be the center and anyone who thought differently was a heretic, even though your salvation isn't dependent on which celestial body moves around the other.
And then, turns out, the church was wrong. *Gasp* Turns out that the passages of scripture they based their belief on were less literal and more figurative. And as we expanded our knowledge of the universe and our world, we came to understand that. As crazy as it sounds, science and Christianity DO NOT have to be at odds. But that's a post for another time.
The point is, it is arrogant to assume that we have perfectly interpreted the Bible. Please understand me. I am not questioning the validity or authenticity of God's Word. I believe that it IS God's word, God breathed and inspired. Yet, it is being interpreted by humans, and as I must remind you, humans are flawed. It is entirely possible that there are pieces of Scripture, like the book of Genesis, that we have interpreted incorrectly or have a flawed understanding of.
We have to be willing to have open and honest discussions about this. We cannot continue this damaging habit of immediately tearing down anyone who raises a valid question. We MUST stop declaring that so-and-so isn't a Christian because they believe the earth is older than 6,000 years, or because they differ on some other NON-salvation issue. The ability to allow and participate in these conversations can, in turn, strengthen your ability to have civil conversations with someone who believes differently from you (an essential for ALL Christians). You may not change anyone's mind, and they may not change your views, in which case you will have learned how to skillfully but respectfully defend your beliefs.
But, WHAT IF it opens your eyes and heart to new views and ways of seeing God? In my case, it has done nothing but strengthen my faith and increase my awe, respect, and love for God. We must be willing to converse.
Only an open and honest conversation can spread God's light and love to those around us. So the next time someone expresses an opinion that is different from yours, instead of getting your undies in a bunch and slamming the door in their face, swallow your fear and pride, take a deep breath, say a quick prayer for words to speak, and engage them in a conversation. Listen respectfully to what they have to say and go from there. It doesn't have to get heated or angry. You may have to agree to disagree, but how many future doors and opportunities may be opened by one talk? You don't know until you try.
This post is not about discussing whether or not I agree with Michael Gungor. This post is not about condemning or praising him. This post is about encouraging some introspection.
In the aftermath of Gungor's views being highly publicized, they have had concerts canceled, music pulled from shelves, and hateful remarks flung at them. I have seen and read articles on both sides of the fence, most condemning, some praising. But do you know what I haven't seen much of?
A conversation.
I scroll to the bottom of these online articles and see people
We are so quick to immediately conclude that someone is either right or wrong. We are unwilling to even entertain the thought of simply having a conversation about the topic. It's a phenomenon that I've witnessed before in Christian communities. The instant that someone expresses an opinion that doesn't jive with what we've come to accept as truth, our defenses go up and we immediately close the door on an opportunity to discuss it.
Because it's scary to discuss something that could change the way we think and live our lives. It's so much easier and safer to protect our little bubble of "what we think we know" and keep everything else at arm's length while firing off thoughtless accusations. Yet, in our mad scramble to protect, we don't think about the potential damage we're causing. Damage to our witness, damage to the other person attempting to start a conversation, damage to ourselves.
What must non-believers think when they see this kind of arguing going on?
Instead of showing God's love to those around us, we're screaming at each other through our screens. Non-believers see nothing different from what they find on any other web site. Why on earth would anyone on the outside see any incentive to engage in that? They can get the same kind of "discussion" everywhere else, and without the "annoying" Bible verses sprinkled in. Engaging in this kind of petty back and forth does so much more harm than good. In fact, I can't see that it does ANY good. Sorry to break it to you, but your online rant is not going to change anyone's mind. It's just going to make everyone mad.
Is your faith so fragile that it cannot withstand any kind of questioning?
Are we so afraid of having our world view, our walk of faith changed, that we alienate those with genuine questions and concerns, those with real knowledge that could expand your view of God? Are we so insecure in our own knowledge and ability that we refuse any opportunity to defend our faith? Are we so self-sufficient that we don't ask the Holy Spirit to give us the words to say?
This is not a new problem, not by any stretch of the imagination. But I guess that's what's so discouraging. We don't seem to have learned from our past mistakes.
Instead we've become even more entrenched in our views, convinced that we and we alone have the only right answer. And to a certain extent that is true. We should be able to agree on the salvation issues, and those are hills to die on. But so many of the arguments circulating are about non-salvation issues.
Remember when people thought that the Earth was the center of the universe? And then Copernicus suggested that actually the Sun was the center of the universe and that all other bodies rotated around it? Who shut him down? Yeah, the church. Based on their interpretation of scripture, they declared the Earth to be the center and anyone who thought differently was a heretic, even though your salvation isn't dependent on which celestial body moves around the other.
And then, turns out, the church was wrong. *Gasp* Turns out that the passages of scripture they based their belief on were less literal and more figurative. And as we expanded our knowledge of the universe and our world, we came to understand that. As crazy as it sounds, science and Christianity DO NOT have to be at odds. But that's a post for another time.
The point is, it is arrogant to assume that we have perfectly interpreted the Bible. Please understand me. I am not questioning the validity or authenticity of God's Word. I believe that it IS God's word, God breathed and inspired. Yet, it is being interpreted by humans, and as I must remind you, humans are flawed. It is entirely possible that there are pieces of Scripture, like the book of Genesis, that we have interpreted incorrectly or have a flawed understanding of.
We have to be willing to have open and honest discussions about this. We cannot continue this damaging habit of immediately tearing down anyone who raises a valid question. We MUST stop declaring that so-and-so isn't a Christian because they believe the earth is older than 6,000 years, or because they differ on some other NON-salvation issue. The ability to allow and participate in these conversations can, in turn, strengthen your ability to have civil conversations with someone who believes differently from you (an essential for ALL Christians). You may not change anyone's mind, and they may not change your views, in which case you will have learned how to skillfully but respectfully defend your beliefs.
But, WHAT IF it opens your eyes and heart to new views and ways of seeing God? In my case, it has done nothing but strengthen my faith and increase my awe, respect, and love for God. We must be willing to converse.
Only an open and honest conversation can spread God's light and love to those around us. So the next time someone expresses an opinion that is different from yours, instead of getting your undies in a bunch and slamming the door in their face, swallow your fear and pride, take a deep breath, say a quick prayer for words to speak, and engage them in a conversation. Listen respectfully to what they have to say and go from there. It doesn't have to get heated or angry. You may have to agree to disagree, but how many future doors and opportunities may be opened by one talk? You don't know until you try.
Tuesday, August 12, 2014
Mourning What Matters
Today America is mourning the loss of a man. He was talented, he was entertaining, he contributed to our culture. It is incredibly sad that he reached a point in his life where he felt he had no other options. And so Americans post videos and pictures and moving tributes, shedding tears for someone that most of them have never met.
Meanwhile, where are the tears shed or the tributes written for the hundreds of women and children being slaughtered in Iraq? Where is their memorial service, their touching video or slideshow in remembrance of their lives? Will no one take a moment to mourn for the needless, senseless, horrific loss of innocent life?
"Oh, but wait!" you say. "I posted on Twitter about that social justice issue and used the corresponding hashtag! I care!" If that's all the "care" you can muster, then it's no wonder atrocities like the mass murders in Iraq continue.
We have gotten lazy. In a world where information is literally at our fingertips 24/7, we've become inundated with viral cat videos and the latest Buzzfeed quiz. And while we can spare ten minutes to take a quiz about which vegetable we would be if we were produce, we can't be bothered to get educated on the genocides happening around the world, the corruption, the terror.
And believe me, I get it, this stuff is depressing. Watching the news for ten minutes is enough to put a damper on anyone's mood. And so you say, "It's depressing. And I can't do anything about the terrorists in Iraq anyway. My being informed doesn't save the lives of Christians being murdered for their beliefs." If being informed isn't going to help people, then I can guarantee you that watching yet another cover of a song from Frozen isn't going to help either.
I'm not here to take a political stance. I don't mean to be a downer. I'm not even here to place a guilt trip. It just breaks my heart that men, women, and children, who have done nothing wrong but are just living their lives, are being slaughtered, and we can't be bothered to really, truly care. But if a Hollywood legend dies then stop the presses! If there is to be any hope for change, we have to start with educating ourselves. I try to stay informed, and many times still feel helpless to do anything about the suffering happening around us.
And yet when it seems there's nothing else I can do, I am reminded that we are not helpless. In fact, we have one of the greatest tools in existence at our disposal.
Prayer.
I am reminded that we serve a sovereign God, a God who holds the world in His hands, who loves and cherishes His people. I cannot reach out across the globe and draw those in danger into my home. But God can draw them to His side. And so I pray. Because I'm informed, I know who to pray for and how to pray for them.
So this week I encourage you to brace yourself, and take some time to read. Find reputable sources (that means NOT Facebook or Twitter) and learn about the terrible, terrible things happening in the Middle East. And then pray.
Meanwhile, where are the tears shed or the tributes written for the hundreds of women and children being slaughtered in Iraq? Where is their memorial service, their touching video or slideshow in remembrance of their lives? Will no one take a moment to mourn for the needless, senseless, horrific loss of innocent life?
"Oh, but wait!" you say. "I posted on Twitter about that social justice issue and used the corresponding hashtag! I care!" If that's all the "care" you can muster, then it's no wonder atrocities like the mass murders in Iraq continue.
We have gotten lazy. In a world where information is literally at our fingertips 24/7, we've become inundated with viral cat videos and the latest Buzzfeed quiz. And while we can spare ten minutes to take a quiz about which vegetable we would be if we were produce, we can't be bothered to get educated on the genocides happening around the world, the corruption, the terror.
And believe me, I get it, this stuff is depressing. Watching the news for ten minutes is enough to put a damper on anyone's mood. And so you say, "It's depressing. And I can't do anything about the terrorists in Iraq anyway. My being informed doesn't save the lives of Christians being murdered for their beliefs." If being informed isn't going to help people, then I can guarantee you that watching yet another cover of a song from Frozen isn't going to help either.
I'm not here to take a political stance. I don't mean to be a downer. I'm not even here to place a guilt trip. It just breaks my heart that men, women, and children, who have done nothing wrong but are just living their lives, are being slaughtered, and we can't be bothered to really, truly care. But if a Hollywood legend dies then stop the presses! If there is to be any hope for change, we have to start with educating ourselves. I try to stay informed, and many times still feel helpless to do anything about the suffering happening around us.
And yet when it seems there's nothing else I can do, I am reminded that we are not helpless. In fact, we have one of the greatest tools in existence at our disposal.
Prayer.
I am reminded that we serve a sovereign God, a God who holds the world in His hands, who loves and cherishes His people. I cannot reach out across the globe and draw those in danger into my home. But God can draw them to His side. And so I pray. Because I'm informed, I know who to pray for and how to pray for them.
So this week I encourage you to brace yourself, and take some time to read. Find reputable sources (that means NOT Facebook or Twitter) and learn about the terrible, terrible things happening in the Middle East. And then pray.
Tuesday, April 29, 2014
Multi-Dimensional Peace
Philippians 4:6-7
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus."
These are oft quoted verses. And for good reason. They serve as a reminder of God's sovereignty, that we should take our fears and worries and lay them before Him. They are a promise of peace.
But as I read these verses this week, I paused over verse 7 - "And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus." I realized that these words are contradictory to how I typically think about peace.
I've always considered peace to be a state of being. I've never thought of peace as an active, action word. Yet this verse clearly states that the peace of God will guard our hearts and minds. Immediately the image of a sentinel forms in my mind; a guard on a castle wall armed and alert, watching the enemy lines for signs of movement. Smoke rises all around, and the drums of war beat a threatening rhythm, shaking the stone wall. After all, we are at war - a spiritual battle that will continue until Christ returns. But this jars with my preconceived notion of peace. Peace is the opposite of war.
But then another image comes to mind - a mountain valley covered in a carpet of lush green grass. Sunshine sparkles on the surface of a lake with a surface as smooth as mirror. My head is cushioned by the silky strands of grass and I stare up at the sky, too blue to be real. And I am perfectly at peace. Because nearby is my shepherd. He leans on his staff as a gentle breeze ruffles the leaves on the trees.
"...And the peace of God...will guard your hearts and minds..."
I cannot reconcile these two images in my mind. How can the peaceful shepherd in the valley protect me against the hordes on the other side of the mountains? Yet how can a soldier on the castle wall, battle-hardened and severe, bring me the peace of the sunlit valley?
"And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding..."
How quickly I forget that our God is not bound by my puny imaginings. Our God is fully just. Fully merciful. Fully Holy. He isn't broken into percentages - 20% mercy, 15% holiness, etc...He is 100% Just. 100% Merciful. 100% Holy.
...the peace of God...
Our God is multi-dimensional. Why wouldn't the peace that comes from Him be that way as well? Peace from the soldier AND peace from the shepherd. When my heart is weary and my soul yearns for rest, may I cry out to the God whose peace surpasses all understanding.
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus."
These are oft quoted verses. And for good reason. They serve as a reminder of God's sovereignty, that we should take our fears and worries and lay them before Him. They are a promise of peace.
But as I read these verses this week, I paused over verse 7 - "And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus." I realized that these words are contradictory to how I typically think about peace.
I've always considered peace to be a state of being. I've never thought of peace as an active, action word. Yet this verse clearly states that the peace of God will guard our hearts and minds. Immediately the image of a sentinel forms in my mind; a guard on a castle wall armed and alert, watching the enemy lines for signs of movement. Smoke rises all around, and the drums of war beat a threatening rhythm, shaking the stone wall. After all, we are at war - a spiritual battle that will continue until Christ returns. But this jars with my preconceived notion of peace. Peace is the opposite of war.
But then another image comes to mind - a mountain valley covered in a carpet of lush green grass. Sunshine sparkles on the surface of a lake with a surface as smooth as mirror. My head is cushioned by the silky strands of grass and I stare up at the sky, too blue to be real. And I am perfectly at peace. Because nearby is my shepherd. He leans on his staff as a gentle breeze ruffles the leaves on the trees.
"...And the peace of God...will guard your hearts and minds..."
I cannot reconcile these two images in my mind. How can the peaceful shepherd in the valley protect me against the hordes on the other side of the mountains? Yet how can a soldier on the castle wall, battle-hardened and severe, bring me the peace of the sunlit valley?
"And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding..."
How quickly I forget that our God is not bound by my puny imaginings. Our God is fully just. Fully merciful. Fully Holy. He isn't broken into percentages - 20% mercy, 15% holiness, etc...He is 100% Just. 100% Merciful. 100% Holy.
...the peace of God...
Our God is multi-dimensional. Why wouldn't the peace that comes from Him be that way as well? Peace from the soldier AND peace from the shepherd. When my heart is weary and my soul yearns for rest, may I cry out to the God whose peace surpasses all understanding.
Friday, February 21, 2014
February in Kansas
The cold wind whipped my dress around my knees. There weren’t
enough chairs in the tent for everyone. I hugged my sister closer, trying to
block the gusts and to remind her she wasn’t alone. I didn’t
have to see her face to know that tears were making tracks through her
foundation. My throat constricted as the tears that had threatened to spill
over all morning finally broke through and I closed my eyes in one final
protest. She squeezed my hand. The sniffs and sobs around me further confirmed
that we weren’t alone. Yet it’s
all too easy to feel incredibly alone in a crowd.
We stood in a grassy field. My heels were sinking into the
soft ground, as if trying to drag me down into the despair that grief can so
easily bring. The reality of the situation was no longer escapable. There was a
hole in the ground, black as my dress, and someone I loved dearly would be
placed in it. I opened my eyes and looked around. It was a beautiful day, for
February in Kansas. Standing on the hill you could see all around for miles.
Snowy white, cotton ball clouds sailed across a sea of blue. I hadn’t
seen blue sky for weeks. These sights, which usually filled my soul and lifted
my spirits, were wasted on my broken heart.
Pastor’s words were a drone in the
background. I can’t tell you what they were
exactly, but they were beautiful words, full of hope and life. I shut my eyes
and let the words fall, willing them to penetrate the dark corners of my aching
heart. I wanted to feel the rejoicing of an eternity begun. The joy of
long-awaited reunions. The relief of suffering ended.
Pastor was praying. I bowed my head, but my heart cried out.
And then, the sun burst through the clouds, just for a
minute. Like a Kansas sunflower I turned my face towards it, relishing the
momentary warmth that washed over me. As soon as it had come, it was gone. Pastor’s
prayer had ended. But I was changed. I knew there was rejoicing in eternity. I
knew there was overflowing joy and songs of praise. I knew that dancing had
replaced suffering.
And my soul would sing again.
Tuesday, February 4, 2014
How Are You?
How are you?
How many times a day are we asked this question? It's part of our social norm; you cross paths with someone and ask how they are. It's not a bad thing, but I think we've asked it so much that the question has lost its meaning. We ask and expect the typical answer, "I'm good! How are you?" How often do we ask this question when we actually mean it?
Lately, it has gotten very difficult for me to answer this question. I don't know how I am. But it breaks social protocol to actually be honest about how I'm doing. Most times, people ask because it's what we're supposed to do, not because they want to know. And while I don't want to be a debby-downer and drag everyone down with me, I would much rather be honest about how I'm feeling.
My heart is breaking. I am worn down. One minute I feel like a chicken running around with its head cut off, and the next I feel I can't take another step through the sludge of this messy life.
I am witnessing someone in my life go through pain that no one should have to bear. My mom, the woman who has been there for me and held me when I am in pain, is now the one hurting, and there's nothing I can do about it.
My Granny is living her final days on this earth. Her body has worn out. I so desperately want her to go home to be in the presence of our Heavenly Father and my Grandad, to not suffer anymore. But I am not ready to say goodbye.
This is not a "woe-is-me" post. This is me being honest about how I'm doing. I don't want to forget that there are people who are suffering much more than I am. I have so much to be thankful for.
My mom's white blood cell counts have finally shown up and are increasing. My sister and I got to visit her for a couple of hours this weekend.
My Granny loves the Lord, and I know I'll see her again. I know she's ready to see my Grandad again, to bask in the warmth of the presence of our God and sing and dance for him.
I have a family and support system that is strong and steady.
I have a Heavenly Father who is my strong fortress and my shelter. I can live each day knowing that when my heart is heavy, when I don't want to take another step, he is my source of strength.
My heart is breaking. I am worn down. One minute I feel like a chicken running around with its head cut off, and the next I feel I can't take another step through the sludge of this messy life.
I am witnessing someone in my life go through pain that no one should have to bear. My mom, the woman who has been there for me and held me when I am in pain, is now the one hurting, and there's nothing I can do about it.
My Granny is living her final days on this earth. Her body has worn out. I so desperately want her to go home to be in the presence of our Heavenly Father and my Grandad, to not suffer anymore. But I am not ready to say goodbye.
This is not a "woe-is-me" post. This is me being honest about how I'm doing. I don't want to forget that there are people who are suffering much more than I am. I have so much to be thankful for.
My mom's white blood cell counts have finally shown up and are increasing. My sister and I got to visit her for a couple of hours this weekend.
My Granny loves the Lord, and I know I'll see her again. I know she's ready to see my Grandad again, to bask in the warmth of the presence of our God and sing and dance for him.
I have a family and support system that is strong and steady.
I have a Heavenly Father who is my strong fortress and my shelter. I can live each day knowing that when my heart is heavy, when I don't want to take another step, he is my source of strength.
Wednesday, December 18, 2013
A Prayer for Courage
How do you face the terror of the unknown?
How do you plan for the life-altering experience you know is coming?
How do you deal with the knowledge that things will never be the same?
How do you keep your terror from overwhelming, overpowering you?
I know the verses about not worrying, I know we are commanded not to fear. I know these things in my head, but it's another matter entirely for that knowledge to penetrate the thick, sticky smog of fear and uncertainty.
I know my God does not, will not leave me. I know my family is not walking through this trial alone.
None the less, it feels very, very lonely.
My Bible can't wrap strong arms around me and hold me tight in the quiet hours of sleepless nights. It sits on my lap, and doesn't reply when I beg for answers to my questions. I know my God is near, but He feels very far away.
So I'll keep wandering, stumbling through the smog, praying for peace, praying for courage.
How do you plan for the life-altering experience you know is coming?
How do you deal with the knowledge that things will never be the same?
How do you keep your terror from overwhelming, overpowering you?
I know the verses about not worrying, I know we are commanded not to fear. I know these things in my head, but it's another matter entirely for that knowledge to penetrate the thick, sticky smog of fear and uncertainty.
I know my God does not, will not leave me. I know my family is not walking through this trial alone.
None the less, it feels very, very lonely.
My Bible can't wrap strong arms around me and hold me tight in the quiet hours of sleepless nights. It sits on my lap, and doesn't reply when I beg for answers to my questions. I know my God is near, but He feels very far away.
So I'll keep wandering, stumbling through the smog, praying for peace, praying for courage.
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